Specks of Seafoam
by dandy wonderous
Summary: A collection of random, unrelated drabbles. T blanket rating. I'm dumping in some stuff that's scattered around Livejournal in here, so pardon the spam.
1. Casual Conversation

Title: Casual Conversation

Rating: K

Characters: Sanji, Zoro

Pairings: None

Timeframe: Post-Arabasta, pre-Water 7

Notes: I decided to start my own collection of drabble fics too short to be their own stand alone oneshots. It's just little musings I have. This one came from the realization that Zoro and Sanji can actually be civil toward each other, like around the campfire on Upper Yard (before the first party).

Summary: Sanji and Zoro have a casual conversation. The crew is stunned.

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Casual Conversation

By Dandy Wonderous

Sanji was making omelets for breakfast.

That, in and of itself, was certainly not odd, but the crew would think later that something strange must have been in the air to cause what happened next.

Zoro entered the galley. This, too, was not strange, as it was breakfast time. The others were all already seated and digging in before Luffy decided to clean their plates as well.

"Omelets," he observed flatly, plopping into the seat next to Usopp.

"Yeah." Sanji put two large ones on a plate and placed it in front of the swordsman.

"Bacon and peppers?"

"Yeah. And I left out the onions. I know you don't like them."

"Thanks."

The rest of the crew, including Luffy, stopped eating to look back and forth between the two men.

_I don't get it,_ thought Nami in shock. _They're actually being… normal. That's weird!_

_Zoro said "thanks" to _Sanji, thought Usopp, a shiver running down his spine.

Zoro, oblivious to the stares of his nakama, looked around the table searching for something. "Sake, cook?"

"Ugh. With breakfast?"

"With _everything._"

"Fine. Have it your way." In truth, he had already anticipated the demand and had a bottle ready on the counter. He set it down on the table in front of the swordsman, then looked around at the others. "Something wrong?"

"Huh?" Nami snapped out of her shock, as did the others. "O-oh, no, Sanji-kun, everything's fine!" _I think._

"Okay, Nami-san!" he said cheerfully. "Let me know if there's anything else you desire."

Everyone turned slowly to Zoro (except for Sanji, who went over to the sink and began washing his frying pan), expecting some kind of comment about the "ero-cook." But none came; Zoro ate his omelets in silence. After awhile he glanced out the window on the door and up at the sky.

"Looks like it might rain," he said off-handedly.

"Really?" Sanji stopped mid-scrub and looked outside. "Huh. Yeah, I think you're right."

Nami couldn't believe it. Not only were they _not_ fighting, they were _talking about the weather_!!!

_The world is ending, _thought Usopp. _Any second now the sea is going to split open and swallow us all! _And with that apocalyptical notion, he fainted in his seat.

"What's with you guys this morning?" asked Zoro, poking Usopp's head. The sniper only leaned to the side and babbled something intelligible about judgment day. "Oh yeah, that reminds me." He looked straight at the cook. "Have you seen my bandanna? I woke up this morning and it was gone." He pointed to his bandanna-less arm as proof.

"Well, I'm sure it's somewhere." He picked up Zoro's now clean plate and placed it in the sink. "While this lot-and the beautiful Nami-swan and Robin-chwan-are finishing their breakfast, I'll help you look. I have to go get some laundry from our room, anyway."

"Whatever." The swordsman got up, stretched, and headed for their room. Sanji threw away the empty sake bottle and followed after him.

"Robin," said Luffy slowly after the door closed. "Are Zoro and Sanji sick?"

Robin covered a laugh with her hand. "I don't believe so, Captain-san."

"Nami," said Chopper, looking worried. "I'm scared."

Nami sighed, leaning back in her chair. "Me too, Chopper. Me too."

**The End**

* * *

A/N: Yes, it was completely pointless! But fun to write, anyway.

More drabbles to come soon here on SOS! This is Dandy Wonderous, who is also scared (sweatdrop), signing off.


	2. Jolly Good Fellow

Title: Jolly Good Fellow

Rating: T (for some cussing from Sanji and Zoro)

Characters: Luffy, Zoro

Pairings: None

Spoilers: None

Timeframe: Post-Arabasta, pre-Water 7

Notes: Just a little something for Luffy's birthday today. When I was thinking of this I randomly thought of the song "Seventeen Forever" (by Metro Station? Can't remember exactly) and how Luffy defies it by being, well, seventeen forever.

Summary: While his nakama plan his birthday party, Luffy decides he'd rather not have one.

* * *

**Jolly Good Fellow**

By Dandy Wonderous

"Oi, shitty swordsman! Hey! Wake UP!"

"Gah!" Zoro was rudely awakened by Sanji's foot slamming unceremoniously into his gut.

"You asshole! What did you do that for?" The swordsman leapt to his feet, spitting mad and ready for a fight.

"Because you're impossible to wake up any other way." The cook glanced over worriedly at his captain, who had managed to sleep soundly through their little shouting match, before turning back and lowering his voice. "Come on, Nami-san wants us all on deck. Now."

Zoro scowled and sat back down on the couch. "Like I care what that devil woman wants. What time is it, anyway?"

Sanji's foot flew at him again, but he blocked it with his arm (with some amount of stinging, though he didn't let the pain show). "Nami-san is not a devil woman! And it's almost six."

"In the _morning_?"

"That's when most people wake up, genius."

"Forget it. Come back at a decent time, and then _don't_ wake me up." He started to lay back down but a third attack by Sanji's foot stopped him. "Damn it! Stop that!"

"Nami-san has something important to say, so you're gonna hear it!"

Zoro sighed, knowing the cook wouldn't drop it and let him go back to sleep anytime soon. Might as well seen what she wanted.

"Shouldn't we wake Luffy?" he asked, stopping by the ladder to look back at the still-sleeping captain.

"No. Let him sleep."

Before Zoro could ask why, Sanji had disappeared through the hatch.

* * *

"It's Luffy's _what_!?!"

Nami rolled her eyes. "_Birthday_, Zoro," she repeated impatiently.

"Surely even _you_ can figure out what that means," Sanji muttered mockingly. Zoro ignored him.

"How did you even find that out?"

She shrugged. "I asked him once. He told me, but didn't get why I was interested."

"Why _is_ it important?" asked Chopper, looking confused.

"Because lots of people have parties on their birthdays," Usopp explained.

"Wow! Did you have a party on _your_ birthday, Usopp?"

"No," he pouted. "No one believed it was really my birthday."

"We can't believe you half the time as it is," Nami snapped. "What made you think we'd believe you on April Fool's day?" She shook her head. "Anyway, what we're focused on now is _Luffy's_ birthday."

"I'm baking a cake, Nami-san!" Sanji chimed in cheerfully. "Though considering who it's for, I'd be better off making it out of beef."

"Right, and while Sanji-kun's working on the cake and meal, Usopp, Chopper, Robin, and I will be working on decorations."

Chopper's eyes widened. "I get to help decorate?"

She smiled at him. "Of course."

Chopper and Usopp immediately lapsed into excited plans for decorations while Robin listened to their conversation in amusement. Sanji slipped into the galley.

Zoro watched the decoration committee for a few moments before turning back to Nami. "So, what did you want me for?" He hoped she would just tell him to go back to sleep.

But instead a devious smile spread across her face. "_You_ are going to keep our dear captain busy while we get the party ready."

He raised an eyebrow. "So I'm his babysitter for the day?"

"More like his entertainer." She moving menacingly close. "Let him into the kitchen and I up your interest to five hundred percent!"

"Okay, okay, I'll watch him."

She stepped back and smiled. "I knew you would. Thank you, Zoro!"

"Devil woman."

She laughed and waved, heading into the kitchen behind the other three.

* * *

"Wow! Sanji made all this bacon for me?"

Without waiting for an answer, Luffy quite literally inhaled what had to be at least four pounds of bacon while Zoro watched in disinterest. Glad he had snagged a few pieces before taking the breakfast to his captain, he held out the other plate. "The cook said to be sure you ate this, too."

Without hesitating Luffy gulped down the eggs and toast, then looked around expectantly. "Anything else?"

"There's only so much food on the ship," the swordsman chided, setting the empty plates aside and then flopping down on the couch. Luffy sat next to him and watched as he started to drift back to sleep.

Bored, the captain started to twiddle his thumbs. Then he started to pull his thumbs up and then let them snap back to place. Then he started twisting his arms into shapes similar to balloon animals. And then…

"Zooroo! I'm booored!"

Zoro opened one eye and glared at the whiner. "Well, too bad. We gotta stay down here in the cabin or that evil navigator will make sure I'm still in debt next millennia."

Luffy huffed and put on his best sulky puppy face, the kind that could generally get any member of the crew to give in. "But I don't wanna stay down here!"

Zoro's eyebrow twitched but he managed to resist. "Too bad," he repeated.

His ploys ineffective, the rubberman got up and wandered around the cabin, looking for something of interest. He found a pair of Usopp's socks and tried to see how long he could make them stretch. After a few minutes Luffy was back by Zoro, poking his head impatiently, a four foot long pair of tube socks laying in the floor.

"Zooroo!" he whined again. "Why do we have to stay down here?"

Zoro thought about it. Nami had only told him that he couldn't let the captain into the kitchen; she never said anything about keeping the party a secret.

"Because the rest of the crew is working on setting up a birthday party for you."

Luffy stared at him in confusion for a second, then laughed. "That's silly, Zoro. My birthday isn't until May fifth."

"It _is_ May fifth you idiot!"

Now Luffy looked genuinely surprised. "Really?"

"Tch. You're slow, Luffy. Really."

Luffy fell silent for awhile. Taking advantage of the quiet, Zoro started to fall asleep again.

"Yosh!"

Zoro snapped back awake, looking around wildly until his eyes settled on his captain, standing determinedly in the middle of the cabin. "I've decided," he announced.

"Huh?"

"I've decided," he repeated. "I don't want a birthday party!"

Zoro raised an eyebrow. "Eh? Why not?"

"Because the birthday of a person doesn't mean anything."

The swordsman thought about that. "It says you stayed alive another year," he suggested, applying general Zoro-logic.

"But just 'cuz you're one year older doesn't mean you did anything," Luffy pointed out. "It shouldn't be how old you are that matters; it's what you've done with your life up to that point."

Zoro studied him for a minute, then smirked. "The others are gonna be really upset, though," he said. "Chopper was really excited to be decorating. And Sanji's making a cake."

Luffy apparently hadn't thought about that. But then he thought of a solution. "Yosh. Then we'll have a crew birthday party!"

"What, like a party for everyone's birthday?"

The rubberman laughed. "No, a birthday party for our crew. To celebrate how we all came together as a family! That's _way_ better than a birthday party for me."

Zoro couldn't help but smile. "Whatever you want, Captain."

* * *

The kitchen was abuzz with activity. Usopp and Robin were finishing the last of the streamers while Nami and Chopper helped Sanji frost the cake. The cook knew he could do a better job by himself, but he couldn't turn either of them down when they eagerly asked to help.

He was just showing Nami how to make icing flower petals while Chopper finished the "Y" in "BIRTHDAY" when Zoro burst through the door.

Everyone turned to glare at him immediately.

"Forget something, shithead?" asked Sanji in annoyance. "Luffy's not supposed to come in yet!"

"Zoro," Nami began warningly.

"It's okay, guys," he said, smirking. "It turns out our captain doesn't want a birthday party after all."

Silence for a moment.

"What!?!" screamed Nami.

"But we worked so hard on the decorations!" Chopper wailed, teary-eyed.

"That jerk! How dare he not let us give him a party!" yelled Usopp.

"Might I ask why?" Robin ventured, the only level-headed party planner left.

Zoro's grin broadened slightly. "He said he wants a birthday party to celebrate our coming together as a crew."

Silence again.

Sanji was the first one to break out of the stupor. "Excuse me, Chopper," he said, taking the icing from the reindeer. Leaning over the cake, he finished the message on top. "You mean like this?"

The all looked at the cake, which now read, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY STRAW HAT PIRATES!"

"GOMU GOMU NO PARTY!" The sudden shout shattered the latest silence to fall. Then, after a moment, "Guys! Come out! Sanji, bring the cake and MEAT!"

Everyone filed out (Sanji balancing the cake and some beef dish he had made) and stared in astonishment at the deck.

Somehow, Luffy managed to string colored lights and streamers across the entire length of the _Going Merry._ He smiled up at them, spreading out his arms in greeting.

"Happy birthday!" he roared.

Everyone laughed, looking at each other for a second. They all had the same thought.

_That Luffy._

And then, together, they all yelled, "Happy birthday!"

And the party began.

**The End**

**Happy Birthday, Luffy!!!**

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A/N: Anyway, there it is! I missed both Sanji and Usopp's birthdays, so I figured I better get Luffy's for sure. Also, this probably ended up long enough to be its own oneshot, but I'm posting it with SOS stuff anyway.

**Reader Review Corner for ****Casual Conversation!**

Apparently I should have made the genre for the last drabble Horror because it scared a lot of you! Heehee…

Three-days-late: Thank you! It means a lot to me that you reviewed, since I read your stuff all the time.

NeoGene: Glad you enjoyed!

SeeNoEvil121: Yes, it came from an equally random thought I had… Glad you enjoyed it.

ChugLug: Your review warmed my heart! Thank you for making me feel special! Yes, I love their weird friendship too, it's so much fun to watch and write. And of course I'll keep writing, so long as I have wonderful readers who enjoy my simple stories!

Nia Sendo: I know, right? They very rarely have normal conversations, and it was really hard writing it. Yeah, their normal interactions are way funnier. Sorry it scared you; perhaps next I'll make Luffy solve advanced algorithms? Now _that_ is something the world isn't ready for!

Happy birthday Luffy! Happy Children's Day to all you Japanese types! Happy Cinco de Mayo to all you Mexican types!

This is Dandy Wonderous, wishing America had a holiday today, too (T_T), signing off!


	3. Singing in the Shower

Title: Singing in the Shower

Rating: T

Characters: Sanji, Zoro

Pairings: None

Spoilers: None

Timeframe: Post-Arabasta, pre-Water 7

Notes: Inspired by a burning question that I'm sure others have asked many times: does Zoro sing in the shower? Warning: Zoro torture of the curly-browed kind. Contains lyrics from "Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor and "Somebody to Love" by Queen, neither of which are owned by me. Also, I don't know if there's actually a shower or just a bath on the _Going Merry_… But we're ignoring that for now.

Summary: Sanji catches Zoro singing in the shower. Need I say more?

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Singing in the Shower

By Dandy Wonderous

Sanji climbed down into the storage room on the hunt for ginger. He was sure he had bought some at the last port, but when he hadn't found it in his spice cabinet he decided it must still be in the hold somewhere. He dug around in the boxes for awhile, cursing when one fell on his foot, until he emerged triumphant with his prize. He was about to head back up and finish his drinks for Nami and Robin when he heard a strange sound from behind the closed bathroom door.

It sounded almost like… singing.

Wondering who it was, Sanji got closer to the door and leaned his ear against it. It took a moment before he could pick out the notes from the noise of the water, but then he could hear it clearly.

His visible eye widened in disbelief and his jaw dropped open slightly. Then a slow, devilish grin covered his face.

Inside, Zoro, completely oblivious to his audience, was still singing loudly.

_It's the eye of the tiger, it's the thrill of the fight_

_Risin' up to the challenge of our rival_

_And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night_

_And he's watchin' us all with the eyeee!!!_

_Of the tiger_

Sanji couldn't believe his luck. He had just caught _Zoro singing in the shower!_ And not doing an award-winning job, either.

He looked up at the ceiling of the storage room and mouthed a "thank you" to the gods that be.

_Oh, I am gonna have fun with this!_

* * *

The crew was seated around the table, digging into the supper Sanji had just set before them. Luffy was trying to steal food, Robin was reading a book while eating, Sanji was washing the pans he had used, Nami was yelling at their captain, the usual.

Zoro wasn't suspecting a thing.

The cook shot him a look; he was eating his food quickly, to spare it from Luffy, but with disinterest, as usual. He didn't appreciate good cooking; he just wanted to get back to training… or sleeping.

Now was the time to pounce.

"Hey, Usopp," said Sanji suddenly. "You're a great sniper, you know."

The compliment was so unexpected that Usopp froze, spoon halfway to his mouth. "Huh?"

"You're a great sniper," he repeated. "I'd say you have the eye of the hawk. Or maybe the eye of the tiger."

Zoro almost choked on his bite of lobster.

"Well, uh… Yes, yes, I _would_ say that," said Usopp slowly, wondering vaguely why Sanji was praising him but enjoying it too much to care much. "That's how I came to be the great Captain Usopp, after all."

Zoro, lobster safely dislodged and on its way to his stomach, watched the cook closely. But Sanji ignored him completely, attention shifting between Usopp and the pan, back and forth. _Maybe it was just my imagination…_

"So, what's your favorite part of being a pirate?" Sanji continued the odd conversation. "I'd say it was the thrill of the fight."

Zoro almost choked a second time.

"Are you okay over there, shitty swordsman?" the cook asked. "Maybe you should slow down."

Zoro swallowed successfully. "I'm fine," he growled. _No, it's not my imagination._

There it was; Sanji's mouth twitched into a grin before he turned back to the pan. He was definitely messing with him.

"What's wrong, marimo? Don't wanna face up to the challenge of your rival?"

Zoro bit down so hard on the fork it left teeth marks. But there was nothing he could do; if he attacked the shitty-cook now, the others would know something was up. Right now, they were just confused by what seemed to be some secret code that only Sanji understood.

"But anyway, Usopp, when I go after an enemy, I feel like… Like the last known survivor, stalking his prey…"

"Here, Luffy, eat this." Zoro dumped the rest of his meal onto the ecstatic captain's plate and got up, then, with one hard look at the chef (an _I will kill you later_ kind of look), he stormed out of the galley.

"What was that about?" asked Nami, scooping up her last shrimp before Luffy could get it.

Sanji was beginning to lose his composure. "Don't worry, he just has the watch tonight… And I'm sure he's gonna watch with the… _eye of the tiger._" Sanji just barely managed to gasp the last part out before bursting into laughter so hard his eyes watered.

Luffy threw back his head and laughed with him.

Nami raised an eyebrow. "Do you really know what just happened?"

Luffy stopped, still grinning broadly. "Nope. No clue."

* * *

Zoro hid up in the crow's nest until the coast was clear, then ventured back down to the deck. He wasn't sure _what_ he was going to do to the ero-cook, but he _did_ know that it had to be good. _Really_ good.

He wandered down into the storage room, wondering if there might be something useful there. But before he had really started looking, he heard a strange sound from behind the closed bathroom door.

It almost sounded like… singing.

_No way… Am I really _this_ lucky?_ Zoro moved close to the door and leaned against it. Slowly, a smirk crossed his face.

Inside, Sanji, completely oblivious to his audience, was still singing loudly.

_Each mornin' I get up, I die a little_

_Can barely stand on my feet_

_Take a look at myself in the mirror_

_Say, Lord, what you doin' to me?_

_I spent all my years believin' you_

_But I just can't get no relief_

_Looord_

_Somebody_

_Somebody_

_Can't anybody find meee_

_Somebody to love?_

Zoro winced at the high note but still listened intently at the door. It was just too good, too perfect. In fact, the only thing that could make it better was…

He looked over at Usopp's workstation and… there it was.

The tone dial.

Zoro's grinned widened.

Oh, revenge is sweet.

**The End**

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A/N: Short and silly. Can I see Zoro singing "Eye of the Tiger"? He did do the Tarzan yell, so I'm gonna go with "Yes, I can."

**Reader Review Corner for ****Jolly Good Fellow****!**

Crysania Fay: Thank you! And yeah, he probably _would_ enjoy his birthday, but Oda's pretty much said he'll never have one, so I guess we'll never know. Phooey. Yes, it really was his birthday.

Blu-Calling: Thank you! Again, we'll never know how Luffy is really supposed to react to his birthday… But I'm glad you enjoyed this!

Three-days-late: Uh-huh, that's what I thought. He's so self-sacrificing! Huggles. Thank you!

Sentimentalreality: Yeah, I learned after writing this (from Three-days-late down there, actually) that Children's Day is also celebrated in Korea, as well as about other holidays around the world celebrated on May 5th. I apologize! You have to remember, I'm a culturally ignorant American. Heh heh. Thank you!

Oh, and one more piece of good news: I TOOK THE AP US HISTORY TEST TODAY AND NOW THE STRESS IS OVER!!! Okay, so I still have the AP English Lang and Comp test, but it's not NEAR as bad as the history one, especially since I have two chances to pass for college credit. I'm so happy right now!

Oh, but my boyfriend's brother was in a bad car wreck, but amazingly he is bruised but otherwise unharmed. His car looks like it was hit by a bomb, however. It rolled two or three times, all the glass blew out; he's lucky he wasn't squished like a bug. But he's home and okay, so it's all good.

Just realizing today that she shortens her boyfriend's dog's name to "Tash" (from "Tasha") and Tashigi's name to "Tash" (for ZoTash; Oh my fancy goulash, it's the same!!!), this is Dandy Wonderous, signing off.


	4. Raisins

Title: Raisins

Rating: K

Characters: Sanji, Luffy

Pairings: None

Spoilers: None

Timeframe: Anytime, really (I never specify a ship, so wherever you want them to be works)

Notes: Inspired by one comment from my chemistry teacher: "It's impossible to ruin cookies… unless you put raisins in them."

Summary: Luffy won't eat Sanji's cookies, and he's determined to learn why.

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Raisins

By Dandy Wonderous

Sanji pulled the tray out of the oven and sniffed the fresh cookies lovingly. They were, if he did say so himself, perfect. It was a new oatmeal raisin recipe he'd been wanting to try, and they had certainly turned out well.

He set them down to cool and turned back to the last batch. He was about to start arranging them on a large platter when he noticed an empty space on the sheet. A quick count confirmed it; there had been twenty-four cookies in the batch, but there were only twenty-three on the tray.

He glanced at the door and noticed that it was open, just enough that a rubber arm could slip in, grab a cookie, and pull out before Sanji, absorbed with his work, noticed.

The cook grumbled about his captain's impatience, but there was nothing he could do at this point. He'd just have to make sure everyone else (especially the girls) got some before he let Luffy have any more.

A few minutes later, all forty-seven cookies arranged on the platter, Sanji burst out of the kitchen and walked out on the deck. "Nami-swaaan! Robin-chwaaan! I have cookies of love for you! Oh, and the rest of you idiots can have some, too."

The rest of the crew swarmed the cook, all excitedly grabbing at the treats. He had to deliver several kicks before Robin and Nami arrived to claim their cookies first, then he let everyone have at it. They all enjoyed the cookies, praising Sanji for his cooking as usual (except Zoro, who complained about "the usual crap" but took three for himself anyway), but the cook found himself distracted from their compliments. One member of the crew was noticeably missing.

"Oi, where's Luffy?"

"Luffy?" Usopp looked around, half expecting a rubber arm to come from nowhere and grab his cookie. But the captain was nowhere in sight. "I don't know. Maybe he didn't hear you."

"Yeah, that must be it; he never turns down food…" About the time he said it, Luffy appeared, emerging from the men's cabin. "Oi, Luffy! Want a cookie?"

"They're really good!" added Chopper.

Luffy looked over at the plate, then shook his head. "No thanks." Then he wandered off to the front of the ship.

Everyone stopped eating to stare at his retreating back in surprise.

"Luffy just turned down cookies…" said Usopp slowly.

"Oh no!" cried Chopper. "He must be sick! Doctor! Oh yeah, that's me…"

Sanji just stared after him in confusion. _No thanks? NO THANKS!?!_

"Don't worry, Cook-san," said Robin comfortingly. "I'm sure he's just not hungry."

Everyone stared at her, eyebrows raised.

"Since when _isn't_ Luffy hungry?" Zoro pointed out.

Nami stamped on his foot. "_Not_ helping."

"Ow! Devil woman, it's the truth!"

"It must be because the cookies aren't made of meat," said Sanji, forcing a smile. "Anyway, everyone, eat up! Let Nami-san and Robin-chan in first!"

But while the rest of his nakama finished the cookies, he kept his eyes worriedly towards the front of the ship, hoping desperately that Luffy would suddenly return to pilfer everyone's treats.

* * *

Sanji was finding supper very hard to concentrate on.

Since the cookie incident earlier that afternoon, he couldn't focus on anything. For the last twenty minutes he had been staring at the wall, trying to figure out what went wrong.

_Maybe I screwed up the recipe somewhere…_ He looked back at the sheet, laying on the table in front of him, but when he went over the steps he knew he hadn't missed anything.

But then…

_What if I really _did_ miss something. _He went over everything he had done, step-by-step in his mind, but couldn't think of anything he had done wrong. _So maybe I didn't miss a step… But what if they just tasted like crap._ There hadn't been any cookies left for him to have one himself, so he had never eaten one to be sure. _But the rest of the guys devoured them, so they must have been fine… unless they just didn't want to hurt my feelings._ He thought back over their praise, trying to think if any of it had sounded insincere, forced. But it had all seemed truthful, even Zoro's in his backwards way.

Then a new thought struck him.

_What if there was nothing wrong with the cookies… just something wrong with _me_?_ What if the crew was in cook burn-out? Had his cooking become old hat? Were they so used to it that it wasn't special anymore?

"The same old crap," Zoro had said. _What if they _all _feel that way?_

Sanji didn't like where his thoughts were running away to, but there was no way to stop them now.

_What if we stop at an island where they find a new chef's cooking to love?_ He knew that Luffy would never kick him out of the Straw Hats; they were nakama, after all. But still, if he were to take on a new chef…

_No, no, Luffy would never do that. But if my cooking really _is_ boring…_

Would that make him the assistant head chef again? Or maybe they'd say he was the head chef that was just supposed to supervise the other chef's cooking. Either way, he would get replaced…

_This is crazy! That is _not _going to happen._ He stood up determinedly.

_I need to talk to Luffy._

* * *

Said rubbery captain was roughhousing with Chopper and Usopp like usual, running around the deck like hooligans and being themselves. Sanji caught Luffy's shoulder as he rushed past, waiting while his legs went on without him and then snapped back with his overstretched midriff.

"Sanji! What was that for?"

"I need to talk to you for a minute, that's what."

Luffy calmed. "Oh. About what?"

Now that he had his attention, Sanji wasn't sure exactly what to say. He mulled it over for a moment before finally coming out and saying, "It's about the cookies."

"Oh, those," said Luffy, seeming to lose interest. Sanji's spirits fell further.

"I know you stole one," the cook continued, anxiety rising.

"N-no, I didn't," the younger boy defended quickly.

"I'm not mad about that."

"Oh, well in that case, yeah, I did."

Sanji took a deep breath and then asked the burning question. "So what was wrong with them?"

Luffy seemed confused. "Huh?"

"What was wrong with them? You didn't want another, there must have been _something_ wrong!" Against his will, Sanji's voice had risen in volume.

Luffy gave him a second to calm back down before answering. "I didn't want another because you ruined them."

Sanji felt like he had been punched in the gut. Hard. "I… I did?"

"Yeah. You put those little wrinkly grape things… what are they called again?"

"You mean the raisins?"

"Yeah, those. You put raisins in them. That ruined the cookies."

Sanji gaped at him for a second. "Wait, so… you just don't like raisins?"

"Nope! Why would you put fruit in a cookie?"

Sanji felt relief wash through him. He should have realized that that was it; Luffy would never like something comparably healthy in his junk food.

"Oh, well, that's all I wanted to know," he said, grinning. "I won't make them again."

Luffy laughed, grinning back broadly. "Don't worry, Sanji; we won't fire you just 'cuz you made raisin cookies."

Sanji's eye widened; how did Luffy know?

The rubberman put a hand on his shoulder before running off after Usopp and Chopper. "Don't forget lots of meat tonight!"

Sanji watched him go, smile growing. _Come to think of it, I don't like raisins much, either._

And he walked back to the kitchen to make supper for his crew.

**The End**

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A/N: This ended up being a lot longer than I anticipated. Just me fooling around with an insecure Sanji.

**Reader Review Corner for ****Singing in the Shower****!**

Raymond st.: I'm glad you thought it was funny! I write to please. And yes, it is fun.

Three-days-late: Ah yes, the OP wiki. It's been my saving grace a lot, I was just too lazy to go check it. Glad you enjoyed!

Blu-Calling: Yes, it would be hilarious! And I don't really know; aliens sending signals to my brain, maybe?

Shuurajou Chan: Glad you enjoyed. And for your other reviews: Sorry, I guess it's just "draw your own conclusion." And yes, I tend to torture Usopp like that… Heehee.

Nia Sendo: Oh dear, don't hurt yourself! And I'm glad you enjoyed it so much.

**Speaking of the tone dial, it seems like, from your reviews, that a sequel would be appreciated. Yes? No? I think I'm gonna write one! Actually, I already have an idea. It's gonna be kind of like "World War III: The Musical" on board the **_**Going Merry**_**. Heeheehee.**

Wishing you all a Happy Mother's Day, this is Dandy Wonderous, signing off.


	5. Mother's Day

Title: Mother's Day

Rating: K

Characters: Nojiko, Bellemere

Pairings: None

Spoilers: None, unless you don't know Bellemere, well, died…

Timeframe: After Nami gets her bounty (since I'm not there yet I'm not sure _exactly_ when that is; four episodes to Water 7!)

Notes: Didn't think of this while I was writing "Raisin" earlier, but as the Mother's Day celebrations commenced around my house, I thought I should do something for it. At first it was going to be Nami-centric, but then I thought it would be cooler to do Nojiko since she gets ignored so much. Oh, and this is mostly unrelated, but while I'm writing this my 5-year-old cousin is trying to learn how to play cards and was wondering if there were "all blue" cards. So the question was like this: "Is there a all blue?" (translation: do you try to get all the blue cards?) Made me think of Sanji. Lawls.

Summary: Nojiko celebrates Mother's Day.

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* * *

**

Mother's Day

By Dandy Wonderous

The ridge was silent, backlit by the rising sun. A light breeze stirred the grass then stilled as though in anticipation of something.

A young woman, barely more than a girl, moved up the path to the lone grave, holding a bouquet of flowers and two mikan. She stepped lightly, making no noise. Silence continued to reign.

She stood before the small memorial cross and studied it. She seemed to be frozen in place; not a blue hair moved.

Then a smile crossed her lips.

"Good morning, Bellemere-san."

The greeting broke the silence; the breeze released its held breath and birds took up their songs.

"It's Mother's Day, you know," she continued steadily. "So I brought you flowers, and some mikan." As though it proof, she laid them down gently before the grave.

"I'm going over to Genzo's for lunch later. Chabo and his mother are coming over, too, from Gosa. I swear that kid, he gets more annoying every day." She laughed lightly.

"From what I can tell, Nami's doing well. I told you she has a bounty now, right?" She smirked at the thought. "She seems happy. I'm glad she finally found a place. Who knows; she's probably almost done with that world map of hers by now."

She pushed a strand of hair out of her face before continuing. "I guess my place is just to stay here and look after the mikan crop, eh, Bellemere-san? I suppose that's where I'll always be."

The woman looked out over the sea, watching the waves glitter in the dawn light. "There's nowhere else I want to be, actually."

Then she laughed. "Aw, here I'm being all reflective when it's a day of celebration. Oh, here." She pulled a cigarette out of her pocket, the kind Bellemere always smoked while she was growing up. "This is for you. I figured you wouldn't be satisfied with just the flowers."

She stood in silence for a few more minutes, listening to the wind and the waves and the birds. The sun finally broke free of the horizons hold and the woman relished the feel of its heat on her face.

"Happy Mother's Day, Bellemere-san."

Then Nojiko turned and walked back down the hill, a smile on her face.

**The End**

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A/N: Short, sweet, and to the point, no?

I'll do a short RR Corner, but since "Raisin" has only been up for a few hours there's not much. I'll probably have another with the next drabble.

**Reader Review Corner for ****Raisin****!**

Three-days-late: I like oatmeal but not oatmeal raisin. But I like raisins by themselves. Maybe there's something wrong with me. Glad you enjoyed.

Blu-Calling: I hope it lives up to your expectations. I'm currently trying to find all the songs I can think of that sound particularly Zoro-y and Sanji-ish. Glad you enjoyed this. As for ships, it's all het pairings (predictable, boring ones; XP): ZoTash, SanRob (though I think SaNa is easier to write) or Frobin (even though I'm not there yet, he's in a lot of the fics I read (obviously) so it just kind of came), LuNa or LuVi, UsoKaya, and AlvidaBuggy (heehee, had to throw that in there). I don't like ZoSan (because I don't like yaoi), but sometimes I read it anyway if it can be taken as friendship. Although, looking at "Claustrophobia," I bet some people think I _am_ a ZoSan shipper. But I'm not; I just like writing about them together… The only het pairing I can't stand is ZoNa. It's just _weird_; I could never see them together.

Okay, that was a really long reply. Meh.

Anyway, Happy Mother's Day! This is Dandy Wonderous (twice in one day? The world is ending!), signing off.


	6. Singing in the Shower pt 2

Title: Singing in the Shower Part II

Rating: T

Characters: Sanji, Zoro

Pairings: None

Spoilers: None

Timeframe: Post-Arabasta, pre-Water 7

Notes: Written because it looked like a sequel would be appreciated, and because I soon had a good idea. It's very silly and slightly ooc. It's also slightly AU because none of these songs exist in the_ One Piece_ universe. All songs and artists will be at the end. Oh, and there _is_ a shower on the _Going Merry_; Three-days-late told me so, and I'm watching them thaw Robin out with it right now.

Summary: Sequel to "Singing in the Shower"; Zoro and Sanji have an epic battle… Grand Line Idol style.

**

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**

Singing in the Shower Part II

OR

**World War III: The Musical**

By Dandy Wonderous

It was getting close to time to make dinner. Sanji had been taking a nap in the men's quarters (being up on watch and then making breakfast and lunch all without sleep really took it out of you), and now he swung down from his hammock and stretched, enjoying the peace and quiet.

Perhaps if his brain wasn't still so drowsy with sleep, that it was peaceful and quiet would have bothered him. As it was, he didn't think anything of it, and, suit jacket slung over one shoulder, he casually made his way up on deck.

Which was empty.

Once again, Sanji should probably have been alerted to a problem by this, and to his credit he did stop and look around for a second in confusion, wondering where everyone was. Then, with a nonchalant shrug of his shoulders, he headed for the galley door.

A noise came from the other side, and he paused again, hand on the handle. It sounded like… laughter. Laughter, and what kind of sounded like a dying animal. A dying animal that was trying to sing.

The corners of his mouth twitched up into a smirk as he was reminded of the marimo's singing. He bet the swordsman would be more cautious now, but maybe he would slip soon. Sanji could always use a good laugh.

The cook now desperately wanted to be in on the joke, so he opened the door and walked in.

The noise stopped abruptly.

Sanji looked around; the entire crew was there, seated around the table. Luffy, Usopp, and Chopper were trying in vain to conceal laughter. In fact, they all were, though Nami and Robin were succeeding, the raven haired beauty hiding in her book while the red head glanced quickly away, biting her lip. And Zoro… the shitty swordsman had an annoying, triumphant smirk on his face that infuriated Sanji to no end.

He realized now that _he_ was the butt of the joke, and he wanted to know why.

Robin was the first to break the silence (a relative term here, as the air was still filled with the younger crewmates' giggles). "Good afternoon, Cook-san."

Sanji immediately went into flirt mode, all hearts and twirls and "mellorines." "It's always a good afternoon wherever my lovely ladies are, Robin-chwan!"

"Did you have a pleasant nap?"

"With you to dream about, who wouldn't?"

"I'm glad you got a nap, Sanji-kun," said Nami, who had now regained her composure. "After all, you work hard." She paused and bit her lip again. "Everyday."

"Of course I work hard for you, Nami-san," Sanji cooed, but the foreboding feeling was growing. Why did those words seem so familiar?

"Yes," Usopp agreed, finally settling and looking as calm as could be (Chopper and Luffy continued as before). "He tries and he tries and he tries." A shrug. "But everybody wants to put him down."

Sanji's stomach fell to his feet. _Oh no, oh no, oh SHIT!_

"And you have water in your brain!" yelled Luffy, completely missing the careful subtleties of his nakama. "Just like in the song! Maybe you should have Chopper give you a check-up."

"Luffy!" yelled Nami and Usopp at once in admonishment. And then all of them, even Robin, started laughing freely, unable to contain it any longer.

Sanji stood there for a moment, shocked, and then he heard it. It was distorted by running water, the door, and the general scratchiness of the tone dial that Zoro now revealed tauntingly, but it was unmistakably him.

_I work hard_

_Everyday_

_I try, and I try, and I try_

_But eeeverybody wants to put me down_

_They say I'm goin' crazy_

"_YOU!!!_" Sanji launched a massive kick at Zoro's head. The swordsman raised his katana to block just in time, but the force that transferred through broke the chair he was sitting in and he ended up in the floor. He had to roll back and forth to avoid the string of powerful kicks, each in danger of breaking the _Going Merry_ in half.

"Careful with the-" Usopp didn't get any further in his warning; the demonic look Sanji shot him before assaulting Zoro again made him think better of it.

Zoro managed to roll far enough out of range to get back to his feet. Then, thinking that it would be easier to fend off the murderous cook out on the deck were there were less walls and things and people to get in the way, he slammed through the door. Swords raised and ready, he turned back to Sanji, who was following, teeth gritted so hard Zoro wondered how they didn't break and fall out of his head.

"Pay back's a bitch, eh, dartboard?"

"Shitty marimo! At least I kept my joke to myself!"

"That's just 'cuz you were afraid of what I would do to you if you didn't."

"Heh. You wish."

And then they were off in a flurry of swords and shoes. The rest of the crew crowded the galley door to watch.

"I think the girls really loved your song," Zoro gasped out between attacks. "When's your next concert?"

"They just think _that's_ funny because they haven't heard _you_ sing!"

"What?!? I sound way better than you!"

"Yeah right. Admit it, you're just jealous because, not only am I stronger and better looking than you, I can also sing."

"If you call _that_ good singing than Usopp should have a recording contract by now!"

From the doorway Usopp pouted. "Was that really necessary?"

CLANG! Sanji and Zoro were caught, both Zoro's swords holding Sanji's foot at bay. They were at a standstill, faces inches away and glaring.

"What do you say we settle this in a _different_ way?" Sanji proposed, not letting any of the pressure off.

Zoro likewise held his ground, but he nodded. "Sounds good to me, ero-cook. If you think you can handle it."

Simultaneously, they both backed off, tripping backwards away from each other as they regained their balance.

"Wait, what are they doing now?" asked Nami, looking back and forth between the two.

Sanji brought up his fist.

Zoro did the same.

"Rock…"

"Paper…"

"SCISSORS!"

Nami sighed while Robin hid a laugh behind her hand.

Zoro held up his fist triumphantly. "Rock beats scissors."

Sanji snorted in disdain. "Fine, then. You go first."

Suddenly Zoro looked… nervous. He had noticed his audience. "No, the loser has to go first."

Sanji seemed to get the same look. "No, _winner_ goes first."

"How about winner picks who goes first?" suggested Nami before the two started fighting again.

"Whatever you say, Nami-san!"

"Good. Then you first, ero-cook."

Sanji blinked in confusion, then realized what he had just agreed to.

Sometimes he really hated that girl-crazy part of himself.

"You can do it, Sanji-kun!"

Then again…

The cook fell silent, deep in thought. Zoro waited impatiently.

"What does he have to do?" asked Chopper in confusion.

"I'm not sure," Usopp answered. "But my guess is that this will be a true fight of honor between two men."

"Really? Wow!"

"Yes, I participated in many of them in my youth. I remember once when I was just five years old-"

"Ready yet, dartboard? Or do you just wanna quit now?"

"No way, shithead. Just let me think for a second… Okay, I think I got one." He cleared his throat and hummed for a second.

"Get on with it!"

"Shut up, damn it!"

"Sanji-kun, please just hurry up."

"Aye, Nami-swaaan!" He cleared his throat again and then, with a shaky breath, started to sing.

_Best thing about tonight is we're not fighting_

_And could it be that we have been this way before?_

_I know you don't think that I am trying_

_I know you're wearing thin down to the core_

_But hold your breath_

_Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you_

_Over again_

_Don't make me change my mind_

_Or I won't live to see another day_

_I swear it's true_

'_Cause a girl like you's impossible to find_

_You're impossible to find_

"_That's_ the contest?" fumed Nami. "You guys are gonna _sing_?"

Sanji twirled on his heel. "Did you like it, Nami-san? Robin-chan? It was dedicated to both of you!"

"That was cool, Sanji!" Luffy cheered.

"I don't care what you thought!"

Nami sighed, looking at Robin helplessly. "They're hopeless."

"Actually, Cook-san wasn't half bad, Navigator-san."

"Thank you, Robin-chwaaan!"

Zoro snorted. "Oh please, anyone can top that."

"Well, then." Sanji bowed and moved back. "The stage is yours, _Mr._ Roronoa."

"Tch. Fine." Zoro closed his eyes in concentration, then cleared his throat.

_It's been one week since you looked at me_

_Cocked your head to the side and said, "I'm angry"_

_Five days since you laughed at me_

_Saying, "Get that together, come back and see me"_

_Three days since the living room_

_I realized it's all my fault but couldn't tell you_

_Yesterday, you'd forgiven me_

_But it'll still be two days 'til I say I'm sorry_

_Hold it now and watch the hoodwink_

_As I make you stop, think_

_You'll think you're looking at Aquaman_

_I summon fist to the dish, though I like the Chalet Swiss_

_I like the sushi 'cause it's never touched a fryin' pan_

_Hot like wasabe when I bust rhymes_

_Big like Leann Rimes_

_Because I'm all about value_

_Bert Kaempfert's got the mad hits_

_You try to match wits_

_You try to hold me but I bust through_

_Gonna make a break and take a fake_

_I'd like a stinkin', achin' shake_

_I like vanilla, it's the finest of the flavors_

_Gotta see the show, 'cause then you'll know_

_The vertigo is gonna grow_

'_Cause it's so dangerous you'll have to sign a waiver_

_How can I help it if I think you're funny when you're mad_

_Tryin' hard not to smile, though I feel bad_

_I'm the kind of guy who laughs at a funeral_

_Don't understand what I mean?_

_You soon will_

_I have a tendency to wear my mind on my sleeve_

_I have a history of taking off my shirt_

_It's been one week since you looked at me_

_Threw your arms in the air and said, "You're crazy!"_

_Five days since you tackled me_

_I've still got the rug burns on both my knees_

_It's been three days since the living room_

_You realized it's not my fault, not a moment too soon_

_Yesterday, you'd forgiven me_

_Now I sit back and wait 'til you say you're sorry_

"Yeah Zoro!" cheered Luffy, pumping his fists in the air.

"Swordsman-san was not bad, either."

"I'm actually kind of surprised," said Nami, moving past the idiocy of it all and starting to have fun with the others.

"What kind of shit was that?" asked Sanji, doing his best to sound unimpressed. _Shit, they liked his better. _"You've never even had sushi!"

"You're just mad that I'm obviously better."

"Sanji, you should sing something upbeat, too!" suggested Chopper.

The cook thought about it. "Alright… Um…"

_Check yes, Juliet_

_Are you with me?_

_Rain is pouring down on the sidewalk_

_I won't go until you come outside_

_Check yes, Juliet_

_Kill the limbo_

_Or I'll keep throwing rocks at your window_

_There's no turning back for us tonight_

_Lace up your shoes_

_A O, A O_

_Here's how we do_

_Run baby, run_

_Don't ever look back_

_They'll tear us apart if we give them the chance_

_Don't sell your heart_

_Don't say we're not meant to be_

_Run baby run_

_Forever will be_

_You and me_

"Hmm. That was a good song choice for Sanji," Usopp observed.

"I agree; that one showed off Cook-san's talents very well."

"Thank you, Robin-chan!"

"It's just the same old stuff," Zoro complained. "Don't you know anything besides love songs?"

Sanji glared at him. "Is there anything else worth singing?"

"You just don't know good music, dartboard eyebrow."

"Oh really? Enlighten me."

Zoro thought for a second and then, without further words, started his next song.

_I am an arms dealer_

_Fitting you with weapons in the form of words_

_And I don't really care which side wins_

_As long as the room keeps singin'_

_That's just the business I'm in_

_This ain't a scene, it's damn arms race_

_This ain't a scene, it's a damn arms race_

_This ain't a scene, it's a damn arms race_

_I'm not a shoulder to cry on, but I digress_

_I'm a leading man_

_And the lies I weave are oh so intricate_

_Oh so intricate_

_I'm a leading man_

_And the lies I weave are oh so intricate _

_Oh so intrica-a-ate_

"Well, that was… interesting," said Nami slowly.

"Pitchy perhaps, but overall a good song for Swordsman-san, don't you agree, Long Nose-kun?"

"Yes, Robin. I think that was better than the last. I'd give it a… six."

"I was thinking a five, myself."

"Who made you two the judges!?!" yelled Zoro.

"Shitty marimo! Don't yell at Robin-chan!" Sanji glared at him, before turning to said "judge," hearts in his eye. "What did I get on the last one, Robin-chan?"

"A four, wasn't it? Ah, yes." She held up a piece of paper the others realized for the first time that she had.

"Robin," said Nami slowly, disbelieving. "Have you and Usopp been judging this _whole_ time?"

"We thought someone had to, Navigator-san."

Sure enough, the paper was divided into rows for each of the two's performances, with three columns running down it, all in Robin's neat script. The three columns read, "Robin, Usopp, Chopper," and underneath were the scores.

"Chopper, you're a judge, too!?!" said Luffy in surprise.

"Um, well, Robin said we should have three, so…"

So far, Sanji had two 3's, a 4, and a 5. Zoro had a 2, a 3, a 5, and a 6.

Nami also noticed that Chopper had given them both all 10's. _The "feel good" judge._

"WHAT!?! The marimo's winning by one point!?!"

"Just admit defeat now, ero-cook."

"No way, shithead!"

"Robin! Usopp! I wanna sing, too!" And without waiting for an answer, Luffy burst into song.

_We are pirates_

_On a big ship on the sea_

_With a mossy swordsman_

_And a cook_

_And a liar_

_And a navigator_

_And a transforming reindeer_

_And a smart girl_

_And lots and lots of…_

_MEEEAAAT!!!_

_And this song reminds me_

_That I'm hungry_

_So Sanji should make me lots of_

_MEEEAAAT!!!_

Luffy bowed while Chopper and Usopp cheered and Robin clapped politely.

"That was awesome, Luffy!"

"It was so (sniff) beautiful!"

"Very nice, Captain-san."

"Thank you, thank you!"

"Robin, why do you encourage them?" Nami whined to herself.

Sanji and Zoro exchanged a "he's at it again" look before remembering that they were competing. "Your turn, shit-cook."

"Okay, okay, I'm thinking of one…" _Let's see… They want something that _isn't_ a love song? Well, um… How about this?_

_Sit tight, I'm gonna need you to keep time, come on_

_Just snap, snap, snap your fingers for me_

_Good, good, now we're making some progress, come on_

_Just tap, tap, tap your toes to the beat_

_And I believe_

_This may call for a proper introduction and well_

_Don't you see_

_I'm the narrator and this is just the prologue_

_Swear to shake it up if you swear to listen_

_Oh we're still so young_

_Desperate for attention_

_I aim to be_

_Your eyes_

_Trophy boys _

_Trophy wives_

_I think that went well; at least they danced some._

"Well done, Sanji. I give you a seven."

"I give it a five."

"Ten! Ten!"

"Hah! Take that, marimo!"

"Stupid cook…" _Good thing I have a secret weapon._

_Highway run_

_Under the midnight sun_

_Wheels go round and round_

_My mind_

_Restless hearts_

_Sleep alone tonight_

_Sendin' all my love_

_Don't know why_

_They say that the road ain't no place to start a family_

_Right down the line's been you and me_

_And lovin' a music man ain't always what it's s'posed to be_

_Oh, girl_

_Will ya stand by me_

_I'm forever yours_

_Faithfully_

"Oh wow," murmured Nami. She didn't know Zoro was capable of singing a song like that.

"That was… lovely, swordsman-san."

_Shit! The ladies loved it!_ "I thought you said you didn't like love songs, bastard."

"No, I just said you should sing something else for once."

"Seven!" announced Usopp.

"Seven," agreed Robin.

"Ten!"

"Uh-oh, Sanji! Zoro's beating you by six points," warned Luffy.

Sanji paused to do the math in his head. "You idiot, it's only three points."

"Three points are all I need, dartboard."

"Shut it, shitty moss-head!" Suddenly, a new song occurred to him, and a slow smile spread across his face. "No way you'll top this next performance." Then he took a deep breath.

_Well, you done done me and you bet I felt it_

_I tried to be chill, but you're so hot that I melted_

_I fell right through the cracks_

_Now I'm tryin' to get back_

_Before the cool done run out I'll be givin' it my bestest_

_And nothin's gonna stop me save divine intervention_

_I reckon it's again my turn_

_To win some or learn some_

_But I won't hesitate_

_No more_

_No more_

_It cannot wait_

_I'm yours_

"Sanji-kun!" Nami cooed. "That was wonderful!"

"Thank you, Nami-swaaan!"

"I agree; that was quite good, Cook-san. I give it an eight."

"Thank you, Robin-chwaaan!" _Yes! They're definitely falling for me now!_

"I give it a nine."

"Ten!"

"Yes! Top that, shithead."

Zoro growled. _This may be harder than I thought… Hmm…_

_You spin my head right round, right round_

_When you go down, when you go down, down_

_You spin my head right round, right round_

_When you go down, when you go down, down_

_Hey, walk out that house with my swagger_

_Hop in there with dough, I got places to go_

_People to see, time is precious_

_I looked at my cotty, are you out of control?_

_Just like my mind where I'm goin'_

_No women, no shawties, no nothin' but clothes_

_No stoppin' now, my Porellis on roll_

_I like my jewelry that's always on whoa_

_I know the storm is comin' _

_My pockets keep tellin' me it's gonna shower_

_Call up my homies, it's on_

_Then pop in the next, 'cause this mix'll be ours_

_We keep a fade-away shot_

'_Cause we ballin' it's Platinum Patron that be ours_

_Lil mama, I owe you just like the flowers_

_Girl you the drink with all that goodie powers_

_You spin my head right round, right round_

_When you go down, when you go down, down_

_You spin my head right round, right round_

_When you go down, when you go down, down_

"Is it even fair for you to sing something that long?"

"Hey, you never said anything about length!"

"Seven," declared Usopp.

"Seven," Robin agreed.

"Ten!"

"Oi, Chopper, aren't you ever going to give anything else?" Luffy asked in confusion.

"Alright!" Nami announced, looking at the sheet. "With that performance, both Zoro and Sanji are tied! This round will decide the winner!"

"Okay, Cook-san. You're first."

Sanji took a deep breath to steady himself. It all hinged on this.

_Wise men say_

"_Only fools rush in"_

_But I can't help_

_Falling in love_

_With you_

_Shall I stay? _

_Would it be a sin?_

_If I can't help_

_Falling in love_

_With you_

_Like a river flows_

_Surely to the sea_

_Darlin', so it goes_

_Some things are meant to be_

_Take my hand_

_Take my whole life, too_

_For I can't help_

_Falling in love_

_With you_

He turned expectantly to Robin, hoping she would give him some encouraging words (or maybe something better). But while Nami and Luffy clapped and cheered, she and the other two "judges" stayed tight-lipped. They whispered their scores to Robin who wrote them down and then looked at Zoro.

"Swordsman-san?"

He smirked at the disheartened love-cook before clearing his throat one last time and beginning.

_It's a long trip alone_

_Over sand and stone_

_That lie along the road_

_That we all must travel down_

_So maybe you could walk with me awhile_

_And maybe I could rest beneath your smile_

_Everybody stumbles sometimes and needs a hand to hold_

_And it's a long trip alone_

_And I don't know where I'd be without you here_

'_Cause I'm not really me without you there_

_Ye-ah-ah-ah_

_Ye-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah_

_Oooh_

_So maybe you could walk with me awhile _

_And maybe I could rest beneath your smile_

_Everybody stumbles sometimes and needs a hand to hold_

_And it's a long trip alone_

Again, claps and cheers from Nami and Luffy while the three judges refused to speak to the contestant. They moved together into a circle, whispering and calculating.

Sanji and Zoro awaited their fate, shooting angry glares at each other and nervous ones at the three conspirators. Nami watched them, ready to intervene if they started attacking each other again.

Finally, the group broke apart. "We have the final scores," Robin announced matter-of-factly.

Then she flipped the paper around so everyone could see.

For the last round, both Sanji and Zoro had gotten straight 10's.

"A _tie_!?!" they yelled together.

"But… But then who wins?" said Sanji in confusion.

"Idiot. We'll just have to have another round to find out."

"Actually, we already have a winner," Robin interjected.

Four pairs of confused eyes turned on her.

"But, Robin, if it's a tie…" Nami began slowly.

"I _did_ say that Cook-san and Swordsman-san were tied," the raven haired woman explained. "But I didn't say they were tied for _first_."

"But Robin-chan," said Sanji, careful not to offend her. "If only myself and the shitty marimo were competing, than-"

"Ah, that's where you're wrong, Sanji!" Usopp interrupted. "There was one _other_ contestant!"

"The winner is LUFFY!" Chopper announced, unable to contain himself any longer.

"Huh!?! Me!?!"

"Congratulations, Captain-san."

"Yay Luffy!"

"Now hold on a second!" yelled Zoro from the deck, standing next to a gaping Sanji. "He only sang _one_ song!"

"Yeah," agreed the cook, snapping out of his trance. "There's no way he could have gotten more points than us!"

"Of course he could. Take a look at the score sheet, Cook-san, Swordsman-san."

She tossed the pad down to them, and they flipped past their scores to Luffy's.

Their jaws dropped to the deck.

There, for every judge, was a score of 100.

"B-b-but, Robin-chan," began Sanji, heartbroken. "I thought the scale was out of ten!"

"I don't believe we ever established that, Cook-san."

"Come on, Luffy! Sing us another song!"

"Yosh! Let's go! _The islands…_"

Sanji and Zoro watched, flabbergasted, as their crew marched off to the front of the ship, Luffy singing his ridiculous song at the top of his lungs. Nami paused to shrug her shoulders helplessly before following after.

After a very long moment of shocked silence, Zoro turned very slowly to his fellow second placer.

"Sake, cook."

Sanji sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. "You know, I think this time I'll join you."

* * *

"_I've got friends in low places, where the whiskey drowns and the beer chases my blues away… But I'll be okay…_ Take it away, Zoro!"

"_I'm not big on social graces, think I'll slip on down to the-_"

Sanji joined him and the two currently drunk nakama finished the song together. "_Oasis! Oh, I've got friends in low places!_"

The two were sitting in the kitchen floor, one arm around each others shoulders while the other hand held a tankard of sake. Sanji had stayed sober long enough to make dinner for the others, and since then the two had been like this, soused and singing loud enough to wake the dead or even Ace after a meal he didn't plan on paying for.

Nami burst through the door, scowling. "It's getting late, you two; shut the hell up!"

Sanji looked up at her through glassy eyes. He gave her a cheeky, insolent grin, one he had never given a lady before. "You know, Nami-saaan," he slurred. "You can just… _Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol…_"

"_Alcohol_," Zoro interjected, obviously thinking of a different song.

"_Na na na na,_" Sanji picked up.

Nami rolled her eyes, turning on her heel and storming off. "You guys are hopeless."

Sanji snickered. "She's mad at us, marimo."

He laughed loudly and started singing again in response. "_Bartender, I really did it this time, broke my parole to have a good time…_"

"_When I got home it was six a.m. The door was locked, so I kicked it in…_"

"Kick in the door? You'd just kick through the damn wall!"

"Damn right I would!" He laughed hysterically. "Oi, oi, shithead, guess what!"

"Heh, what?"

"_We're pirates in a big ship on the sea, with a shitty swordsman…_"

"_And an ero-cook…_"

They looked at each other blankly before continuing together. "_And… something, something, something… MEEEAAAT!_"

From her room where she could hear them clearly, Nami, head buried under a pillow, decided on a new rule:

No singing in the shower.

**The End**

* * *

Songs in Order of Appearance:

"Somebody to Love" by Queen

"Fall for You" by Secondhand Serenade

"One Week" by The Barenaked Ladies

"Check Yes Juliet" by We The Kings

"This Ain't a Scene, It's an Arms Race" by Fallout Boy

"Luffy's Song" by Dandy Wonderous (play "invent-a-tune")

"The Only Difference Between Martyrdom and Suicide is Press Coverage" by Panic! At the Disco

"Faithfully" by Journey

"I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz

"Right Round" by Flo Rider

"I Can't Help Falling in Love With You" by Elvis Presley

"Long Trip Alone" by Dierks Bentley

"Luffy's Island Song" from one of the Upper Yard episodes

"Friends in Low Places" by Garth Brooks

"Blame It" by Jamie Foxx

"Alcohol" by Brad Paisley

"Bartender Song" by Rehab

"Luffy's Song (Sanji and Zoro Version)" by Dandy Wonderous

I do not own any songs!!!

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A/N: Not only is this fic longer than a normal drabble (the others have all been around 1,000 words or less), it actually has real author notes! Oh my French gibbon…

On the good side for those of you bothering to read this part, and on the down side for me, the author, there were no reviews for the Mother's Day drabble, meaning no reader review corner. Aw well.

_A dying animal that was trying to sing._

Okay, I want to take this moment to point out that this is NOT in any way a knock on Hiroaki Hirata (Sanji) or Kazuya Nakai's (Zoro) singing. They are both very good! (Especially Hiroaki Hirata; "Dessert wa Kimi" and "Moulin Rouge"=swooning Dandy)

_He had to roll back and forth to avoid the string of powerful kicks, each in danger of breaking the Going Merry in half._

I'm in Water 7 right now; perhaps this is how _Merry's_ keel got broken?

"_If you call that good singing than Usopp should have a recording contract by now!"_

Aw, I'm so mean to him, huh? Heh heh… I'm sorry, Usopp fangirls of the world.

"_Rock…"_

Yes, they are playing rock, paper, scissors rather than Janken. Meh… Speaking of rock, paper, scissors, two of my cousins, brothers who are huge football players who have broken at least two tables playing spoons, settle _everything_ with it rather than just fighting or wrestling. It's pretty funny, actually, considering they _look_ like the kind of guys who would just pound their point of view into the other. They're both very nice and smart, by the way.

"_The stage is yours, Mr. Roronoa."_

Originally, Zoro made a crack here about Sanji not having a family name. But I decided that was just too harsh.

"_You've never even had sushi!"_

This is a joke from Oda's SBS in the manga. Something about Zoro's attack names and him never having eaten sushi. I don't really get it, not being Japanese or a sushi fanatic…

_Nami also noticed that Chopper had given them both all 10's. The "feel good" judge._

Because he wouldn't want anyone mad at him.

_Highway run_

This is my absolute favorite song _EVER_! So why did I have Zoro sing it instead of Sanji? I actually thought it would sound better coming from Zoro, I guess… Hmm…

_You spin my head right round, right round_

The only song I can really, truly see Zoro singing. Every time I hear it I see him and Tashigi in my head; the lyrics fit them, in a way (the chorus, not the pole dancing part).

"_Is it even fair for you to sing something that long?"_

Actually, almost all Zoro's songs were longer; it just worked out that way, they wouldn't have a good stopping point until later in the song.

"_The winner is LUFFY!" _

Luffy winning accomplished two things: I didn't have to pick a winner, and I didn't have to end on a lame tie.

_There, for every judge, was a score of 100._

Any way you look at it, getting a score of 10 out of 100 is a burn.

_The islands…_

This was the song sung by Luffy before he fights Wiper (Wyler, or whatever you feel like calling him) on Upper Yard. It's hilarious!

I wrote the ending scene for two reasons. One, I wanted to add all these drinking songs. Two, I wanted to write a drunk Sanji. Considering Zoro's alcohol tolerance, Sanji is probably the only one who's actually drunk, though.

Two songs I wanted to fit in here but couldn't were "Butterfly" by Jason Mraz and "Sober" by Pink. "Butterfly" has not been released for the radio, and I don't believe it's intended to be released, so I didn't include it. However, I think this is a perfect song for Sanji (I can totally see him singing it and dancing around the kitchen to the scatting part in his sexy pink apron). If you've ever heard the song or have the CD, listen to it again thinking of Sanji; it's great!

I wanted to randomly have Robin sing "Sober" because I think the song really fits her. She ended up being a judge and therefore couldn't, but I still think it's good for her. I think it would be great to make an amv for her to this song (and during that one quiet part towards the end where the music just kind of stops and then swells back into the chorus, stop the song completely and put in the "I don't want to die" thing; it would be EPIC, I'm tellin' you!), but I have neither the patience or time to download that much stuff. But if someone _else_ wanted to make said amv, you would be my hero for life. Care to show a humble fic writer some love?

I suppose that's all I have to say.

Thinking that even Simon would've liked this (heehee), this is Dandy Wonderous, signing off.


	7. Splinters

Title: Splinters

Rating: K+ (for blood; ow-okay, so it's not that big a deal, really)

Characters: Sanji, Nami, Chopper's around, too

Pairings: SaNa-ish (if you want, it can still be seen as nakamaship)

Spoilers: Some specifics from up through Skypeia.

Timeframe: Post-Skypeia, pre-Water 7

Notes: Besides "Gives You Hell," I've been in a SaNa mood lately. Meh. This is just your general "Sanji's hurt and Nami's nice" kind of thing.

Summary: Sometimes a hand to hold is better than any anesthetic.

**

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**

Splinters

By Dandy Wonderous

Ever since she had met him, Sanji had been there to protect Nami.

Even before she really knew him, back at Arlong Park, he had been willing to fight the mermen for _her_ sake. And he had almost been crushed to death by water pressure, his lungs coming frighteningly close to bursting beyond repair.

Then later, on Drum Island… She may have been unconscious at the time, but she knew later that Sanji had quite literally broken his back to save her and Luffy. And while she had acted like it hadn't bothered her, she had seen his agonized face when Dr. Kureha fixed him up the second time. She knew it had been awful, painful.

And then on the Sky Island… She could barely bring herself to think about that. About she had seen him electrocuted to a burnt crisp of a man not once but _twice_… About how she had been so sure he was dead the first time, about how the second time he was trying to save her and Usopp without giving even one thought to what would happen to himself. But that was what Sanji did, resolving to give up his own life for others, like he owed everyone in the world this sacrifice for whatever reason.

Now as she stared at him, biting her lip, while he lay on the couch shirtless and bleeding, she knew he had done it once again. True, this new injury was not nearly as bad as some of those others had been, but still…

The bits of broken rail were lodged as horribly large splinters in both his arm and his side. Chopper was examining them worriedly.

"We have to get these out, of course," he muttered, more to himself than for Sanji's benefit.

The storm's gale had broken the _Going Merry's_ railing and it had coming spinning out of control in her direction. He had thrown himself around her, shielding her from the flying wood, and it had ripped into him. She still had his blood on her shirt.

He grinned, wincing slightly but keeping a brave face. "Just grab a big pair of tweezers."

Chopper dug through his supplies for a moment before gasping in surprise. "Oh no! I'm out of anesthetics!"

Nami snapped out of her semi-trance. "What!?! Don't you have any kind of painkillers?"

"It's fine, Nami-san," said Sanji quickly before Chopper got anymore upset. "It's almost time for supper, anyway; I don't need to be groggy while I'm cooking."

"But Sanji-kun," Nami began, but knew it was pointless. No amount of arguing would change the fact that there was nothing to dull the pain, whether he wanted it or not.

"I won't feel any pain with your lovely face watching over me," he told her in typical Sanji fashion. Then his eye clouded slightly. "Unless… You'd rather leave for this part?"

Nami walked over and took his hand, the one on the uninjured arm. "No, I won't leave."

"You don't have to-"

"But I am."

He melted on the couch. "Nami-swan is so beautiful and kind!"

She rolled her eyes. "Don't read too much into it." But it was too late for that; Sanji had collapsed into a "Mellorine" spasm and nothing was going to bring him out of it.

Except…

Chopper freed the first large splinter of wood from his arm and the word trailed off in a slow death on his lips.

The grip on her hand tightened slightly, but not by much. He didn't want to hurt her. She almost laughed at the irony.

Now Chopper was pulling out smaller splinters, and the grip tightened a little more. But it wasn't bad yet, and he was still keeping a nonchalant face that seemed more interested in the fact that she was touching him (and not just to hit him) than in the fact that the reindeer was digging bits of wood out of his arm.

"This one's going to hurt," Chopper warned. It was too deep, and he had to break the skin to get at it.

Air hissed through the cook's clenched teeth and he squeezed on Nami's hand. But as with normal sized splinters, the pain was sharp, shooting, and _short_, and all there was now was the dull ache from the wounds on his arm.

Chopper got out the smaller bits which were relatively painless and the grip loosened considerably. Once all the wood was gone from his arm Chopper cleaned it and wrapped it, while all the while Sanji stared at Nami's arm, as though afraid that looking at her face would make her leave but looking at their hands would make it dissipate like a hazy dream.

Nami chewed on her lip a little while she watched. She would be squirming like crazy right about now, but Sanji was staying very relaxed, keeping his cool.

And his side… There was less wood there, but one piece had speared him, sticking grotesquely out of his flesh. Chopper had said there was no serious internal damage, but she could see that he was lucky the wood hadn't pierced something vital.

"Nami-san?"

She looked down at him. "What?"

"If you don't want to do this anymore, you can leave."

She sighed. "I already told you, Sanji-kun, I'm staying."

Sanji's eye stayed fixed on her arm. "Are you sure?"

She squeezed his hand a little. "If I wasn't, would I still be here arguing with you?"

He laughed a little. "I guess not." Then he grinned broadly. "Nami-san is too kind to-AAH!" He gasped in pain as Chopper took the distraction to pull the wood from the cook's torso. He gripped her hand so tight both their knuckles turned white. She bit her lip and forced a squeak of discomfort back down her throat.

"Hang in there, Sanji! We're almost done!" The doctor tried to smile in reassurance, but he was too worried to pull it off.

Sanji's eye bored a hole into Nami's arm, nodding and waiting for him to finish. The little splinters left over were nowhere near as painful, and he relaxed his grip on Nami's hand so he wouldn't hurt her anymore.

A few minutes later Chopper smiled and put his instruments down. "There, it's all out." He and Nami helped Sanji into a sitting position so he could wash and dress the wound.

When that was finished, Sanji dropped Nami's hand (with much reluctance) and swung his legs over the side of the couch. "Okay, I better get dinner ready. Thank you, doctor."

"Moron! You thanking me and calling me doctor definitely doesn't make me happy at all!"

The young reindeer then had the tact to leave, going outside the cabin to look for Luffy. Once they were alone, Sanji finally looked up at Nami's face.

"Thank you, Nami-san."

"Well, I owed you that much."

He stared at her. "What? You don't owe me anything, Nami-san."

Again the memories assaulted her: all the times he had been hurt for her sake.

"Idiot," she admonished. Then she gave him a short hug.

"Nami-san is… hugging me? Mellorine!"

She sighed, pulling away again. "Go get supper ready, Sanji-kun."

"Yes, Nami-san! Right away!" And then he hurried away, favoring his injured side but still going on as though nothing had happened.

The navigator watched him go in silence. As someone who loved money more than almost anything else, she hated owing people. But here she was, with a debt to a man that had just gone up thanks to a couple splinters. And it was one she doubted she could ever repay.

**The End**

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A/N: Woo! But I'm not signing off yet; there's more to this SaNa meal!

**Reader Review Corner for ****Singing in the Shower part II****!**

Krentenbol: I know, I love it when they fight, too! XD Thank you so much!

Kyrstaleyes: I think Sanji would be equally disappointed by not getting to pound Zoro's face in, but… Oh, and I can top that; try playing "forks"; OW! Luckily, I was not dumb enough to participate in that. Oh, and don't tell my friends about the marker thing, or they'll try it… and mark on people on purpose. Thank you!

Three-days-late: Thanks for reading that, btw. Yes, I love Panic! too (actually listening to it right now). And yeah, if he had broken those out Zoro would have gone DOWN!!! Hahaha!

Jfox99: Thank you! And I'm glad you liked Zoro's song choices. I don't listen to them much, but "One Week" is one of my favorite songs.

Glad you guys like this so much! Woot!


	8. You Shouldn't Kiss Me Like This

Title: You Shouldn't Kiss Me Like This

Rating: K

Characters: Sanji, Nami

Pairings: SaNa

Spoilers: None

Timeframe: Anytime

Notes: This song came on the radio and I just thought of this. "You Shouldn't Kiss Me Like This" is by Toby Keith.

Summary: It was all supposed to be an act. But when Nami kisses him like this…

**_

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_**

You Shouldn't Kiss Me Like This

By Dandy Wonderous

_You shouldn't kiss me like this_

_Unless you mean it like that_

'_Cause I'll just close my eyes_

_And I won't know where I'm at_

This operation had been different than the Straw Hats' usual method of barging in and forcing things to go their way. Nami had been the main champion of secrecy, and Sanji had backed her up. Robin and Usopp had agreed, and while Zoro and Luffy weren't too happy about it, they eventually went along with the plan, waiting on the ship until Nami returned with the map (and any other treasures she happened to "find") she wanted so bad.

The rich man who held the map was holding some kind of big fancy ball at his house that night, and they decided that would be the easiest time to infiltrate. But Nami couldn't go in unaccompanied, so, as he was the only man on board with any kind of social presence, Sanji got to go along as her "date."

He had trailed her all night like a lovesick puppy, fetching her drinks whenever she ordered them, shooting any other man who got too near dangerous glares, and occasionally getting distracted by any beautiful women that passed. He had to say that the night was going well; while Nami fished for information, he got to admire her in all her stunning beauty, especially in that sparkling white evening gown.

"Nami-swaaan!" he cooed, twirling around her extravagantly. "Is there anything else I can get for you? More champagne? More chocolate? Or maybe you just want to go out on the veranda with me and enjoy the night? Ah! Mellorine!"

"No thank you, Sanji-kun," Nami replied with the disinterested tone she typically used to appease him. "Just try to be quiet, okay?"

"Yes, Nami-san, whatever you say!"

She had been skipping around on the edges of groups of party-goers, gleaning information from the most gossipy of them, but she was starting to get suspicious looks. More and more people were starting to realize that they didn't recognize this young lady or her escort from around town, and that she was simply too shifty.

"Sanji-kun," she said suddenly, voice low and slightly seductive. She grabbed his arm, and he felt a chill run down his spine. "Let's dance." And she started to lead him out to the dance floor.

"Mellorine!" he muttered, practically floating after her.

_We'll get lost on this dance floor_

_Spinning around_

_And around and around and around_

Nami had never ballroom danced before, but Sanji must have learned at some point. After he composed himself enough to focus, he proved to be very graceful, leading her with confidence. He was absorbed with the dance while she let herself be spun around and looked for a way into the rest of the house. There was one hallway that a large man was standing near, and she guessed that anything valuable would be that way. _At least they made it obvious._

"It's so wonderful to dance with you, Nami-san," Sanji was cooing, and she looked back at him.

"I didn't know you dance, Sanji-kun," she said, the disinterested appeasement back.

"Anything to make beautiful ladies such as yourself happy, Nami-san!"

"It's very impressive…" She trailed off, looking up at him. It was a little startling to see him so close like this, looking down at her with that dopey lovesick face… Had his eye always been that blue?

"Sanji-kun…" she murmured. Then, before she really knew what she was doing, she reached up and cupped his face in her hand.

"N-nami-san?"

"Mmm…" was her reply. And then she pulled his lips to hers.

_They're all watchin' us now_

_They think we're fallin' in love_

_They'd never believe we're just friends_

They had stopped dancing. Standing there, on the dance floor, they were both too absorbed in the kiss to notice they where in the way. A few people on the sidelines "awwed" at the sweet spectacle.

It _was_ sweet. Gentle, too. Their lips pressed together, just testing and tasting, not going all the way. He pulled her closer to his chest and she let him, enjoying the feel of his arm around her waist and on the small of her back. She enjoyed the taste of his lips, like smoke and nicotine, things she hadn't thought she would ever like before that were suddenly intoxicating. There was also other tastes there, spices she would never know the name of. She like the feel of them, too, and the way she could feel the muscles in his chest. She liked how she felt safe, with him holding her, shielding her from the world.

But then she remembered why she was here, and she broke it off, pulling away. "Come on, Sanji-kun," she murmured. "Let's go somewhere more private." Her eyes glinted.

She expected him to fly into a fit of "mellorines" and swooning, but instead he only nodded dumbly, slightly slack-jawed, and let her lead him off the floor. They slipped out into the garden where pairs of lovers were wandering around and hiding together behind hedges and rose bushes. She took him behind one of these hedges, which also happened to be just below a window that led to the upstairs, the part she had seen guarded.

"Okay, Sanji-kun," she whispered, all business. "If you let me get on your shoulders, I bet I can reach that window, and then-"

"N-Nami-san?"

"What?" she snapped, harsher than she meant to. She whirled to glare at him.

_When you kiss me like this_

_I think you mean it like that_

He wasn't meeting her eyes, but she could tell his was confused. "That was… That kiss was…"

"Just an act," she waved it off. "An excuse to come out here."

His head snapped up. For a second she saw the disappointment there, and then he forced cheerfulness. "Of course, Nami-san. You're so cunning!"

She found herself feeling surprisingly guilty. She hated that look, that sad, broken look that he was trying to hide so hard. He had read too much into that kiss…

_She_ had read too much into that kiss.

She really didn't need this right now. But still…

"Sanji-kun, that… It was just an act. Nothing more."

"Of course, Nami-san."

"Just an act, got it?"

"Yes, Nami-san."

Why did he just move closer to her?

"But it didn't _feel_ like one," he whispered.

She stared blankly back up at him.

"Nami-san, if… If it was really an act, get on my shoulders now and climb into that window. But if it… but if it wasn't…" He leaned down closer, and then froze, scared.

_If you do, baby_

_Kiss me again_

Nami stared up at him.

She started to take a step back.

Then she stopped.

And she pulled him down, just like she had down before, on that same crazy impulse.

This time, there wasn't anyone watching. No reason for acting.

She kissed him again.

**The End**

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A/N: Cheesy, I know. But I can write pointless fluff whenever I want to!

Now on to dessert!


	9. Creepy Crawlies

Title: Creepy Crawlies

Rating:

Characters: Sanji, Nami

Pairings: SaNa… Sort of, but maybe not at all.

Spoilers: Slight mentions of Skypeia and Enies Lobby.

Timeframe: After Enies Lobby, I suppose

Notes: Because they're afraid of bugs, so I have to exploit it at least _once_. While I was writing this my hair would brush my face and I would jump, or I would think I felt things on my toes… Haha! I think they get a little OOC…

Summary: Sanji, Nami, and a cave full of creepy crawlies. This can't end well…

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Creepy Crawlies

By Dandy Wonderous

Sanji was a man who had seen many things, a man who had persevered through atrocities without fear, or at least without visible fear.

Mermen? No problem.

Getting shocked to the state of burnt toast (twice)? Nothing he couldn't handle.

Annoying giant wolf guys? No sweat.

But _this_ cave, which he and Nami had taken refuge in from a large force of marines, wasn't full of mermen, demi-gods, or wolfmen.

_Why couldn't it have been snakes? _he thought woefully. _Or evil pygmies, or zombies, or something?_

No, the cave was not full of these things. What it did hold was bugs.

Lots of bugs.

Spiders and centipedes and scorpions and, most hated of all, _cockroaches_, and they seemed to have nothing better to do than try to scuttle up his trouser leg.

Had he been alone, he would have taken his chances with the marines rather than stay in the cave a second longer. But he was with Nami, and they had agreed to try and avoid fighting with them, anyway, and get back to the ship as soon as possible. He and Nami had ducked in here to try and lose them, but they hadn't expected a colony to be on the inside.

Nami was just as thrilled to be in this nest as he was. She freaked at every slight touch of a leg or a feeler on her sandaled foot, usually cringing into his chest for protection and swallowing a shriek.

That part he couldn't complain about. But he'd hardly get out a single "mellorine" before another menace invaded his personal space.

It wasn't so much that he was _afraid_ of bugs. But they were creepy, had _way_ too many legs and eyes, and their presence never failed to give him headaches in the kitchen.

And they were just gross. A gentleman such as he shouldn't be subjected to such unsanitary things.

Shouts from outside. The cave was fairly shallow, and Sanji realized with dread that their only chance was to hide behind a large pile of rocks at the back. He gripped Nami's wrist and tugged on her gently.

"Come on, Nami-san," he whispered, voice so low she could barely hear it. She looked at the rocks, listening to the scuttling of so many hundreds of tiny feet, scowled, then nodded and followed.

They crunched unpleasantly to the back of the cave and dove behind the rocks just as the marines reached the entrance and peered inside. A few decided it would be a good place to check and started in, weapons raised, while the others hurried on.

It was about that time that Sanji looked at Nami and noticed the spiders making their way up her arm and onto her shoulder. One was brushing her cheek with a leg experimentally.

He could see the freak out coming already, so he reacted; he muffled her with one hand, eye desperately pleading for forgiveness for his rude action.

She stared at him with wide eyes, wanting to scream but holding it back.

They listened to the marines for a moment, who were cautiously approaching.

Nami's eye widened even further and she uttered a muffled gasp, low enough that it couldn't be heard.

And Sanji felt the roaches on his arms and face. A few were even in his hair.

Okay, so maybe he was a _little_ afraid of bugs.

This time it was his turn to freak, and her turn to slam her hand over his mouth. The marines had guns, and if they found them now with nothing to shield them…

The two pirates stayed that way for what seemed an eternity, listening to the marines, hearts pounding, trying to ignore the little feet that climbed over their arms and faces and into their hair and down their shirts and…

"AAH!"

There was a freaked scream, but it did not come from Sanji or Nami. Only feet from their hiding place one of the marines had stepped in a young spider nest and had them crawling all over his legs. Next to him one of the others was being assaulted by Sanji's good friends the cockroaches. Another was trying to get an extra large centipede off his head.

Screaming like little girls (an oddly satisfying sound, Sanji thought), the marines fled the cave, in unspoken agreement that no one was crazy enough to hide in such a place.

The second they knew they were alone Sanji and Nami were on their feet, brushing bugs off themselves and each other, shaking them out of their clothes and hair. Nami had finally given in and was verbally freaking, though she had the good sense to keep it to a dull roar, while Sanji blasted them with every curse word he knew and a few he made up for good measure.

Finally Sanji brushed the last of the spiders off Nami's cheek and they fell silent, panting slightly. And then, simultaneously, they began a bug squashing spree, getting rid off all the vermin that had been on them permanently.

"I think…" Sanji said after a moment. "I think that's the last of the shitheads."

"Here, at least," she agreed, looking around. "But the rest of the cave is still infested."

"Then we'll run the hell out of here and squash a bunch on our way."

She looked ready to act on that plan, but suddenly she paused. "Wait… Do you hear that?"

"Huh?" Sanji strained his ears, but couldn't hear anything.

"It sounds like… a whole bunch of treasure being jingled around!" Nami was suddenly excited, her eyes seeming to turn into beri signs.

"Nami-san has such wonderful hearing!" Sanji gushed unnecessarily. "But where is it coming from?"

She peered around the gloom and saw something. "Look, there's more to this cave!"

Sanji looked where she indicated. Indeed, he could see it now: a low passage that led deeper underground just behind where they now hid.

"Let's go see what's down there," she demanded, and he was quick to comply.

"Follow me, Nami-san. I'll protect you from any bugs. But just in case, you may want to stand very close."

"Just go, Sanji-kun."

"Yes, Nami-san!"

He had to stoop low to fit through the passage, and even she had to duck her head. They went down for maybe fifty yards or so, and then it leveled out. They rounded a corner and entered a large chamber, no light from above reaching it.

Sanji pulled his lighter out of his pocket and lit it, then held it up for what light it gave.

First thing the light found was a large pile of gold, which Nami immediately squealed in delight over.

The second thing the light found was the dozens of glittering eyes belonging to the huge spider that guarded the treasure.

"Oh, shit!" he yelled, taking an involuntary step back and almost knocking her down.

Okay, so maybe he was _more_ than a little afraid of bugs. But to his credit, this bug was the size of a frickin' wheelbarrow.

The only thing that would be worse is if the lighter went out.

"Sanji-kun," Nami hissed urgently. She sounded scared. "There's a big spider here."

"Nami-san is so observant," he stuttered, not sarcastic even if a small part of him wanted to be.

"You're gonna have to squash it if I'm gonna-if _we're_ gonna get that treasure."

"Y-yes, of course. Anything Nami-swan desires." He took a deep breath and straightened up, normal battle nonchalance forced onto his face.

"Alright, bug," he addressed it. "Nami-san wants that gold, so you're gonna have to get out of the way or be squished."

In response, it made an odd hissing noise (were spiders even supposed to be able to do that!?!) and spit a thread of sticky webbing at Sanji that he just managed to avoid.

Nami shrieked and dove back through the entry, calling over her shoulder, "I'm counting on you, Sanji-kun!"

Well, that got him fired up. He hopped to his feet with new determination. "Yes, Nami-san!"

And then the lighter sputtered and died.

Cursing Murphy and his stupid law, Sanji flicked the lighter a few times with his experienced thumb. A few sparks, and then nothing.

Out of lighter fluid.

Shit.

Another hiss, and the webbing flew past his shoulder; he felt the air as it passed. How was he supposed to squash this giant-shudder-bug without any light?

"I know you can do it, Sanji-kun!"

_That's right. This is for Nami-san. All for Nami-san. Focus on Na-HOLY SHIT WAS THAT ITS LEG!?!_

Something that felt vaguely hairy brushed against his waist and he forced a shriek back down his throat. After all, Black Leg Sanji did _not_ scream like a little girl.

Instead he gritted his teeth and took a few steps away from the leg. Then, hoping he had judged the distance right in the dark, he pulled his leg up and brought it down hard on the spider's back. Or abdomen. Or whatever.

It made a strange, high-pitched shrieking noise, then collapsed on the cave floor. Just to be sure, Sanji gave it a few more kicks.

"It's dead, Nami-sa-AAH!"

Black Leg Sanji did _not_ shriek like a little girl; that had been a manly shout of surprise.

Several strands of webbing had shot from nowhere and slammed him back into the wall, pinning him there. A hissing confirmed his worst fear; there was a _second_ spider lurking in the darkness beyond the gold.

"Um, N-nami-san," he stammered quietly, still embarrassed by his shri-manly shout of surprise. "There's another one…"

"So kill it!"

"I would love to, Nami-san, but I seem to be…" He struggled against the web, but it was strong as steel. "Stuck."

A pause.

"What do you mean, you're STUCK!?!"

"Well, you see, it has me in its web…"

The hissing grew closer.

"Nami-san, it's coming this way," he said urgently.

"Wait, that's good!"

A beat. "It is?"

"Just keep distracting it, Sanji-kun!" She rushed past him, producing a large bag from who knew where and shoveling gold in like crazy.

"Good plan, Nami-san!" Sanji cooed, but could hear his pounding heart in his ears. The spider was getting closer. It wouldn't take long before-

A shiver ran down his spine as it touched him with the familiar hairy leg.

"N-nami-san?" he ventured. "It's here."

"Just a few more seconds, Sanji-kun," she called back cheerfully.

"Yes, Nami-san…" He pulled as far away from the spider as he could, thrashing against the web.

He felt something brush his arm. _Are those its FANGS!?! Shit, it's gonna suck me dry!_

"Nami-san?" he said more frantically.

No answer but the movement of feet.

_Did she just LEAVE ME HERE!?! No, no, Nami-san would never do that! I have faith in her._

The spider hissed again and he felt the pointy things that were suspiciously like fangs once again.

_Oh shit, what if she did? Well, it's good that she got her treasure, but…_ He couldn't help but think that maybe, just _maybe_, she had really left him to die.

WHACK!

The Perfect Clima-tact slammed down on the beast's head. It hissed in surprise, but she had already hit it a second time. It went down, and she stamped on it a few times with her high-heeled sandal.

"Nami-san came back for me!" Sanji crowed in pure delight.

"Of course I did, moron. What, did you think I was just going to leave you here?"

"Of course not, Nami-swan! I never doubted you for a single second!"

"Yeah, yeah. Now let's get you… out… Ugh! What is with this stuff!?!" She tugged on the web, unable to break it. "Oh, it's no use. It'll have to be cut."

Sanji felt dread growing already. "Might I ask with what, Nami-san?" _Don't say it, please don't say it…_

"I'll just have to find Zoro. He'll have you out of there in a second."

Sanji couldn't stop his groan. Just what he needed; the marimo to see him plastered to the wall like a giant fly.

"Oh, it'll be fine," Nami lied. She was probably smiling encouragingly, not like Sanji could appreciate it in the dark.

"Whatever Nami-san thinks is best," he managed half-heartedly.

Feeling unusually guilty, Nami felt around until she found his arm through a gap in the webbing. "I'm sorry, Sanji-kun."

"Don't feel that way, Nami-san! It's not your fault!"

"I know that, idiot. But I'm still sorry you're stuck to the wall." She sighed, following the sticky outline of his body until she got to his face. She rubbed his right cheek comfortingly. "Thank you for helping me."

_Nami-san is touching me! Ah! Mellorine!_ Sanji smiled despite his circumstances. "Of course. I'd do anything for you, Nami-san."

"Yeah, well… Thanks anyway." And then, after a second of hesitation, she stood up on her tiptoes and kissed him on the lips.

It wasn't long, but it was enough that, when she pulled away, he erupted into "mellorines" and somehow managed to wiggle in his customary delighted way in spite of his bonds.

She hadn't really planned that, but, after everything he had just done, she decided he had deserved it.

She stepped back and gathered up her bag. "I'll be back as soon as I can, okay?"

"I'll wait for you until I die, Nami-san!"

She smirked just a little. "It won't take _that_ long. Oh, and Sanji-kun?"

"Yes, Nami-san?"

"Don't worry; I won't tell Zoro about how you screamed like a girl."

Sanji waited until she was gone up the passage before he slammed his head back against the rock in humiliation.

**The End**

* * *

A/N: Aw, poor Sanji-kins!

I don't think he would _actually_ scream like a girl, _ever, _but I just couldn't resist having some fun with it anyway.

I don't know _why_ that spider had so much treasure. Maybe it's like dragons and magpies; it likes shiny things.

Finally, this is Dandy Wonderous, surprised she fell this far to the SaNa side, signing off!


	10. Dirty Minds

Title: Dirty Minds

Rating: I'll say M to be safe, for overtly suggestive language and themes; may still be technically T

Characters: Every Straw Hat save Brook (though that WOULD have been interesting…)

Pairings: None

Spoilers: Post-Enies Lobby stuff (sort of)

Timeframe: Post-Enies Lobby, pre-Thriller Bark

Notes: My friends and I played this fun board game called "Dirty Minds." It was hilarious! And naughty, but hey, we're all 16+. Except we were playing it in front of an eight-year-old… We have no shame… My only problem with this is, while I now know enough about Franky to write his character (woot!), if he has any nicknames or anything he uses I don't know them yet. So excuse the slight OOCness if it occurs. Also, if they wanted to hide from the girls, it would have been better to play this in the men's quarters, but oh well. Oh, and I don't own "Dirty Minds" or any of the clues.

Summary: The Straw Hats + a board game called "Dirty Minds" = nothing good.

**

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**

Dirty Minds

By Dandy Wonderous

"Supper isn't ready yet, shitheads."

Zoro ignored the obvious warning and entered the dining room anyway, dropping a box onto the table. Franky and Usopp followed, sitting down next to him at the end, in a semi-circle around the box. The cyborg looked excited, the sniper looked guilty.

"What's that?" Sanji asked suspiciously, coming over to lean against the bar and glare at them (albeit curiously) through his cigarette smoke.

"Board game," answered Zoro simply, taking the lid off and setting it aside.

The cook scoffed. "Like your moss-brain is capable of playing a board game." He watched them each pull out a thin black booklet. "What game is it?"

Franky grinned at him conspiratorially. "Dirty Minds."

A pause. "Uh, what?"

"Dirty Minds," he repeated, starting to laugh. Usopp joined in nervously; even Zoro was grinning by now. He picked up one of the booklets and tossed it to the chef, who caught it and flipped it open to a random page. His eyes fell on one of the little boxes it was divided into.

**Luck**

-I have four letters.

-I end in U-C-K.

-If you have me, you score.

Sanji's visible eye widened until it covered most of his face, his mouth hanging open in perfect imitation of a gasping fish. For a moment he stayed that way, then his jaw worked to form words. Finally, they succeeded.

"What the _hell_!?!"

"It's a guessing game!" Franky calmed down enough to explain. "But all the clues throw you off by making you think super dirty thoughts!"

"Wanna play?" asked Zoro, still smirking.

Sanji was too busy roving over the other clues, face flushed. They were worried his nose might start pouring blood any second. Finally, he composed himself enough to lay the book down, closed, on the counter, and straighten up. "No," he said flatly.

Both Franky and Usopp started whining, until Zoro cut them off. "Yeah, you're too much of a pervert; you'd never win."

"I'd do a lot better than you, marimo; you can't possibly know such big words as "curtains.""

"Prove it."

Sanji snatched the book back up and walked around to the counter, slamming down next to Franky. "Let's go."

"First," Usopp interrupted, reading the rules, "we have to spread out those cards and take two. Do anything they tell you to first."

They did so. "What's with the letters?" asked Zoro impatiently.

"The object of the game is to get cards that spell out "dirty.""

"Oh-uh, that may be too difficult for you, marimo."

"Shut up, ero-cook; I already have a T and a Y."

Sanji ground his teeth; he had two R's.

Usopp drew two, as his card directed, and then went back over the rules. "Okay, so now one of us will read one of the clues to the person on our right, and the game will start."

"What game?" asked a feminine voice slyly.

Usopp jumped, as did Sanji, though from fright rather than to fawn. "O-o-oh, Nami!"

"Nami-swan! Robin-chwan!" Sanji cooed, twirling to stand by the ladder they were descending. "Do you want me to make you something?"

"No thank you, Cook-san," said Robin, stepping down behind Nami.

"What's going on, Sanji-kun?"

Sanji might have been girl-crazy, but he wasn't stupid. "Oh, just a trivial game, Nami-san. Nothing two lovely ladies such as yourselves would be interested in." He waved it off quickly, sending warning telepathic messages. Usopp picked up on it, hiding the booklets and the name on the box.

"Oh, I don't know," Nami said, waltzing past him to the table where Usopp was sweating buckets. "It's a slow day; a game could be just what I need right now." She leaned onto the sniper's chair. "So, Usopp; what'cha playin'?"

"Oh, just, uh, Monopoly."

"That isn't Monopoly," she said simply, looking at the black box.

A hand sprouted from the table and picked up one of the cards. "Dirty Minds," Robin read.

Nami plucked the book from Usopp's grasp and flipped it open. Her eyes scanned the clues, getting bigger and bigger as she did so. Soon, she was smirking, then laughing.

Robin walked over and read over her shoulder. She looked mildly surprised. "Ah, I see what this game entails."

"Wanna play?" asked Zoro.

"Lout! As though these two beautiful ladies would ever want to play something so base as-"

"Why not; looks like fun!"

"An interesting diversion."

"R-robin-chan? Nami-san?"

"But the game is designed for four players," Usopp pointed out.

"So we'll just play in teams," said Franky with a shrug.

"Okay, three teams of two."

_But should I be with Robin-chan or Nami-san? _Sanji quietly fretted to himself. _Oh, I just can't decide!_

"Robin! Be my partner!" Nami cried.

"Certainly, Navigator-san."

…_Nevermind._

Usopp and Franky paired up, leaving Sanji and Zoro as the last team, for no particular reason other than the author's desire to torture them.

They reshuffled the cards and were about to draw again when a loud rubber boy followed by a talking reindeer appeared in the hatch.

"Here they are, Chopper!" cried Luffy happily. He dropped down into the dining room, followed by the doctor. "Why are you all in here?"

"We're just playing a game," said Nami simply.

They both looked hurt. "You were playing a game without us?" Luffy asked.

The rest of the crew looked at each other. "We were just on our way to get you," Usopp said quickly.

Luffy's customary grin immediately reappeared. "Oh, okay then." He and Chopper joined them at the table.

"What game is it?" asked the reindeer excitedly.

"Um… Dirty Minds," Nami admitted.

"It's a guessing game that makes you think dirty thoughts," said Zoro flatly.

"Oh…" said Chopper slowly, not liking the idea. But he wasn't about to be left out, so he looked up at Luffy. "So we're playing?"

"Haha, of course!"

Franky handed them the last booklet. "Okay, so Luffy and Chopper are the last team."

"The object," Usopp explained again, "is to get cards that spell out "dirty" by guessing the correct answer to the clues. When you do, you have to yell "dirty" three times." He passed out the cards.

The teams were seated around the table in this order (clockwise):

The Super Engineers (Usopp and Franky)

The Elegant Beauties (Robin and Nami, team name courtesy of Sanji)

The Mega Awesome Straw Hat Knights (Chopper and Luffy, Luffy's idea)

Sanji and Zoro (who refused (and fought too much) to name themselves)

"Okay, so I guess we're starting," said Usopp, looking through his book.

"That one," said Franky, pointing with a nod.

"Right." He cleared his throat, still a little nervous. "I end in "U-C-K."

"You do?" asked Luffy in confusion.

"No, Luffy, that's the clue."

"Oh. Okay."

Nami and Robin looked at each other for a moment, both thinking the same thought every non-innocent person was thinking. "The first guess is free," Usopp reminded them.

"Luck, perhaps?" asked Robin.

"Nope. Next clue: I describe a dive under the covers."

Everyone (save Luffy, who looked unaffected, and Chopper, who looked a little freaked) snorted in laughter.

"Duck," said Robin.

"Correct! Take two cards!"

"Robin-chan is so smart!"

"Okay, our turn," said Nami. "For Luffy and Chop-"

"The Mega Awesome Straw Hat Knights!"

A sigh. "For the Mega Awesome Straw Hat Knights: parts of me are long and hard."

Sanji's head slammed on the table while Zoro snorted and Franky laughed outright.

"A tree!" said Luffy simply.

"Uh, no. Next: I go between your fleshy parts."

Sanji and Franky had some kind of perverted fit.

"Oh! A skeleton!" cried Chopper excitedly.

"Yep! Take two cards!"

"Yeah! Way to go Chopper! We're winning!"

"Really? Wow!"

"Just read the clues," said Zoro impatiently.

"Oh, okay." Luffy looked at the book, tongue out in concentration. Finally he settled on one. "Yosh! I work better with a whip."

"Nami?" Zoro suggested, only to be kicked out of his seat by his teammate.

"Nope!" said Luffy, missing the implication (as he had been all the previous). "My head goes between lots of fur."

Sanji stopped his assault only to collapse on the floor in laughter along with Zoro.

"Does that mean you don't know?" asked Usopp.

"N-no, I go… I got it…" Sanji gasped out, then fell back laughing again. Zoro sobered enough to grab his shoulders and shake them.

"Well, what is it?"

"L-hahaha! Li-li… Haha! Lion…"

"Lion," answered Zoro.

"Nope!"

"Lion tamer!" Sanji finished, kicking his teammate once again.

"You two lose a card, and we get to guess," said Usopp triumphantly.

"Lion tamer," Franky repeated.

"Yep!"

"Stupid cook!"

"It's not _my_ fault!"

The two lost their card and fell to fighting until Nami stopped them forcefully and made them return to the game.

"Okay, how about this?" said Sanji, looking at the book. Zoro nodded, and Usopp gulped; perhaps the only thing scarier than Sanji and Zoro fighting was Sanji and Zoro getting along.

"It takes two positions to do me," the cook read.

"Sounds about right," added Zoro. He ended up in the floor again while Usopp and Franky thought it over.

"Dance?" Usopp suggested.

The two paused in their fight. "Wrong!"

Sanji grabbed the book and read the next clue. "Both sides try to drive in their point."

"Still sounds right."

"Pass," said Usopp once Nami had the "children" separated again.

"A debate, Cook-san?" said Robin.

"Yes! Robin-chan is so wonderful when she-"

"Yeah, yeah, next," interrupted Zoro.

"Okay," said Franky. "Next! Some people do me with their hands."

Nami blushed and then laughed, and Robin looked amused. Zoro and Sanji had stopped fighting to laugh with Franky and Usopp.

"You can do lots of stuff with your hands," Luffy pouted, obviously having no clue, and that only set them off harder.

"Who knows? Write?" Nami guessed.

"No. Some people do me to themselves."

Sanji's head slammed down on the table again, shoulders shaking. Franky laughed and pounded his hand on the table, careful not to break it. Usopp laughed guiltily and Zoro smirked. Chopper blushed and Luffy… seemed oblivious.

"I… honestly don't know," said Robin, fighting her own laugh. Nami wasn't fairing as well. "Pass."

"I dunno," said Luffy with a shrug.

"I know," said Sanji quietly, and then he and Zoro erupted again, without actually answering.

"Okay, so now we go on to the next clue," said Usopp. "I am a… a form of…" He couldn't finish.

"Oral intercourse." Franky did it for him.

"What's "innercore" mean?" asked Luffy, looking pointedly at Chopper.

"Um, I don't know," the doctor lied.

"Oh. Talking," said Robin, the meaning dawning on her.

Everyone realized that that made sense (except perhaps Luffy), and settled back down (for the most part).

"Next, for Luffy and… for the Mega Awesome Straw Hat Knights," Robin corrected. "I am a wonderful place to hide the salami."

"The refrigerator!" Luffy cheered.

"Why, that's correct, Captain-san."

"Yosh! Wait, that reminds me." He turned with a dead expression to Sanji. "Meeeaaat."

"No way. We're playing this!"

"But it's boring; I don't even get why it's so funny!"

Everyone sweat dropped and decided not to answer.

"Wait, Luffy!" cried Chopper excitedly. "We have enough cards to spell "dirty"!"

"Alright! What do we yell again?"

"Dirty three times."

"Yosh."

The two jumped up and yelled together, "Dirty, dirty, DIRTY!!!"

Everyone else slumped at the table in disappointment.

"Now, Sanji, meat!"

"Ugh, fine, whatever." He got up from the table, stopping to glare at Zoro. "I blame you."

"The hell? For _what_?"

"For losing. You didn't get "lion tamer.""

"Oh, go talk to yourself."

That was all it took; even Robin couldn't stop herself from erupting with laughter.

Only Chopper and Luffy were quiet. Chopper still looked freaked, Luffy still looked oblivious. "I still don't get it," he informed the reindeer flatly.

Chopper shook his head at the humans. "I don't, either."

About three in the morning the men's cabin was shocked awake by their captain, who sat up suddenly and yelled, "Oh, I get it! It was all supposed to sound like SEX!!! Hahahahahahaha!"

**The End**

* * *

A/N: There were many more funny ones, like for "toothpaste" and "pimple." My favorite by far was the one for "talking," though. Haha! That would have been better if I had actually had the game instead of writing the clues from memory…

On a side note, I won both rounds of this game. Oh, what now?

**Reader Review Corner for the SaNa drabbles!**

Three-days-late: 1) Well, I had to give him _something_, right? 2) Me too! Thank you! And uh, you're welcome! ^^ 3) Of course. ^^

Silver Child of the Sea: Cool, I got someone to enjoy a pairing they don't normally like! Score! And thank you!

Krentenbol: Aw, thank you! I'm glad you thought they were so good!

jfox99: Thanks! And I didn't think of Indie... I actually thought of "Snakes on a Plane" (rofl).

This is Dandy Wonderous, signing off. Dirty, dirty, dirty!!!


	11. A Call to the Baratie

Title: A Call to the _Baratie_

Rating: T (a few curses courtesy of the cooks)

Characters: Sanji, Zeff

Pairings: None

Spoilers: The _Thousand Sunny_. That's it.

Timeframe: Post-Enies Lobby, pre-Thriller Bark

Notes: I had the idea for a fic where Sanji called the _Baratie, _but couldn't think of a reason for him to. Then I drove past a sign that was advertising a Father's Day sell and, after realizing I still needed to get a card, I figured out exactly why he would be calling. The fic is pretty much the same as how I thought it up, save the ending. I have no idea if the DenDen Mushi could make a call to the East Blue, but oh well.

Summary: Sanji had a good reason for calling today, all he had to do was spit it out.

**

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**

A Call to the _**Baratie**_

By Dandy Wonderous

The moon was high in the sky and the _Thousand Sunny_ was quiet as it rocked gently on the waves. The crew had long since retired for the night, all save Zoro on watch and the lone figure that now slumped on the couch in the dining room, eyes locked hesitantly on the Den Den Mushi.

He had been staring at it for a good twenty minutes or so, mind running confusingly in circles while his cigarette burned down low. He flicked some ash off absently and watched as it fluttered to the floorboards in the patches of moonlight.

He knew he should call. He _wanted_ to call, but paradoxically dreaded it.

_They probably won't answer,_ he rationalized. He hadn't figured time differences into this; it could be the middle of the night or the heat of the lunch rush for all he knew. And could he even get a call through to East Blue? It was likely that there wasn't enough signal.

His free hand, unburdened by the dieing cigarette, twitched longingly toward the Den Den Mushi yet again, then froze when it came in contact with the top. With a jerk he brought the stray hand back to his lap and held it there forcefully.

He wanted to call, but he was nervous, so very nervous.

He regarded the cigarette and blew on it gently to get the end to flare up again. Then he took a long drag and blew the smoke from his nostrils, watching as it twirled up toward the ceiling, adding a misty haze to the filtered moonbeams.

The other hand broke free of his hold and twitched toward the Den Den Mushi once more. This time it lifted the receiver.

He brought it over to him and stared at it in wonder. He was so close, would he jump over the edge?

Sticking the cigarette between his teeth, he leaned over the arm of the couch and dialed a number he knew by heart but had never called.

Then he waited.

There was just dial tone for a few seconds as the Den Den searched for a connection. Then, after a painful moment of silence, it rang.

He gripped the receiver tightly in his hand, knuckles as white as his anxious face.

Ring.

_Maybe they won't answer,_ he thought with a mixture of relief and disappointment.

Ring.

_Everyone's asleep or too busy to answer._

Ring.

Ri-

"Hello, this is the _Baratie_. What can I do for you today, bastard customer?"

"Hello, Patty. Still a shithead, I see."

A shocked noise from the other end of the line. "S-sanji!?!"

"The one and only."

"Why are _you _calling?"

"I have some business with Owner Zeff; go get him, will you?"

"Okay, okay; just wait a second, I'll go tell him you're on the line."

"Good."

He sat in the still dining room, heart thudding erratically somewhere between his throat and stomach. Why was he so damn _nervous_?

A long silence ensued, in which he was _sure_ that the call had dropped, that the connection was bad. Or perhaps Patty had simply hung up on him. Either way, no one was ever going to answer.

He gripped the receiver anxiously anyway.

The ticks of the clock seemed abnormally loud tonight.

Tick, tock, tick, tock…

"Hello?"

His heart stopped. He lost all train of thought at the sound of the all too familiar voice on the Den Den, one that brought back memories of hard work and training and lots of kicks and bruises and nights when a barren rock devoid of food would haunt him once again and he would sneak into the old man's room shyly and curl up on the floor by the bed just so he could listen to the sound of his breathing and be calm and would drift off and always wake up on the bed tangled in the sheets…

He felt a rush of emotions that all clamored for a different reaction. Part of him wanted to laugh. Another wanted to cry. Still another wanted to cuss out the man on the other end, just like old times.

"Hello? Little eggplant, are you there?"

He quickly set aside all those options when he realized that, if he didn't answer now, he'd be hung up on and would never work up his nerve again. So he cleared his throat and answered with typical, if forced, nonchalance.

"Yeah, I'm here, shit-geezer."

"Oh, there you are. I thought the call dropped. Well, what'd'ya want? Find All Blue or something?"

"No, I didn't."

A snort. "Well, I didn't really expect it."

"Shitty old man. I've barely seen half of the Grand Line!"

"Well, at least you've seen half of it." It was said flatly, but there may have been some sort of well meaning behind it. "I saw your wanted poster."

His face fell. "Ah."

"It looks like shit. A pretty good representation, actually."

"Shithead."

"But still, you have a bounty now. You're making a name for yourself." There may have been some pride buried in there somewhere, but it was hard to see through the guarded covering of indifference.

"Yeah, well…" was all he could really say.

He was nearly knocked flat by a sudden longing to be back, back in the familiar kitchen of the _Baratie_, being threatened by a peg leg and arguing with the other cooks. Homesickness, or something like it.

"We got a new ship," he said absently.

"Did you?"

"Yeah. It's got a much better kitchen. The man who designed it really is a genius."

"So you're keeping your crew well fed?"

"Of course."

A moment of silence painfully accentuated the lag in conversation. He adjusted his tie nervously.

"Did you actually have a reason for calling and interrupting the dinner shift, or do you just like wasting my time?"

He was jolted by the harshness of the words, but it did bring him back to his point. Exactly what he was so nervous about. He hesitated, staring at the receiver while the geezer waited somewhat patiently for him to spit it out.

"_Don't catch cold, now."_

The words, perhaps the kindest ever spoken by the old pirate to his protégé, echoed in his head.

"Of course I have a reason."

"And it is…?"

The elongated inhalation of smoke. Slowly it was exhaled. Its tendrils floated lazily toward the ceiling to disappear into the shadows.

"Happy Father's Day."

**The End**

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A/N: Ah, the fluff! It was so hard to avoid using Sanji's name in the narration, but I was trying to use only pronouns for effect! It's horribly frustrating…

**Reader Review Corner for ****Dirty Minds****!!**

Blu-Calling: Yeah, it's an awesome game! Thank you!

Avatoa: Well, that's one of the reasons why Luffy's so great; his obliviousness.

Three-days-late: Thanks!

Crysania Fay: Yep! Thank you!

LuffyxRuby: ^^

Supanico: Yay! I'm glad you liked it.

Silver Child of the Sea: Thanks! Can do.

Happy Father's Day, everyone! This is Dandy Wonderous, signing off.


	12. Smelling Fishy

Title: Smelling Fishy

Rating: T for swearing (it's Sanji, people)

Characters: Sanji, Zoro, Nami, Robin

Pairings: CatsxSanji's Pants

Spoilers: None

Timeframe: Post-Arabasta, anytime after

Notes: I was reading "Sanji has a bad day" by jade-blue, and this picture of Sanji running around a pier in his underwear being chased by cats randomly popped into my head (this doesn't happen in the fic, though he is chased by a foxy terrier and later get his pants blown off). So of course I had to write a fic about it! The fish are fish I ate in Hawaii! My fave is monchong (I think that's right) prepared upcountry style, but I ate grilled mahi mahi every morning for breakfast. Ono is delicious fried (yeah, I went on a fish rampage) and grilled, and literally means "the best." I never had ahi, but my dad did and liked it.

Summary: It's a fic about Sanji's pants! Or lack thereof… CRACK!!!

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Smelling Fishy

By Dandy Wonderous

_Stupid shitty fishmonger… Stupid shitty fish…_

Why was Sanji, chef of the Straw Hat pirates, cursing seafood at its finest?

Why, because he had recently been caught in a sudden avalanche of fish that trapped him up to his waist in smelly mahi mahi, monchong, ono, ahi, and tons of other fish. As a chef of the sea, he wasn't unaccustomed to smelling of fish, of course, but this was just ridiculous.

And the fish hadn't even been particularly fresh! Not to mention the fishmonger had just let them crash down all over the deck onto innocent bystanders.

He would finish supply shopping later; right now he wanted pants that weren't wet and stinky.

He stalked back to the dock, townspeople giving him a wide berth. He scowled at his bad luck and the fishmonger and his dang fish and any (male) within scowling distance and fished out a cigarette. It was soggy and refused to light.

_Shit._

Deprived of nicotine and now even more irritable, Sanji continued his trek, hands jammed angrily in his pockets.

He was so absorbed in self pity that he didn't notice the furry figure that had appeared from down one of the side alleys. It sniffed the air curiously before creeping out onto the main street behind the irritated chef. Soon, another joined it, and then another, and another.

Now the townspeople were looking at him in amusement, and a few were even _laughing_ at him, nudging those who had their backs turned and pointing.

Sanji fumed, hunching his shoulders in embarrassment. These people had no manners; couldn't he suffer his indignancy in peace?

It took Sanji several minutes to register the mewing noises behind him. Slowly he looked back over his shoulder…

"YAAAGH!!!"

There were some forty or fifty hungry cats behind him, attracted by the smell of his pants. To them, he was one giant walking fish.

Sanji realized the danger he was in just as one of the more daring kitties launched itself at his leg and latched on.

Sanji yelled again, kicking his leg furiously to shake the thing loose. It went flying off, its claws ripping his skin and trousers in the process, and then five more had taken its place. Now he was reeling in the street, trying to fling the cats off, but there were too many and their claws dug in too far.

He looked around for help, but none of his nakama were in sight (which, he thought somewhere in the background, wasn't necessarily a bad thing), and the townspeople were too busy having a good time at his expense to assist. Then his eyes found the ship, and he felt a wave of relief amidst the waves of pain. He could make a dash for it and be there in seconds; all he had to do was distract the felines.

Well, there was one easy way to do that, but Sanji loathed it with every fiber of his being.

The crawling kitties got too close to some, ah, important parts of Sanji's anatomy and he made up his mind real quick.

The slacks were off and flying behind him in an instant.

There was a good deal of shrieking from women and a roar of laughter from men and children as Sanji took off, clad in his shirt, suit jacket, and underwear emblazoned with, "Somethin's Sizzlin' in the Kitchen, and it Ain't Bacon" (curse cook humor). His cheeks were bright red in embarrassment, but he was close now, and at least he had thrown off the ca-

"HOLY SHIT!!!"

The pants had only served to distract some of the kitties; the rest were still after him and his fishy smelling legs and briefs.

Well, like hell he was completely stripping for the cats!

At that moment, Sanji hated his life immensely. In fact, there was only one thing that could make it worse…

"Sanji-kun!?!"

"Oh dear. Cook-san seems to be in quite the dilemma."

Sanji nearly froze in shock, but had the sense to keep moving. Surely he was imagining it; surely his luck wasn't _that_ bad…

He looked over and there were both his lovely ladies, the shock on their faces quickly turning to merriment. And even worse, Zoro was standing some feet beyond them, smiling like he had just defeated Mihawk and had been rewarded with a promise from Santa to bring him all the sake and rum he wanted everyday for the rest of his life.

_I. Hate. My. Shitty. LIFE!_

At this point Sanji, long nap on the beach with no sun block red from mortification, did the only thing he could think of to shake the cats; he jumped in the ocean.

The cats gathered in a disappointed mob on the edge of the dock and looked down at him, mewling over their lost meal.

"Yeah, that's right, shitty cats! Get the hell out of here!" he yelled, splashing water at them.

Hands appearing along the dock's edge and shooing them discouraged them and they scattered; then, the two girls were there, looking down at him.

"Do you need help back up, Cook-san?" asked Robin.

"No thank you, Robin-chan," he muttered, avoiding her eyes. "I'll just go for a swim…"

"Okay," Nami managed around her giggles. "Good-bye, Sanji-kun!"

"Good day, Cook-san."

Sanji was left alone to tread water for a few minutes before finally clambering back up onto the dock, sure that the ladies were gone.

And then, something black, wet, smelly, and tattered hit him in the face.

"Thought you might like your pants back," said an all-too-familiar voice from beyond the fabric.

Sanji pulled the slacks from around his head to glare at Zoro, but didn't have adequate time to pummel him before…

"MEOW!!!"

"SHITTY SWORDSMAN, I AM GONNA _MURDER _YOU!!!"

**The End**

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A/N: Poor Sanji… Ah, this was fun. Yay for crack!

**Reader Review Corner for ****A Call to the Baratie****!!**

Santoryuu-Zoro: Thanks! And hey, I got a none fan to enjoy; woo!

Three-days-late: Thanks! Me too. I actually wanna write some oneshots… Aw, too many ideas, so little time…

Silver Child of the Sea: Thanks! I'm glad I conveyed it. It's fun to be serious every now and then… and then turn around and write something like this, lawls.

Dancing Nightmare: Aw, I'm glad you liked it that much!

Killslay: Aww! That's probably the best review I've ever gotten! Yeah, it's really Sanji heavy because I like him so much… I actually have some ZoRob ideas though (shock; I don't even like that couple!).

ShoalinQueen: Thanks!

Kyo-kun AND Hatsuharu are hot: Thanks!

Eli t. rick: I thought about extending it, but I just left it to the imagination. And as for that game, you have to sit there like, be serious, be serious, but it's so hard!! Haha!

**Review Reply Corner for ****Singing in the Shower part 2****!!**

Kittylo: Haha, thank you!

Eli t. rick: I know, it's a great song for him! I said this in the a/n, but there's an even better Jason Mraz song for him called "Butterfly" that I could SO see him dancing too in the galley. Thank you!


	13. Smirk

Title: Smirk

Rating: K+ (one cuss word there at the end)

Characters: Zoro, Sanji, Usopp, Nami

Pairings: None

Spoilers: It's all based on episode 297, Sanji vs. Jyabura

Timeframe: Episode 297

Notes: Because I'm finally getting around to finishing up Enies and I got through Sanji vs. Jyabura (finally!!!) tonight. Anyway, when Sanji turns up and saves Usopp Zoro smiles. Or smirks. So I wrote this little introspection drabblely thing.

Summary: It's about time he showed up…

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Smirk

By Dandy Wonderous

Usopp was going to die.

Usopp was going to die, and there wasn't a thing he could do about it while this giraffe freak was coming at him so hard.

He paused for a second to watch as the wolf man pounded his friend into the grass covered floor and was almost eating giraffe hoof and rankyaku. No room for his attention to be diverted.

Nami tried, but she went down easily. He knew all too well that these men were strong, stronger than any opponent he had faced yet, and she just couldn't do enough.

He kept blocking, watching the wolf man from the corner of his eye. And now he was holding Usopp suspended, choking the air out of him, suffocating him.

Usopp's hand went limp, releasing its desperate tug on the wolf's arm.

His scream joined Nami's. "Usopp!"

He couldn't save him, because to move now would give the giraffe the perfect opening to obliterate them all. If it weren't for that… But he couldn't be in two places at once, though that would be nice.

As much as he hated to admit it, he needed help. Preferably someone just as strong as he was.

He glanced over in horror as the wolf readied his killing blow.

Time slowed down. And then…

A dress shoe collided with the wolf's face. And inside that dress shoe was a foot connected to a leg connected to…

'_Bout time the asshole showed up._

"Who are you?" the wolf demanded once the dust cleared.

The man took a long drag on his cigarette and blew the smoke out slowly. "The hunter."

He knew the smile was coming. No, not smile; smirk. He was smirking at the cook's new ridiculous nickname for himself.

But he really knew he was smiling, because now Nami and Usopp were safe. If he could count on the cook for anything, he could count on him for that. He didn't have to worry anymore.

He kept the smile as he turned his full attention to the giraffe. The cook could handle the wolf from here on.

He couldn't be in two places at once, but the cook was almost just as good.

_Almost._

**End**

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A/N: So yeah. There it is. When Zoro smiled at his appearance, I actually backed it up and went, "Whoa did Zoro just… Whoa, he did!!! That was a definite smile right there." Hahaha!

Up waaay too late (it's five in the morning here), this is Dandy Wonderous, signing off.


	14. Episode 332 Fangirl Cut

Title: Episode 332: The Fangirl Cut

Rating: T

Characters: Nami, Franky, Usopp, Sanji, Zoro

Pairings: None

Spoilers: Spoilers for the Ice Hunters filler arc

Timeframe: Episode 332

Notes: I was disappointed in episode 332 for two reasons: one, there was the perfect moment for forced Straw Hat cuddling (addressed in this fic); two, they conveniently forgot that Usopp and Sanji were soaking wet, meaning they were in higher danger of freezing to death (addressed in the next fic). Therefore, I had to do a director's cut… except I'm not a director, so here's the fangirl cut!!!

Summary: Robin takes too long to get the Straw Hats out of their icy prison, and they resort to desperate measures…

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Episode 332: The Fangirl Cut

By Dandy Wonderous

"I can't believe Robin left us!" Usopp wailed for what had to have been the sixtieth time in four minutes.

"Shithead! Don't doubt lovely Robin-chan's judgement! I'm sure she had a good reason!"

Franky nodded. "I'm sure she had a plan, she just hasn't had time to do anything."

"Right," agreed Nami. "I'm sure she's on her way right now."

The four captured crewmates were currently huddled in the Submerge Shark III, attempting to escape the bitter cold. Robin was their only hope at the moment, but she wasn't moving as fast as the others would like.

Sanji, in an attempt to do something of use, pulled out his lighter. He flicked it and offered up the small flame to Nami, who smiled at him (sending him into a mellorine spiral) and held up her hands to the meager heat. She stayed that way for a few minutes and was just getting to where she could feel her fingertips when Usopp suddenly tried to snatch the lighter away.

"Nami, you've had a long enough turn! Let someone else have it!"

A foot and a hand fought him back as both Sanji and Nami tried to hold the flailing sniper at bay. "I deserve it more!" Nami protested. "I'm the navigator, it's imperative that I stay alive!"

"Don't endanger a lady, dumbass!" added Sanji, still kicking forcefully in the cramped space of the sub.

"Hey, hey, we can all take a turn!" intervened Franky, trying to be mediator.

The fierce battle for the lighter continued for several minutes, ending when Usopp finally knocked it out of Nami's hand, sending it spinning into the wall with an ominous crunch and fell to the floor in pieces.

Sanji reached over slowly and retrieved the remains of his fallen lighter before turning to Usopp with the most murderous glare in his arsenal (and he had some whoppers), sending the younger man cowering behind Franky.

For awhile the tense air in the sub held everyone at bay but it eventually lifted and everyone slumped back as lethargy from freezing to death set in. Usopp moved back to his place by Nami with only a harsh look from the cook and navigator.

Several more minutes passed and Usopp began to look more weary than the others. Franky noticed first.

"Oi, Long Nose, don't fall asleep on us."

"Mmm, but I'm so sleepy…"

"Oi, Usopp!" Sanji said forcefully, nudging the other with his shoe.

"Hzzuwha that? Yes, I do have eight thousand followers, we once went up against a giant furzawivil…"

"Usopp! Wake up! You can't fall asleep!" yelled Nami, grabbing his shoulders and shaking him violently.

"I hear little birds chirping…"

"Usopp!!!"

"And there's a lovely field of flowers…"

"Wake up!" Two hands and a foot slammed into Usopp's face.

He was awake.

"We need to think of something fast, or we'll all end up like Usopp," Nami said, ignoring the said woozy man sporting three new bruises next to her.

"Snuggle with me and I'll keep you warm, Nami-saaan!!!"

Usopp and Franky stared at Sanji with raised eyebrows for a moment when suddenly Nami sat up straigher. "That's right, we need to share body heat!"

"What!?!"

"Mellorine!!!"

Nami shoved Sanji back as he attempted to throw his arms around her, looking over at the other two confounded crewmates. "We need to get close together and share body heat," she repeated.

Franky and Usopp looked at each other and then back at her with "you must be crazy, woman" faces.

"You three will keep me safe," she began slowly, "or suffer the consequences!"

Usopp immediately cowered while Franky raised an eyebrow. "And just what will you do, Nee-chan?"

Several Nami-inflicted injuries later, Franky sat grumpily in a huddle with Usopp and Sanji, who did not look overjoyed to be cuddling, either, while Nami burrowed in the middle where it was most warm.

"Thank you, everyone!" said Nami cheerfully. Franky muttered something and she turned around to look up at him with demon eyes. "What was that?"

"N-nothing!"

"First thing you learn in this crew," Usopp whispered. "If Nami ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."

"Oi, get your knee out of my back, tin can bastard!"

"It's your fault for leaning like that, curly brow."

How Sanji's foot swept up in the air, around both Nami and Usopp, and into his face without Sanji moving the rest of his body an inch, Franky would never know.

"Second rule; don't mention the eyebrow. Ever."

Many more minutes of awkward cuddling passed. Sanji attempted to wrap closer to Nami and got violently rejected. Franky questioned his decision to join this crazy crew. Usopp focused on getting as much heat as possible without rubbing Nami the wrong way.

A thump outside made them all jump up happily. "Robin!" cried Nami excitedly.

"Robin-chwan! I knew you would come back for me!"

They opened the hatch and looked outside… to see Zoro sitting on the ground in front of them, rubbing his butt and looking rather annoyed.

"Oh, it's just the shitty marimo," said Sanji disgustedly while Nami and Usopp hung their heads in despair.

"Huh? What are you guys doing here?"

"We were trying to get the flag back and got captured," Usopp explained.

"Hah! Couldn't even protect one flag, shit-cook?"

"Bastard! Like you did any better!"

They pounced on each other before the others could process what was happening, tooth and nail, boot and blade.

"Sanji! Zoro! This is no time to be fighting!" Usopp yelled.

"Knock it off!" roared Nami.

Both men knew it was time to stop and calmed. For a second they stood glaring at each other, then Zoro suddenly gritted his teeth and crossed his arms. "It's even colder in here!"

"Che. Slow marimo…" Sanji couldn't help trying to rub some warmth into his own arms.

Nami wrapped her arms around herself as well, teeth chattering. "Come on, you two, into the huddle!"

Zoro looked up at her in confusion while Sanji visibly paled. "With him? But Nami-san-"

"No whining!"

"Wait, what do you mean, hud… Oh, no."

"Come on, guys, it's freezing!" Usopp pleaded.

Both men looked from the group, to each other, and back again. They, with a scowl, they turned their backs on each other.

"No."

"Ugh! Fine, we don't need them!" Nami threw up her hands in frustration, then grabbed both Franky and Usopp and dragged them back into the sub. The door closed with a bang.

Sanji and Zoro stood there, shivering, backs still turned. Sanji's teeth started chattering. Zoro's knees started shaking. Sanji hunched in on himself. Zoro did as well. Sanji sneezed. Zoro rubbed some snot off his nose.

Finally, neither could stand it anymore. They turned around simultaneously and jumped on the Submerge Shark. Without saying a word, without looking at each other, they pounded on the hatch.

Slowly, it opened, Usopp looking up at them with wide-eyed innocence. "Yes?" he asked. Nami and Franky snickered in the background.

"Let us in," Zoro said darkly.

"But I thought you two didn't want in the huddle."

"Let us in," Sanji echoed, just as dark.

"Hmm, I dunno. What do you think, Franky, Nami?"

Nami held up her hands. "I thought you two were big, strong men who could warm themselves."

"Nami-swan!"

"Look here, devil woman-"

"Ask nicely," she teased, "and _maybe_ we'll let you in."

The two tried to push their way past Usopp but failed thanks to Franky, who effectively blocked the hatch. "You heard Nee-chan," he smirked. "Now ask nicely."

Both men gave him their most evil scowl before saying slowly, together, through gritted teeth, "Please. Let. Us. In."

"There, was that so hard?" The cyborg laughed and moved out of their way, letting the two fall in.

With a grimace they joined the Straw Hat cuddle huddle and waited for Robin's return.

**The End**

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Special Ending Omake: Space Heater

"There has to be a way to get warmer," Usopp mused aloud, squished between Franky and Zoro.

"Well, unless any of you have a space heater on you, that's not gonna happen," Nami snapped.

Zoro leaned his head back against the wall of the submarine, which was metal and cold. He quickly jerked his head back up, and in doing so almost head butted Sanji, who dodged away with an angry scowl.

"What are you trying to do, shitty swordsman?" he shouted.

Nami blinked. "Is it just me, or did it just get a little warmer?"

Usopp mused. "Hey, I think it did."

"It's just your imagination," said Franky with a shake of his head.

Zoro, meanwhile, was staring thoughtfully at the cook. What was it he had said during his fight with the wolf guy? Oh yeah, when he got mad he "heated up."

Interesting; a way to get warm and annoy the ero-cook at the same time!

"Hey, dartboard eyebrow."

Sanji snapped his head around from adoring Nami to glare at him. "What was that?"

"I just wanted to remind you about your stupid swirly eyebrow, twinkle toes."

"Why you little-"

"Oh! Sanji-kun!" Nami pressed herself closer to the blond. "You're so warm!"

Sanji stopped mid-insult to twirl back to Nami. "It's the flame of love I have burning for you, Nami-swan!!!"

She pulled back a little, frowning. "And now it's cold again."

"Listen," Zoro hissed. The others leaned in while Sanji remained oblivious, chanting "mellorine" to himself. "When the cook gets mad," he whispered, "he gets hot."

"So it _did_ get warmer," said Usopp excitedly.

"Yeah, but he has to stay mad," Zoro continued, looking pointedly at Nami.

"I see. And Nee-chan makes him happy."

"You could say that," said Usopp flatly, looking at Sanji, who was still all noodle-y.

"So we need to make the cook mad," Zoro concluded.

"And for the sake of our warmth, Nami has to pretend he doesn't exist," Usopp added.

Nami nodded. "Understood."

They all returned to casual positions as Sanji finally snapped out of it. Luckily he hadn't noticed anything.

"You know that barbecue you cooked for the party, curly cook?" Franky began.

A vein pulsed in Sanji's head at the nickname but he forced a smile. "Yeah. Did you like it?"

"Eh, it was a little dry."

"It was tough," added Usopp.

"It was like eating shoe leather," Zoro finished.

Sanji just gaped at them. He could expect that kind of ribbing from Zoro, but Usopp had always loved his food, and why would Franky say such a thing?

"What?"

"Did you use too much coal?"

"Not enough spices…"

"Maybe you should have turned it more often."

The three men bombarded Sanji with suggestions, which nearly drove him insane. Who were _they_ to tell _him_ how to cook?

He could just feel his blood pressure rising.

"Nami-san," he said quickly, turning to her. "Did you like the food?"

She ignored him completely.

Sanji couldn't think of anything to say.

"Why _does_ your eyebrow do that, Sanji?" Usopp asked, yanking him back from worrying about Nami to glaring at the men. "It's so hypnotizing."

"Maybe his head is really a Devil Fruit," Franky suggested.

"What, the Ero Ero Fruit?" asked Zoro.

"Yes, with the power to look through all girls' clothes," Usopp said with a sagely nod.

"My head is not a fruit!"

Everyone else gave the others secretive grins as the temperature began to rise.

"What's under his hair?" asked Franky, addressing the question to Usopp as though Sanji weren't there, which further infuriated him.

"A horrible scar he got when he didn't take my advice and rushed in to fight a big monster. I had to save him before it got his entire face."

"That isn't true!"

"Then show us," Zoro taunted.

"Like hell, marimo!"

The three men looked at each other, then sprang forward, grappling with Sanji to get at his bangs.

"Hey, stop, you shitheads!" Sanji yelled, swatting at them. Feet flew, sending them all off of him. He was berating them and every member of their families back to the time of the stone ages when he realized that they weren't huddled anymore and that it was now incredibly warm inside the sub.

He blinked, stopping mid-tirade. Zoro smirked at him while the others tried to look innocent.

Then it dawned on Sanji exactly what had happened.

"You bastards were insulting me just to use me as your personal space heater, weren't you!?!"

"What, cook, did we hurt your feelings? Gonna cry?" Zoro mocked.

Sanji roared in fury (increasing the temperature exponentially) and launched himself at Zoro.

The others just watched, content in the toasty warmth and hoping that Robin took a little longer in coming.

**The End Again**

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A/N: The first one was the one I thought of, but in the process of writing it I thought of the space heater idea as well.

Usopp trying to fall asleep and the fight between Sanji and Zoro were both in the anime, but the conversations were slightly different because I didn't bother to rewatch the episode. Everything else was me.

The analogy of a space heater does have _Twilight _(more specifically, _Eclipse_) roots, in case you're wondering. The idea of Sanji "heating up" is his running gag since Jyabura. The idea about his head being a Devil Fruit is from a question about Sanji's eyebrow in the SBS, in which Oda mused that it might indeed mean Sanji is a Devil Fruit.

The guys are incredibly lucky that Sanji didn't go Diable Jambe on their scheming behinds.

As for Robin, she doesn't actually come for them, she just sends some cola. And she didn't take near as long as I'm making it seem.

**Reader Review Corner for "Smelling Fishy" and "Smirk"!!**

(If you're wondering why I didn't do an RRC at the end of "Smirk," it's because it was 4:30 in the morning where I was.)

Eli t. rick: 1) Thanks! That would be so cool! If you ever do drop me the link, okay? 2) Haha, glad I cleared that up for you! Yes, it was like, Whoa, wtf!?!

Avatoa: It's just 'cuz Zoro's nonexistent sense of direction makes him the ideal target. However, Sanji is very easy to torture.

Three-days-late: 1) No kidding! It's just part of being a die-hard Sanji fangirl; you MUST make him suffer (ah, fandom logic)! Maybe they do more than we see, and that's why he hates animals so much. 2) I am now tempted to buy Unlimited Adventure just for that… Although me getting a _One Piece_ video game would probably not be the best idea, because I'd always be either playing as him (or pouting if I couldn't) or I would have the screen paused and just be staring. Especially since, if I'm thinking of the right game, his outfit for that one is awesome. Yeah, I think maybe he has a nickname fetish. It made mine, too!

Dancing Nightmare: 1) Cough cough… No… (next fic she's about to write for the SOS series is a Sanji torture type fic) I dunno, like I said, pants-less Sanji running from cats just popped in my head. Glad I cheered you up! Yes, it _is_ drool worthy… Drools… 2) No kidding, Zoro! O_o Thanks!

Crysania Fay: Isn't it? Whee!!!

IzumiTheMoogle: Thanks! And yes, he does; go see! (you probably already have, as long ago as this was)

Silver Child of the Sea: Well, yeah, Zoro smiles all the time. But not so much at Sanji; it's about as rare to see as the migration of the mighty unicorn fish!!! (Usopp imitation, I guess)

Bishieluv (for drabble 6): Yeah, I guess so. Shrug.

See ya later tonight or some other time. And yes, I was working on this instead of "Room for Two" or "Timeless" (my current _Naruto_ work) or my English homework like I was supposed to be… Meh…

This is an irresponsible (I may have already used that…) Dandy Wonderous signing off!


	15. Sometimes

Title: Sometimes (Guilty Stares)

Rating: K+ (One cuss word)

Characters: Zoro, Sanji, Luffy

Pairings: None

Spoilers: End of Thriller Bark

Timeframe: Post-Thriller Bark

Notes: So, I reached the end of Thriller Bark today (namely, episode 377), which practically requires me to write some sort of drabble on my honor as a Sanji/Zoro nakamaship writer! This is what I thought of. It's more of a stream of consciousness type of thing, very different from what I usually do, so if it comes out weird, I'm sorry.

Summary: A guilt they both share, a guilt he won't allow them to have.

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Sometimes (Guilty Stares)

By Dandy Wonderous

Sometimes, Sanji will catch Zoro staring at Luffy.

It's a sad stare, full of guilt and remorse. But it is also a proud stare, a grateful stare, a stare full of admiration and love.

Zoro understands better than anyone the pain that Luffy experienced during the fight with Moria, the pain Luffy willingly took for his friends. That was certainly not the only time he took such damage, though any more than that Zoro cannot imagine.

Zoro blames himself for that pain Luffy has taken. He thinks it means he didn't protect his captain. Sanji knows that is why his stares are guilty.

He thinks the swordsman is an idiot for believing so. After all, he did more than most would ever agree to do for another person.

Sanji wonders, when he sees Zoro staring at Luffy, what would have happened if _he_ had taken on his captain's pain instead. He is sure he would have died; Zoro almost did, and he is far stronger. And Sanji is grateful that Zoro was the one, in the end, not because he wasn't fully willing to die, oh no; he meant every word he said to Kuma. But Sanji is grateful that Zoro was the one, because if Sanji had died, then Luffy would have known the awful truth. Then Luffy would be the one with the guilty eyes.

Sometimes, Sanji catches Zoro staring at Luffy and he knows that the swordsman has a new resolve. He can see it in his eyes, that Zoro's training has intensified for the purpose of keeping the younger boy safe. That Zoro will do whatever it takes to keep him from further harm. No, he can never stop Luffy from fighting, will never attempt it. But he will take care of as many obstacles as he can himself, and in that way at least lessen the pain.

When Sanji catches Zoro staring at Luffy, he knows that the swordsman would gladly do it all over again, a thousand times over. Zoro _will_ see Luffy become pirate king, and no one will stand in the way of that, not over Zoro's dead body.

But he still feels guilty, and it is _that_ that Sanji wants to see vanish. Zoro can't fully protect Luffy, but he's willing to die for him, and that's all that matters in Sanji's opinion.

Sometimes, Sanji catches Zoro staring at Luffy, and he knows it's just because Zoro is glad he's still alive.

* * *

Sometimes, Zoro will catch Sanji staring at him.

The cook tries to be sly about it, of course, but he can't always hide it.

It's a sympathetic stare, with healthy doses of worry. But it is also searching, and that is perhaps the worst thing about it.

In that stare, Zoro can find a question that he doesn't know how to answer.

The question isn't "Why?" Sanji knows just as well as Zoro _why_, as he himself was willing to die that day. Zoro knows that Sanji felt the same responsibility, the same loyalty, the same _guilt_ that he himself felt. No, they knew very well why they would sacrifice their lives for that of Luffy.

There is another "Why?" it could possibly be, though. Why did Zoro stop Sanji from sacrificing himself? Surely he was more important, or so that's what that stare says. A cook can be replaced, the world's future greatest swordsman cannot.

Zoro thinks that Sanji is an idiot for believing so. No one on this crew can simply be replaced, not the navigator or the sniper, not even the cook, and he should know that. The stare doesn't say so, though.

Sometimes, Zoro catches Sanji staring at him and then he knows full well what the question truly is: "How much?"

How much pain was there?

Sanji doesn't dare ask aloud, of course. It is something that they both know can never be discussed, because if the rest of the crew were to learn of it, it would tear them apart, especially Luffy. But that doesn't stop the question from hanging like a wraith, unanswered, in his eyes.

Sometimes, when Zoro catches Sanji's stare, he wishes the cook _would_ ask him out loud. But that thought scares him as well, because he wouldn't know how to answer. He doesn't believe there is a word known to humans that can describe that kind of agony.

And then, there is that accursed sympathy. It is always there, along with the question. Sanji is worried, worried about _him_, which is the dumbest part of all. Doesn't Sanji see that he is the last one to worry about, that he should worry about the others and Luffy?

But with the sympathy comes reassurance, strangely enough. It's there along with the unasked question, that if Zoro ever falls short in his mission or ever needs extra support, Sanji will be there, for their captain if for nothing else.

Sometimes, Zoro catches Sanji staring at him, and knows it's just because Sanji is glad he's still alive.

* * *

Sometimes, Sanji will catch Zoro staring at him.

The swordsman is pretty good about keeping it hidden, but Sanji will notice sometimes anyway.

The stare is appraising and reassuring, and Sanji can never be completely sure why. It's almost as though Zoro respects him for offering up his life in place of Luffy's.

Sanji doesn't understand that; it wasn't anything special, and he certainly wouldn't have lived like Zoro did. If anyone should be respectful, it should be Sanji respecting Zoro, and he does plenty of that, for all the name calling.

They were both willing to die, but Zoro beat him to the punch. _He_ did the real sacrificing and Sanji slept. Zoro is the hero here, never to be exulted, but it's not like he gives a shit about that anyway.

And yet, when Sanji catches Zoro staring at him, he can see reassurance there, that he, too, did the right thing, and just because he didn't get to feel Kuma's attack does not make him any less loyal to Luffy.

Sanji still feels guilty, though, that either of them had to go through that. Whether he would have died or not, he still often wishes it had been him, so that the guilt would leave Zoro and he wouldn't have to worry with it anymore.

But Zoro seems to believe the same as Sanji does, that if Sanji was prepared to die for Luffy, then that's all that mattered. And Sanji doesn't think he's an idiot for that.

Sometimes, Sanji catches Zoro staring at him, and he knows it's just because Zoro is glad he's still alive.

* * *

Sometimes, Zoro catches Sanji staring at Luffy.

It's a sad stare, full of guilt and remorse. But it is also a proud stare, a grateful stare, a stare full of admiration and love.

Sanji may not have felt that pain, but he saw the aftereffects of it. He knows what Luffy had to have gone through for his nakama, not just against Moria but against all the others who have tried to destroy them in the past.

He is so grateful to Luffy for everything he's done for them, but he's also guilty. Zoro understands, that if they were just stronger, then they could help Luffy more, could keep him safe. Luffy can take care of himself, perhaps, but he tends to do needless things for their sake.

Sometimes, when Zoro catches Sanji staring at Luffy, he can see the loyalty Sanji has to his captain there. The cook would gladly go to hell thousands of times for his sake, would gladly lay down his life at any moment it was necessary. He had proved that before; they both had.

Zoro doesn't think he's an idiot for that.

Sometimes, Zoro catches Sanji staring at Luffy, and he knows it's just because Sanji is glad he's still alive.

* * *

Sometimes, Luffy catches Zoro and Sanji staring at him.

Their stares are full of guilt and he can never figure out why. But it doesn't matter much; what does matter is that it's there at all, and Luffy won't stand for it.

So he smiles his biggest, brightest smiles at them, a smile that tells them everything will be alright in the end, there's no need to worry. As long as they're together, they can never be beaten.

He doesn't understand why they look so shocked for that split second, but then it goes away, and the guilt is replaced with joy and excitement. Zoro folds his arms and smirks while Sanji grins around his cigarette, almost matching Luffy for broadness. Their eyes tell him that they're ready to follow him to the next adventure, to the ends of the earth if he wants.

Sometimes, Luffy catches Zoro and Sanji staring at him, and he knows it's just because they're glad to be on this grand journey together, come what may.

**The End**

* * *

A/N: Oh, the sap!!! It could almost be ZoLuSa, it's so sappy… I didn't really mean for that to happen…

Mmm, not sure how satisfied I am with this, but perhaps I'll attack it at a later date.

**Reader Review Corner for ****Episode 332 Fangirl Cut****!!**

(It's so weird; I wrote that right after watching episode 332, and now I'm on episode 384; we all know what I've been doing instead of updating!)

Three-days-late: Oh, definitely! If they had, they probably could have melted the ice.

IzumiTheMoogle: Thanks! I love that about him, it's so funny! Oh, I know, right? Crazy! Aw, shucks. Thanks!

Krentenbol: Aww, thanks! ^^ Oh, I think that's been my favorite so far. Ah yes, attack of the kitties!!! I know! It would've solved all their problems!

Samba: Good, I'm here to help! Well, entertain, actually. He's easy to abuse. It was filler, so it's no big deal that you missed it. No, I haven't! And I'm doing a pretty good job of staying spoiler free.

Eli t. rick: Yeah, it was anime only filler. Oh, good. Thanks! I saw that! It was hilarious!

This is Dandy Wonderous, wanting to give Zoro a hug and signing off!


	16. Frostbite

Title: Frostbite

Rating: T

Characters: Sanji and Nami

Pairings: SaNa

Spoilers: Episode 332 sort of, Ice Hunters filler arc

Timeframe: Episode 332

Notes: This is another rewrite of the same part of episode 332, except this one is Sanji-centric and more serious. I got the idea to do a frostbite thing partially because they were cold and it would be fun and also because, in the book I'm reading for English, a kid's ears fall off due to frostbite, which put the idea in my head (after writing this note, ironically, I read about a second kid whose fingers are damaged from frostbite). This is slightly AU, because the crew is separated into different ice holes instead of together in one, and also because Sanji is still wet rather than miraculously dry.

By the way, I did some research regarding frostbite. One of the ironic things is that you shouldn't smoke while treating frostbite or before going in extreme cold. So Sanji may have an extra problem…

I actually wrote half of this on the day I wrote the episode 332 rewrite, but I'm just now getting around to finishing it. Sorry.

Summary: Sanji couldn't feel his hands anymore, and that wasn't a good sign.

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Frostbite

By Dandy Wonderous

Nami sighed and slumped down against the icy wall, watching the top of the strange prison close over her. "I hope Robin has some sort of plan…"

"D-d-don't worry, N-nami-san," Sanji stuttered, shivering. "I-I'm sure she d-does, we just h-have to t-trust her."

"Yeah, you're right…" Nami trailed off and got a good look at her nakama for the first time since she had untied him after being unceremoniously dumped inside. "Sanji-kun, why are you wet?"

"Huh? Oh…" He grinned sheepishly. "The sh-sh-shitty guy that c-captured us b-broke the ice we were st-standing on, and we f-fell into the w-w-water."

"Oh." She knew it was bad for him to be wearing wet clothes in this giant freezer the bounty hunters had locked them in, but there wasn't much they could do about it. "Will you be okay?"

"W-with a l-lovely angel l-like you by m-my side, h-how could I n-not be?"

She offered to share body heat (something she regretted, sure that he would see it as something else), but, to her surprise, he turned her down, saying he didn't want her to get wet, too.

They sank into silence, shivering and waiting for something to happen. Nami was freezing, but she couldn't help but worry more about Sanji.

Sanji, meanwhile, was starting to get worried about his hands. They were getting this weird tingling sensation…

Deciding that his wet gloves weren't helping he took them off. He couldn't tell if that helped, because he couldn't feel his hands so well anymore. The only thing he could feel was the strange tingling that was steadily turning to a burning sensation. And they were red, so red…

Beginning to panic he started trying to find somewhere warm to hold them, but as all his clothes were wet that proved impossible. He stuffed them in his pockets, held him under his armpits, stuck them up inside his jacket, but nothing helped.

The angry red was fading to a purple, like his hands were bruised. The burning had stopped, and now they were just numb, dead, and that was far worse.

Sanji was now fully panicked. Choking back a pained cry he started rubbing them together to get some amount of warmth back into them.

Big mistake.

This time Sanji couldn't silence himself as, to his horror, the skin on his hands cracked, rubbed raw.

Nami heard his croaking gasp of pain from where she was examining the walls of the prison, looking for some way to climb out. She whirled around to see him hugging his frozen hands to himself, pure terror like she had never before seen on his face.

"Sanji-kun!" She ran over and grabbed his wrists, eyes wide. "Sanji-kun, let me see!"

He actually fought back, trying to pull them away from her. He was trying to say something but it just came out in a garbled croak. She held his wrists tighter while he tugged against her, after a moment beginning to thrash in panic. She released his wrist with one hand and slapped his face, making him freeze and stare at her with one wild eye.

"Let me see them, Sanji-kun," she said softly, this time laying her hand on his shoulder comfortingly.

He continued to stare blankly at her for a moment, then slowly he held his hands out.

She took one look at the purple appendages and started unzipping her coat. She might not be a doctor, but as a navigator she knew frostbite when she saw it.

"Sanji-kun," she said slowly, authoritatively. "We're going to have to get them warm, okay? They'll be okay if we just get them warm."

He nodded numbly, allowing her to take his hands and pull them up under her coat, putting them at the warmest part of her body: under her armpits. They stayed in this sort of awkward hug for a moment, Sanji still as death, and then he gasped and bit his lip, leaning his still damp head against her shoulder. She listened to his heavy breathing for a moment before, careful to keep her arms pressed down against his hands, stretching out her own hands and putting them against his sides. She could now feel how violently he was shuddering.

A sharp intake of breath and he went completely stiff for a second. Then the air hissed out of clenched teeth and the shivering resumed. She could feel something wet roll down his face and drip on her shoulder.

"I know it hurts," she whispered gently in his ear, "but you're going to be fine." Of course he would; she had to believe that.

He really was soaked to the bone, and that was starting to scare her. The last thing they needed now was for him to go into hypothermic shock. Still being careful of his hands, she reached up and patted his shoulder lightly. "Sanji-kun, I'm going to try to get you warmer, okay?"

He was still trying not to sob out loud (_Stupid manly ego,_ she thought) and just nodded. She pulled her arms away from him for a second and grabbed the zipper to his coat. Then, with one swift pull, she yanked it down and pulled the coat off.

His head shot up to stare at her in shock, tears of pain and anxiety still trailing down his face. "N-nami-san?" he choked out.

She brushed a tear away. "I'm sorry, Sanji-kun, but you're going to have to move your hands so I can get your jacket and shirt off."

"But Nami-san-"

"No buts! This is a once in a lifetime offer, so you better appreciate it!" She shoved his hands out of her jacket (doing her best to ignore his wince as they met the cold air) and had his coat off and his shirt unbuttoned before he could raise anymore protest. Gingerly she took this off as well and then replaced his hands, this time further behind her so she could pull him all the way to her. Somehow she managed to get his lanky frame pressed enough against her that she could zip the front of the coat about halfway behind his back, and then they sat there in some strange and shivering imitation of a lovers' embrace.

It was a long time before Sanji spoke again, but when he did his voice was reassuringly steadier. "Thank you, Nami-s-san."

"Well, it's not like I could let you freeze," she said, giving the zipper an experimental tug to see if it would go any higher. It pulled a few inches and she smiled, ignoring how much she was stretching out the jacket and how it was probably ruined.

He was still shuddering, and with a slight moan he leaned down against her shoulder again. Like before, tears dripped down onto her shirt sleeve.

"Does it still hurt?" she asked, and got a nod in response. "That's supposed to happen when they thaw."

He hesitated. "Will they… will th-they be… okay?"

"Of course," she said forcefully. "They just have to warm back up. Trust me."

He started to look up at her but decided against it and left his head on her shoulder. "I t-trust you with my l-life, Nami-swan!"

"Mmm," was all she said to that.

How long they stayed like that before speaking again, Nami wasn't sure. Slowly, his violent shivering subsided to excessive, and then faded until he was shaking only as much as she was. His head was still on her shoulder, but he had stopped crying.

"Still hurt?" she finally asked.

He looked up sheepishly and nodded. "Yeah. But it's not as bad now."

"Let me see."

He pulled his hands from around her and held them up obediently. They were an angry red, but that was far better than the purple they had been before.

"There, see? They're gonna be fine, just like I said!"

"Of course, Nami-san! I never doubted your judg-oh, that's cold." He stuffed his hands back down inside her coat.

It was about that moment that he realized he was really sharing a coat with Nami. And had been hugging her for about a half an hour.

Taking great pains not to break into a nosebleed, he looked around for his coat and saw it laying to the side where Nami had tossed it. He nodded at it, trying not to sound too reluctant when he said, "Would you like me to put my own coat on now, Nami-san?"

Nami had been having a realization of her own, about how it was oddly comfortable with Sanji holding her. So when he asked this, she promptly and without thinking replied, "No."

Their eyes widened simultaneously. Had she really just said that?

"I-I mean, it's more warm this way… You know, it's what you're supposed to do… Share body heat… What!?!"

He had gotten this goofy grin on his face that he was now trying to hide. "Nami-swan, are you sure you don't want to just-"

"Don't even _think_ of finishing that sentence!" she hissed darkly. "I am _not _interested in cuddling with you! I was just helping you, because we have to get that flag before Luffy finds out. And if you couldn't cook, I'd be in just as much trouble, anyway."

Uh-oh, she was babbling. That was never a good sign.

"I mean, look at my coat! It was expensive, you know, and now it's all stretched out! And you better believe you're going to be paying me back for it…"

He was still smiling, slyly pulling her closer to him inside the coat. "If we get closer together it won't stretch as much," he teased.

She glared at him. "Get that stupid smile off your face."

And when he didn't obey, she forced it off with a kiss.

**The End**

* * *

A/N: There we go. The ending fell somewhat flat, but anyway… Well, it was more for Sanji torture than SaNa, anyway. O_o

**Reader Review Corner for ****Sometimes (Guilty Stares)****!!**

Three-days-late: Aw, good! I was a little worried about it…

IzumiTheMoogle: Thanks! No kidding; they were AMAZING!!! Yay for originality! Heehee. Oh, good. Well, this is it (it was supposed to be first, but I failed).

Abra Cadaverous: Thanks! That's okay, the way I wrote it is kind of hard to understand unless you've already seen/read that part.

Silverchild of the winds: Really? Poetic? Yay! Thanks!

Silver Child of the Sea: Really? In depth? Wow! Thanks!!! Um… brilliant, maybe?

Neogene: Thanks!!! Another poetic!?! Omg! Yes, they really were; definitely first or really high up there on the "most epic _One Piece_ moments" list.

Nemesis-girl: Good! That's a happy feeling! ^^

Mad that someone ate all her vanilla Nestle drumsticks (go for the chocolate instead, the chocolate!!!), this is Dandy Wonderous, signing off.


	17. Just a Step

Title: Just a Step

Rating: K

Characters: Luffy, Koby

Pairings: None

Spoilers: None

Timeframe: After Luffy finds One Piece (it WILL happen!!!)

Notes: Inspired by Luffy's answer to Rayleigh's question as to _why_ he wanted to be Pirate King.

Summary: Luffy is Pirate King, and Koby wants to know what he plans to do now.

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Just a Step

By Dandy Wonderous

"_I don't want to conquer anything. I just think that the guy with the most freedom in this whole ocean is the Pirate King." -Monkey D. Luffy_

Once again, the marines had lost.

The battleship pulled up alongside the _Thousand Sunny_, flagship (and only ship) of the Pirate King. Two figures leapt the gap between the two ships to land on the _Sunny's_ deck. The second and third most wanted men in all the world.

Their captain lingered at the railing when he heard a familiar shout. "Oi, Luffy!"

Vice-Admiral Koby had followed him over from where they had fought their latest battle, jumping through and around the masts and rigging this time. The boy who had become his friend so long ago was now the Garp to Luffy's Roger.

"Yeah? What's up?"

The younger marines were shocked at this exchange. One of the marines' most powerful Vice-Admirals, making small talk with the Pirate King? The older shipmates laughed and assured them that they'd get used to it.

Koby folded his arms and looked at him searchingly. "I was just wondering, now that you're officially Pirate King and all, what are you going to do now?"

Luffy tilted his head in confusion. "Huh? What'd'ya mean?"

"Well, are you going to retire? Or are you going to keep ruling the seas?"

Luffy laughed at that. "Ruling the seas? I don't rule anybody!"

"Then I don't understand; what exactly do you plan to _do_!?!"

Luffy grinned, just the same as he had three years ago in that ship's hold by the wine barrel that had carried him through a whirlpool. "Keep adventuring, of course! Nami says that we only took one of lots of paths through the Grand Line, and she wants to see them all for her map. Zoro defeated Mihawk, but others will be challenging his superiority, so he has to keep up his skills. Usopp's a brave warrior of the sea, so why should he stop now? Technically, the _Sunny_ has only sailed half the world. Brooke and Laboon want to adventure together," he indicated the whale that now trailed their ship. "Chopper still can't cure _everything_, and Sanji and Robin found what they were looking for, but they have new goals now." His eyes seemed to roll back in his head to make sure there was no one he missed, then he nodded in satisfaction. "So we keep going."

"But Luffy," Koby protested, "wasn't becoming Pirate King your dream?"

"Shishishishishi! It was my goal, but it wasn't my real dream."

Koby was shell-shocked. "WHAT!?!"

"It was just a step," Luffy explained. "A step toward my true dream."

"And what is that?"

Luffy gave him the biggest smile he possibly could. "Freedom."

Then he had bungeed back to his ship without another word, and as the pirates sailed off, waving, into the distance, Koby and his crew stood at the rail and saluted.

"Men," Koby said seriously, "what we are doing is completely against regulation. No supper for three days."

"Yes sir!"

**The End**

* * *

A/N: He had this conversation with several people in my head, but Koby made the most sense, since I knew I didn't want him to have it with one of the crew.

**Reader Review Corner for Frostbite!!**

Daschel: Thanks! Yes, it is FTW. ^^ Yeah, that was the idea (I'm a horrible person, XD). Thanks again!

Blue Haven: True… But I _hope_ I didn't kill him… Thanks!

IzumiTheMoogle: Thanks! Yeah, I think she would, too. He did, didn't he? *pats Sanji's head and gives him a cookie* Sadly, yes. And like most fangirls, I torture my favorite… Meh… -_-

Three-days-late: Oh, ouch. I bet that sucked. Thanks! It would be cute. ^^

MapleLeaves: Thanks! Yeah, I love SaNa, too. Yep, she was. XD Of course, hug him all you want; he enjoys it. I know! We fanfic people are crazy!!!

Eli t. rick: Thanks! Yeah, it does… T_T

Abra Cadaverous: Thanks! Yep, that's what I'm here for; ruining people's teeth and furthering dentists' careers. ^^


	18. The Marines Strike Back

Title: The Marines Strike Back

Rating: T

Characters: Luffy, Sengoku, Dragon, Zoro, Sanji, Franky, Chopper, Ace, Gol D. Roger

Pairings: SanjixDandy (XP)

Spoilers: Luffy's family, Impel Down and onward, especially 550

Timeframe: Invading Marineford

Notes: This idea came to me while I was watering flowers and thought to myself, "Ya know? Haki is a lot like the force." And then… this happened. CRACK!!!!! Serious crack!!!!! Purely insane. I don't own _Star Wars_ any more than I own _One Piece_. And I know Luffy isn't actually at Marineford yet; it's slightly AU, I suppose. But it's crack, so no one cares.

Summary: Use the dang Haki, Luffy!!!

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The Marines Strike Back

By Dandy Wonderous

"ACE!!! I'M COMING TO SAVE YOOOUUU!!!"

Such was the battle cry of Monkey D. Luffy as he came tearing and screaming into Marineford.

_Damn,_ thought Sengoku. _Is there any government establishment this kid _isn't_ going to destroy? At least he hasn't reached the IRS yet._

"AND THEN I'M GOING TO DESTROY THE IRS!!!"

…_Double damn._

"I wouldn't mind destroying the IRS myself," random marine 1 commented.

Sengoku kicked him off the execution platform and watched in annoyance as Luffy disembarked his ship by springing off it and ran out into the crowd to do some carnage. About a hundred marines appeared to block his path.

"I don't have time to deal with you!" he yelled at them angrily, contemplating how to get rid of them all at once.

"Use the Haki, Luffy."

He stopped dead in his tracks and looked around in confusion. "Huh? Who said that?"

A man in a black shroud appeared in front of him. "Use the Haki, Luffy," he repeated.

Luffy stared at him. "Who are you?"

The man gripped the edges of his hood. "Luffy… I am…" He ripped the hood off dramatically. "Your father!"

"Oh no! You're not going to cut my hand off, are you?"

Dragon stared at the son he had never met in astonishment. "Huh? What're you… Hey, Luffy!"

Luffy was still running around in circles, gripping his wrist and screaming, "NOOO!!! Don't cut off my hand, I NEEED it!!! If you cut it off… Franky'll build me a cool new cyber one… Maybe with a beam!!!" Suddenly he stopped and turned to Dragon with all seriousness, holding his wrist out. "Okay, I'm ready."

Dragon sweatdropped. "Ready for what?"

"To lose my hand and get a super cool new one!"

"…Just use the Haki, Luffy." And then he was gone.

"Aww! But you didn't do anything you were supposed to!"

"It doesn't matter," said a voice, and suddenly a girl with short blond hair wearing shorts and a "Sanji Appreciation Club" t-shirt that had a shirtless picture of Sanji on the front appeared. "As Darth Vadar's spoof, he shouldn't be telling you to use the force anyway. NOTHING IN THIS FIC IS CORRECT!!!" And then she fell into an emo corner.

Luffy walked under the cloud and blinked at her. "Who are you?"

"I'm Dandy, the-sniff-author of this-sob-fic."

"Well, if you're the author, then why don't you change it?"

She stopped sniveling. "Eh?"

"Yeah! Just change it!"

"But who will I ever get to be Obi Wan? …Oh, of course!" She smacked her palm with her fist. "ZOOOROOO!!!"

WHUMP!!! The green-haired swordsman landed before them, looking confused.

"Oi! Where'd that horo girl go? Eh…" He looked around slowly at the chaos and confusion around him before his eyes settled on Luffy and Dandy. "Wha-LUFFY!?! And who are you?" He made a face. "And why are you wearing that freak eyebrow guy on your shirt?"

"Don't push it, marimo," she snapped. "I own you for the duration of this fanfiction."

A man wearing all black appeared from nowhere, poking Dandy's shoulder.

"Eh? Tom? Whaddya want?"

Tom, Dandy's muse, scowled at her. "We can't say we own them, idiot! Do you _want_ to get sued?"

"Oh, fine. But I'm still in control here!" He disappeared, and she turned back to Zoro. "Either way, you're Obi Wan. Congratulations."

"What? But I don't want to be that old man."

"Hmm… who else can I drag into this thing?"

"ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING!?! Luffy, help me out here!"

"I don't get a cool cyborg hand…"

"YOU'RE NOT LISTENING, EITHER!!!"

"Yosh!" cried Dandy suddenly. "What good is a random Star Wars slash One Piece fanfic without someone playing Han Solo? And I know just the guy…"

"What… Oh no, please don't tell me…"

Sanji suddenly landed before them, still wearing his ugly woman's clothing.

Luffy and Zoro deadpanned while Sanji's face may have paled or reddened in embarrassment; it's hard to say with all the make-up.

Then they fell down laughing.

"Hmm… This will never do," said Dandy, surveying the scene. She snapped her fingers, and Sanji was in clothing appropriate for the hunk of man meat that he is.

"Ah! Dandy-chwan! Thank you so much for saving me!!!" Sanji twirled over extravagantly to Dandy and engulfed her in a hug, mellorines in full swing.

"Sanji… is… hugging me…" Dandy fainted in happiness.

"WAIT!!!" screamed Luffy suddenly, gaining everyone's attention again. "If I'm Luke, and Zoro's Obi Wan, and Sanji's Han Solo, then who's princess Leia?"

Dandy snapped out of her swoon. "Well, I suppose Nami could be…" She trailed off, suddenly getting a vacant look in her eye.

"What's with that?" asked Zoro, raising an eyebrow.

"But Leia and Han… They get… They are…" She blinked slowly a few times, then threw her arms in the air. "Yosh! _I_ will sacrifice my time and energy and be Leia!"

"You'll make a beautiful Leia, Dandy-chan!"

"Hold up. You're really okay with this, ero-cook?"

"Why wouldn't I be, shithead?"

"Think about it. This is the girl who smashed your hands AND gave them frostbite, who made you insecure about your cooking, who tortured you with bugs, splinters, and cats, who made fun of your singing and made you lose in a singing contest to LUFFY, who made people make fun of you to turn you into a space heater, who made you claustrophobic and have to lean on _me_ for comfort, and who put me in your mind, for Enel's sake!"

They both turned slowly to Dandy, their eyes asking her to explain herself.

She shrugged. "But I did it out of _love_."

"Good enough for me," said Sanji with a smile, and Zoro smacked his forehead.

"So who's C-3PO and R2-D2?" asked Luffy.

"Uh… Franky and Chopper?"

The two landed at their feet, and she nodded in satisfaction. "And now all we need is a tricked out, space traveling _Sunny_!"

A sleek, chrome version of the _Thousand Sunny_ appeared before them and they all hopped on board.

Ace looked up from the execution platform. "Where are they going, exactly?"

"As long as they leave the IRS in one piece, I don't care," said Sengoku sourly.

A laser beam smashed the IRS office.

"…Triple damn."

The flying _Sunny_ flew off toward the moon that was not a moon at all but a giant space station in the shape of Ivankov's head.

"Well, that's not freaky at all," said Zoro.

"Cool!!!" cried Chopper and Luffy together. They docked at the space station and the two ran off, Franky in tow.

"It is really a good idea to let them loose in here?" asked Zoro.

Sanji and Dandy were snuggling in a corner and ignored him. He sighed and followed the (other) idiots.

The three stooges were running amok in the space station, knocking down storm troopers left and right. They finally arrived at the control room.

A man in a scary cloak stood up and turned to them. "What are you doing here?" he demanded.

"It looked like fun," Luffy replied.

The man held out his hand and a strange force started trying to strangle our hero. He gasped.

"Use the Haki, Luffy!" screamed Zoro, running in.

"So you ARE the old guy after all!" said Chopper, eyes wide.

"WHAT!?! No I'm not!"

"Sounded like it to me," said Franky with a nod.

"He even wears a haramaki like one."

"Ugh. Fine, whatever. I'm going back to Perona." And with a huff Zoro left.

Meanwhile Luffy had taken Obi Zoro's advice and had used the Haki. He now stood over the cloaked man's crouched form.

"You can't do this," said the man with a cough. "Because… I am… your father."

"What? Another one? I didn't know I was supposed to have two!"

"Huh?" The man took off his helmet, then stared at Luffy in confusion. "Oh, sorry. I thought you were Ace."

"ACK! NOOOOOOO!!!" Dandy came running in at that point, tackling the man. "THAT'S A SPOILER!!!"

"If they didn't know that they've got their head under a rock," said the man, rolling his eyes.

"Luffy! Wrap this fic up, quick! Before we give away anything else and they find more reasons to flame me!"

"Yosh!" Luffy ran over to the controls of the space station.

Dandy sweatdropped. "Oh second thought, maybe letting Luffy in charge of a Deathstar caliber space station wasn't the best idea."

KABOOM!!!

**The End**

Thank the Lord up in Heaven

* * *

A/N: Well, you can't say I didn't give you fair warning. I was somewhat in lament of the end of "Room for Two," I think, when I thought of this… Anyway, now that my reputation as an author is ruined, on with the reader reviews!

**Reader Review Corner for Just a Step!!**

Daschel: I was pretty mad at my own imagination. XP Thanks! Of course he will! They're like Peter Pan; they'll never grow up!

Dark-and-deadly: Thanks!

Three-days-late: Thanks! I could, too, and if it really happens like this I would so be dancing around in my room screaming, "I called it, I called it!"

Avatoa: Certainly not! *ruffles Luffy's hair fondly*

Silver Child of the Sea: Thanks! I'm glad, since I've never written Koby before.

Silverchild of the wind: Good. ^^ That was my thought exactly.

Jfox99: Thanks! This was probably not what you were expecting, though… Sometimes I'm not sure what my brain is thinking. O.O

Abra Cadaverous: Me too. ^^

Dancing Nightmare: Yeah, well, I gotta step outside my comfort zone sometimes. Me too! Thanks! This isn't good work… I wrote it in thirty minutes, tops.

So yeah… Next time I'll write something decent. But I hope you enjoyed anyway! By the way, Han Solo really is my favorite _Star Wars_ character. ^^

This is not the author signing off that you are looking for…


	19. That's What Beds Are For

Title: That's What Beds Are For

Rating: T for Mature Themes (nothing explicit, though)

Characters: Sanji, Nami

Pairings: SaNa

Timeframe: Post Water 7, at least

Notes: This was originally written for the thief_cook_love community on livejournal, but I decided to post it here as apologies for not getting much else out at the moment. Believe it or not, I HAVE started on the second chapter of "Kiss Kiss", but I'm not sure when I'll post it. Until then, here's this! (though it's only good for my fellow SaNa fans)

Summary: Did I really do what I think I just did? Who would fall asleep before...

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That's What Beds Are For

By Dandy Wonderous

The gentle dawn light filtering through the porthole and landing in a stripe right across his eyes woke him, causing him to blink prolifically until he was no longer blinded. _Time to get up_, he thought mournfully. Sleep was still calling him, and she had the warm, soft blankets and the fluffy pillow and the lovely sleeping body curled up against his chest all on her side.

Whoa, back up. Soft blankets? Fluffy pillows? Other person? This did _not_ add up to him being alone in his hammock.

Sanji turned his head to his side and looked down at the soft orange hair tickling his chin and shoulder. That explained it; he was in bed with Nami.

Wait... in bed with Nami? Not like it was the first time he had woken up here in the last several months, but...

His sluggish brain worked furiously to replay the events of the night before. He couldn't remember sleeping with Nami, even though he realized almost immediately that they were both currently missing their clothing. He wasn't hung-over, either, so if anything had happened he should remember it in vivid detail. Perhaps delving a bit deeper into his memory would help.

Let's see... He'd been on watch... then he had cooked breakfast... then lunch... then some marines attacked... then supper... then...

It came back to him now. Nami, slipping up behind him while he was washing dishes, sliding her hand around the crook of his elbow and leaning in close, whispering seductively, "Robin's watch tonight," and then gliding away before he could find the voice to reply. And after the dishes were taken care of he had headed for her room. He'd been dead tired, but how could he turn down such an offer?

After that he remembered taking her into his arms for some passionate kissing. Then some disrobing. More kissing. They were still kissing when they lowered to her bed.

He couldn't remember anything past that point except a brief thought about how damn soft and inviting the bed was, and how tired _he_ was.

Sanji's eye widened in horror, his mouth popping open into a slight "oh" as he realized exactly what had happened.

He'd fallen asleep. He'd fallen asleep in Nami's bed. He'd fallen asleep in Nami's bed right as they'd been about to...

Sanji had always known that he would probably do a lot of stupid things like everyone else, but he had never expected this to be one of them.

Who did something that... that... he didn't even know what to classify this as, but words like pathetic and undesirable were among the first to leap to the forefront of his mind.

He swallowed hard and turned to look at Nami, who was still sound asleep, head resting by his shoulder. What did she think of him? She probably thought it was hilarious. Why hadn't she woken him up and kicked him out? He wouldn't have blamed her at all if she had.

And then his brain, no longer sluggish but frantic, came up with a solution to the problem: run away, hide in a dark corner, and never come out again. Ever.

That seemed logical enough, so he set about extracting himself from her side. It took quite a bit of delicate work, with a lot of held breath each time he thought the sleeping beauty next to him stirred, to finally get to the edge of the bed and slip off to his feet. His clothes were in the pile on the floor where he left them, and he set about quickly but silently pulling on his boxers and his shirt. He'd gotten one long leg into his slacks and was working on the other leg when Nami yawned and opened her eyes.

Sanji froze as she sat up in bed and looked at him, blinking. "Sanji-kun?"

"N-nami-san!" The sound of her voice shocked him out of his reverie and he jerked straight, attempting to pull his slacks the rest of the way up his hips. Unfortunately, he was standing on the cuff of one of the legs, and ended up flat on his butt, blushing wildly. _Just when I thought I couldn't look like more of an idiot..._

She laughed. "Are you okay?"

"I'm... fine." _About as fine as I would be if the Sea Train ran over me._

She stopped laughing so much when she saw his grimace. Slowly she leaned down to pick up her nightshirt from the floor. "Going to cook breakfast?" she asked through the fabric as she slid it over her head and down her shoulders.

"Yeah." _And then to curl up in a dark hole and die._

The laughter was completely gone now, and somehow her silence made it harder to look at her. Instead he studied the cabin floor, wishing that God or Eneru would strike him down now.

She regarded him with searching eyes for a few minutes before slipping out of the bed and walking lightly over to him. He wouldn't meet her eyes, so she crouched down next to him and cradled his chin in one hand, forcing him to look up at her face.

"Are you okay, Sanji-kun?" she asked again, but this time he knew she wasn't talking about his little spill.

"I..." He had been about to protest that he was just fine, because he wanted to be out of there, to mourn the death of his dignity in peace, but that was hard to do when she was obviously genuinely concerned. "No," he admitted.

"Because of last night?"

He gulped. "Nami-san, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean... I mean I..." He couldn't really think of the right thing to say. He averted his eyes to stare fixedly at a point just to the right of her shoulder.

"Sanji-kun," she said seriously in that voice of hers that meant no nonsense. He looked back at her face, expecting her to be annoyed or even angry, but instead she was smiling lightly. "Why are you worried about that? You were tired and you fell asleep."

"But we were-" he started to protest, but she silenced him with a finger to his lips.

"How long had it been since you slept?" she almost accused.

He didn't feel like doing math before dawn. "Over 24 hours... maybe 36... or 48..."

"And you fought the marines," she added.

"They weren't tough," he defended.

"If you were tired, Sanji-kun, you could have just told me."

He grimaced. "If you were me, Nami-san, would you have turned down your offer for something like sleep?"

She laughed at that. "I guess not." She drew a pattern on his red cheek with the thumb of the hand still cupping his face. "But don't worry so much about it, okay?"

"But it was so pathetic!" he protested.

"You were tired, you laid down in bed, and you fell asleep. That's what beds are for."

"Not in this context."

"Sanji-kun..." She released his chin and wrapped her arms around his neck, leaning her head against his shoulder. "It's not a big deal."

He couldn't help but wince at his own voice when he asked, "Really?"

She lifted her head back up and kissed his lips gently. "Really." Then she smiled. "And besides, I still got to sleep with you. Sure, it wasn't in the way I intended, but..." She trailed off, looking embarrassed.

"But what, Nami-san?" he asked, somewhat playfully.

"Well... just laying next to you all night was... nice," she admitted.

Now it was his turn to smile. "Oh really?"

"Don't let it go to your head," she said with a roll of her eyes.

"Of course not, Nami-swan!" The smile grew. "And I'll sleep next to you any time you want!"

She rolled her eyes again. "Remind me why I love you."

"Because you think my eyebrow is sexy," he said before closing the gap for another kiss.

They stayed that way for several more minutes until a few resounding crashes announced the waking of the crew. "Oh shit," Sanji muttered, pulling away reluctantly from Nami. "I have to cook breakfast."

She sighed and got up with him, going to her dresser to look for something to wear while he straightened his own clothes and put on his tie. After a moment he was ready to go.

"Sanji-kun," she said suddenly, stopping him with his hand on the doorknob.

"Yes, Nami-san?"

"Beds may for sleeping," she said slowly, playfully, "so why don't you meet me in the aquarium bar tonight and we try on the couch instead?"

Sanji sang "Mellorine!" all the way back to the galley.

* * *

A/N: I thought this would make Sanji really embarrassed. And you all know how I love torturing Sanji for the sake of having Nami comfort him. ^^ It could have been worse; he could have fallen asleep _during_. But I'm pretty sure Sanji would actually have to die before that happened. XP

**Reader Reviews for ****The Marines Strike Back****!!**

(I can't believe the only flames I got were about Ace being left. That's amazing!)

Things24: Thanks! Ask him. *shrug* Uh… Well, Luffy IS easily distracted…

Gabby-chwan: Thanks!!! Glad you enjoy them!

Crysania Fay: Uh… Yeah! That's what happened!!! *sweatdrop* Anyway, glad you liked it.

Meeve: Thanks! I love me some _Star Wars_. ^^

IzumiTheMoogle: I can't remember if I replied to your review for chapter 17, so, thanks! Glad you liked it! Yeah, I think so. Luffy's not really interested in the ruling the seas part of being Pirate King, he just wants to be free to do whatever he wants. No kidding! As for your second review: Thanks! Was it really that funny? O.O Hahaha, well, that's one of the perks of writing crack. XD Oooo! You should!!! ^^ Thanks! I had lots of fun writing it.

Krentenbol: I'm glad you liked it! Psh, I hate Songoku; I hope Luffy smashes his face in. XP Heehee, I am. ^^ I just love that crazy perv. XD You should!!! Harrison Ford was so yummy back in the day!

Not looking forward to working on scholarship essays this weekend, this is Dandy Wonderous, signing off.


	20. Special Day

Title: Special Day

Rating: K+ for some language

Characters: Zoro focus, everyone else as well

Pairings: None (well, maaaaybe ZoNa if you skew one of Zoro's lines and wonder why he came to that conclusion…)

Timeframe: After Thriller Bark at some point

Notes: Just a little something for Zoro's birthday. Ya know, trying to think of something for his b-day today at school reminded me that I'm going to be eighteen in six days… just sayin'… *innocent whistling* XP

Summary: Maybe, if Zoro concentrated really, REALLY hard, he could figure out what day it was on his own.

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Special Day

By Dandy Wonderous

It was well after lunch before Zoro realized that he hadn't been bothered all day.

Not once had he been awoken from his nap by an exaggerated tale or a restless captain. Not once had he been rocketed unceremoniously into the sea or had to fish anyone out. Brook hadn't bothered him once during his meditation, Franky hadn't asked him to help lift something heavy or hold a board in place. Even Sanji hadn't picked any fights, only glancing at him when he took a bottle of booze before returning to some dish that seemed to be taking all his concentration. And perhaps strangest of all, Nami had looked straight at him at breakfast and said, in all seriousness, "By the way, Zoro, I'm lowering your interest by three percent."

_Everyone's weird today,_ he mused to himself. Then again, with this crew it was hard to judge what was "weird" and what was "normal," so it didn't mean a whole lot to him.

So deciding, Zoro stretched back out in the sun and went to sleep.

* * *

"Where is he now, Robin?"

Robin's eyes fluttered open, and she dropped her arms to her sides. "He fell back asleep on the deck."

"He's making this really easy," said Nami, satisfied.

"I bet he doesn't even realize what day it is, stupid marimo," said Sanji from the stove.

"Surely he would know when his own birthday is," said Usopp, looking up from whatever he was tinkering on.

"Maybe he just doesn't know what day it is _today_," suggested Franky.

"This is boooring," complained Luffy, sitting dejectedly at the table. "Sanji, meeeat!"

"Not until the party, shithead!"

"But it smells so good!"

Those at the table ignored the fighting that was soon going on between captain and chef. "All this excitement puts butterflies in my stomach! Ah, but I don't have one. Skull joke!"

"Do you think he'll like this, Nami?" asked Chopper worriedly, showing her a piece of paper.

She smiled. "Yeah, I'm sure he'll love it."

"Wait 'til he sees our present! It's SUPA!" boasted Franky, giving Usopp a high-five.

"Knowing that lughead, you'd be just as well off giving him a bottle of booze," said Sanji from where he was cooking, balanced on one leg and with his other foot in Luffy's stomach.

"Naa, Sanji, isn't that why you got that bottle of expensive beer back at the last-"

Luffy went ricocheting into the wall, and Sanji gave every male a look that said "Do. Not. Say. Anything."

"Is he still asleep, Robin?"

"Yes, Navigator-san."

Nami stood up, gathering some bags sitting around her chair. "Then let's go decorate. When will dinner be ready, Sanji-kun?"

"In thirty minutes, Nami-swaaan!"

"Great. I hope he doesn't wake up before then."

Robin chuckled as she followed the younger woman out to the deck. "Well, it _is_ Swordsman-san."

"Yohohoho! This calls for some working music!"

Everyone hurried to finish their preparations while "Bink's Sake" drifted through the galley.

Zoro sighed in his sleep and went back to snoring.

* * *

"Zooorooo! Wake up so we can eat already!"

Zoro grabbed the wrist of the hand that was persistently prodding his head and cracked one annoyed eye open. "Luffy, get the hell off of me."

His captain pouted. "But Zoro, I'm hungry, and we can't eat without you!"

The other eye opened. Luffy bounced around him impatiently, and finally Zoro gave a resigned sigh and got to his feet. "Okay, okay, I'm coming."

"Yosh! Sanji, meat!"

Zoro watched his excitable captain run off underneath the streams of lights to the table that was set up in the middle of the _Sunny's_ lawn. Nami and Robin effectively restrained him while Sanji wheeled out a large trolley loaded with piles of steaming sea king meat, roasted potatoes, steamed vegetables, and freshly baked bread. "Zoro goes first," Nami scolded the rubber man.

"Oh, right." Luffy nodded sagely and, to Zoro's shock, waited relatively patiently.

"Let him go ahead, Nami," said Zoro in confusion.

"Yohohoho! But it wouldn't be right for him to first today, Zoro-san."

"Eh?"

"Oh, come on," said Sanji, rolling his eyes. "Think, shitty swordsman; what day is it today?"

Zoro raised an eyebrow, perplexed. "The summer equinox? How the hell am I supposed to know!?!"

"In November?" whispered Chopper to Usopp. The sniper just shook his head.

"Okay, marimo," said Sanji slowly, while the rest of the crew looked on, amused. "I know this is straining your moss covered brain, but think carefully. What is the date?"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…Oh, shit, it isn't Nami's birthday, is it?"

Sanji threw up his hands in exasperation. "You're hopeless! Someone else deal with him."

Robin hid a laugh behind her hand. "It's November eleventh, Swordsman-san."

For a second Zoro just blinked in perplexity, and then it dawned on him. "Oh! It's my birthday."

Everyone sans Robin and Luffy face faulted.

Zoro looked around with newfound… ah, appreciation. "So is that what all this shit is for?"

"Shithead! Nami-san and Robin-chan worked very hard on these decorations!"

Franky grabbed Sanji before he could launch himself at Zoro. "Easy, Cook-bro. it's his birthday, remember?"

Sanji sulked off with a cigarette, muttering curses.

Zoro was distracted from gloating at the defeated blonde by a tug at his pant leg. "Zoro? I made this for you."

He looked down at the eager face of Chopper, who held up a piece of paper in offering. It was a childish drawing of him, but the reindeer had worked hard on it. Zoro smiled. "Thanks, Chopper. This is really good."

The doctor wiggled and danced. "Asshole! That doesn't make me happy at all, idiot!"

"And now, presenting the Uso-Franky SUPA Zoro Birthday Present, the Training Dummy Mach Five!" announced Franky, while Usopp dramatically pulled the sheet off of a shining dummy made of metal.

Zoro creased his forehead. "Uh… huh?"

"It's for sparing practice," Usopp explained. "It moves around, blocks your attacks, shoots fireballs," he trailed off, ending in a whisper.

Everyone, this time including Luffy and Robin, sweat dropped.

Zoro didn't think it looked like it would hold two seconds against his katana, but he accepted it with a smile anyway.

"Meeaaat!!!" cried Luffy impatiently again, and the swordsman nodded.

"Alright, then, let's eat."

As Zoro went to grab a plate, Sanji thrust a bottle toward him, avoiding eye contact. "Here, shitty marimo. Happy shitty birthday."

Zoro took the bottle and examined the label. Booze was booze to him, but it was obvious the cook had gone out of his way to get the good stuff. He smirked. "Thanks, dartboard."

Sanji mumbled something incoherent and stalked off again.

Once everyone was seated around the table, Luffy raised his mug high.

"Happy birthday, Zoro! Kampai!"

"Kampai!!!"

**The End**

**Happy Birthday, Zoro!**

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A/N: Zoro is NOT stupid; he just doesn't care about the date. But seriously, why would anyone living the way the Straw Hats do?

**Reader Review Corner for "That's What Beds Are For"!!**

Three-days-late: Thanks! I love when he's embarrassed; so cute! *huggles* *is an awful, horrible person* He does indeed. It must be! Because it IS!!! *hypnotized by the swirly* Mmm-hmm… *drool*

Crysania Fey: Aw, thanks! I love comments like that. ^^ Nami is a thinker. XP

SmileyDJingles: Thanks! Success! I sent them off yesterday, actually. Woot!

Abra Cadaverous: Thank ya, dear! ^^ He is, isn't he? *huggles some more* And yet you can still manage words like "articulate"? I am impressed! On that little sleep I can't even say "girl." True story. XP

Pajama_pants5: (for chapter 10) Aw, thanks! Glad you enjoyed it! ^^

Glad that her laptop narrowly escaped death yet again, this is Dandy Wonderous, signing off.


	21. At the Bottom of the Sea

Title: At the Bottom of the Sea

Rating: K

Characters: The whole crew

Pairings: You'll see…

Timeframe: One thousand years after the crew's death

Notes: This was written for the 30_onepiece mini-challenge, for the theme Millennium. I probably won't finish the mini-challenge (since it ends at midnight on November 30th), but I've been wanting to write something like this and it was a good excuse to.

Summary: One thousand years after the death of the Second Pirate King, the _Thousand Sunny_ goes to its final resting place.

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At the Bottom of the Sea

By Dandy Wonderous

The old, creaking hull slowly plowed through the waves. It was nearly a thousand years old, now, yet somehow still afloat. The paint was washed away, the sails were tattered, there were numerous holes in the deck and hull, and, as fate would have it, there was a serious fracture in the keel. It was a miracle the ship was even sailable, yet there it went, crewless, it's figurehead still proud even though it was missing most of its mane.

Most sailors claimed that the ship continued to sail because it was on a mission of some sort. Once it got to the end of its journey, legend said, the ship would finally go to its final rest, to be with its nakama at the bottom of the sea.

The ship had floated, navigation-less, across all the blues and through the Grand Line, surviving through storms as though it really did have a crew to guide it. It was an amazing ship, and those blessed to look upon it were said to have heard the happy kanpai-ing of the Second Pirate King and have had good luck for their future journeys.

But today, as the sun sank down below the horizon, the ship seemed to stop over a certain spot in the ocean. It bobbed for a moment, refusing to go with the wind, and then, with a great sigh, the _Thousand Sunny_ collapsed all at once, as though nothing but sheer will had been holding it together all this time. Within minutes, the pieces had sunk to the bottom of the sea.

* * *

"Sunny… Sunny… Sunny!"

"Mmm, hrrg, wha?" The klabautermann sat up slowly and peered around itself into the gloom. The seabed was dark, and it could only vaguely see into its surroundings.

Suddenly, there was a flash, and then a second klabautermann was standing before him, looking slightly huffy. "There you are, Sunny!" it greeted. "You took _forever_."

Sunny rubbed its head and glared up at the other spirit. "Well, excuse me, Merry. Trying to get to a specific point without a crew is just a little difficult."

"Yes, but a thousand years? I thought you were supposed to be the greatest ship ever built!" Merry teased.

Sunny forced itself to its feet. "I am, you better remember tha-URF!"

It was immediately knocked on its back again by an enthusiastic Merry, who flung itself on top of Sunny. The smaller klabautermann nuzzled its face into Sunny's neck. "Oh, Sunny, I'm so glad you're here! We've all been waiting for you."

Sunny froze in surprise, then hesitantly wrapped its small arms around Merry in return. "We?" it repeated, unwillingly enjoying the smaller ship spirit clinging to its waist.

Merry nodded enthusiastically, knocking into Sunny's chin a few times. "The whole crew. They refused to go on until you joined us."

Sunny's eyes lit up a bit. "Da-er, Franky?" it asked, blushing silver when it made the slip.

"Uh-huh. And Usopp," it said this name adoringly, "and Luffy, and _everybody_!"

"Brooke?"

"He watched over the crew's descendents until they got to be too numerous, and then he returned here and sank into the ocean."

Sunny cringed at the cheerful way Merry delivered this information. "That's sad, isn't it?"

"Not really. He had lots of friends waiting for him. The crew, and his crew from before, and his friends from before that, even!" Merry snuggled closer. "And lots of others have been through here, too. Zeff-san and Iceburg-san and Nojiko-chan and Kuleha-san, and there were a lot waiting here, too, like Kuina-chan and Bellemere-san and Hiruluk-san and Banchina-san. They kept me company while I was waiting on the crew."

Sunny looked around, but the ocean floor was empty other than the two of them and the remains of its physical form. "But where are they?" it asked, a bit disappointed that there wasn't a large crowd waiting for it.

Merry smiled sheepishly, blushing lightly. "Because I wanted to see you first."

Sunny blushed as well, looking away. "Oh. Well then…"

Merry hugged it tightly one more time, and then turned just as a large portal of light grew in the gloom of the water. "Well, there it is," it said, nodding to it. "The afterlife."

"Oi! Merry! Sunny!"

There was a bound and Luffy was suddenly in front of them, not old and scarred like Sunny had last seen him, but seventeen again, just as full of life and energy as always. He smiled big when he saw the little klabautermann. "You're here! Now we all are! Yosha!"

"Sunny-bro!" Franky was the next there, grinning metal ear to metal ear. "You made it back!"

Sunny grinned back at him, but then its smile drooped. "But… I broke down," it muttered, looking ashamed.

Franky laughed and scooped the klabautermann up. "But you lasted a thousand years! You were worthy of your name." Then he started to tear up. "I missed you, Sunny-bro!" he cried into the silvery form.

Sunny patted his shoulder. "It's okay, aniki."

"Good to see you again, Sunny," said Usopp, standing next to Merry and trying very hard not to burst into tears himself. "Kaya's been wanting to meet you."

"Oh, yeah!" agreed Merry enthusiastically. "You'll like Kaya-chan!"

The rest of the crew crowded around then, all looking just like they had in their prime. Sunny drank them all in. Zoro still had both arms, he noticed, and Sanji's hair was all back and had returned to cover the left side of his face, and Nami didn't have any of those wrinkles she had cursed and Robin could see just fine. There wasn't a hint of rust on Franky and Chopper's hair was rich brown instead of snow white and Usopp wasn't a stooped old storyteller but a young and energetic liar. They welcomed him in turn, and then several of them wandered around the sea floor, looking at the wreckage of his body and pointing out what was still recognizable. Nami in particular was very excited to find a necklace she had lost long ago, while Luffy sat one last time on his special seat.

The portal shimmered and Merry waved at the others from where it was seated on Usopp's shoulders. "Come on! Everyone's waiting for us!"

The crew gathered back together and went into the light, Luffy leading the way with Chopper and Brooke in tow, singing loudly. Usopp and Franky were walking next to each other, and from its spot on the sniper's shoulders, Merry lifted a hand up toward Sunny. Sunny bent down and took it in its own.

The portal closed behind them, and all was dark on the bottom of the sea.

**The End**

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MerryxSunny… it's my new OTP. XD

The "it" thing was intentional. Ships are typically called she's, but both of these have been called he's before. This way, you can assign any gender you want to them. It was very difficult, I assure you. XP

**Reader Review Corner for "Special Day"!!**

Sheimi5: (for chapter 9) I think I replied to you, but if I didn't, here's a reply. Lol! I can't, but still, that laugh was HILARIOUS!!! I found a clip of it on youtube once and just kept replaying it. XD

Abra Cadaverous: *sings loud and out of key* Binkusu no sake o, todoke no yuku yo!!! I love that song!!! XD Woot! Party, party! XP

Reidluver: Thanks! Heehee, I'm glad. ^^ Oh, me too, me too. T_T Oh! You're welcome. ^^ It really is, and that's why I love this show so much! Me too!! We'll hope together!

IzumiTheMoogle: Haha, just like Zoro, are you? XP Yay! I'm glad. I figured he wouldn't really care about birthdays. XD Chopper's too cute. Like a little kid. ^^ Sanji and Zoro, they got the brotherly love going on. XP Good. ^^ Thanks!!!

Starry-Night-11.0: Well, Zoro probably was just thinking his lucky stars for the quiet and otherwise not worrying about it. XD I didn't realize that until someone said something. I think that's pretty cool. ^^

Lady Embezel: Thanks! I knooow!!! Lamentations! Couldn't resist, couldn't resist. XP

Three-days-late: Swordsmen Get to Nap in Peace Day! XP Brooke didn't, either. They may have had something for him somewhere, but… well, the author was being lazy. XP Thanks! You do that. -_- XD

AGENT KELL: Haha, yeah… -_-' Or just that he'd totally be on the couch if he forgot it. XP

LunaticV: (for chap 1) I don't know if I've replied to you. Yeah, it was definitely weird; we were all very scared. XD Uh, 'cause I didn't have one. *sweatdrop* Maybe Chopper snuck something into their drinks. XP

The Black Kitsune: (for chapter 10) Again, not sure what all I've replied to. It's hilarious!!! You probably would; we almost did. XP

Yumi: (this is going to be long, everybody else) 1) Thanks! Yeah, a little. But anytime those two are getting along, it's OOC. XP 2) Hahaha!! I feel accomplished. XD Thanks! 3) Ooo, that's so cool! I didn't even do that while I was writing it, but now I want to. XP Right? I was singing them to myself to find the right spots. Thanks!!! 4) I do that anytime a _One Piece _fic uses the phrase "one piece." XP 5) Thanks! Oh, I bet he would be an awesome dancer. ^^ It is, surprisingly. If you just don't go in the restaurant, it's totally black tie and evening gown. XD 6) Thanks! Hey, anyone would be with a relationship like theirs. ^^ I do, too. I try to stay away from the phone as much as possible. Well, I can live with that much. XP 7) Hahahahahaha!!! His pants ARE awesome. XP He does indeed. *looks around shiftily, then tackleglomps Sanji* Hahaha! Thanks! ^^ 8) Hahaha! Thanks! It's one of my favorite fights. ^^ 9) Hahaha, that's okay! I started spoiling a lot around this time. -_-' Me too, actually. XP Thanks! Chopper's just too cute, eh? ^^ 10) Woot! I feel accomplished (again)!!! XD XD Haha, I found it out prematurely, too. But I wasn't TOO far away. Well, actually, what I read was, "He's Roger's son!?!" in a fic, and then I had my suspicions as to exactly who they were talking about, but I went back to watching and reading until I caught up for real. Aww, really? You're making me blush! *^^* No, don't worship me. Well, maybe you could peel my grapes… I kid, I kid!!! XP Alas, no, I don't have that shirt! That was a joke between myself and Abra Cadaverous. But I would LOVE to have it!!! XD XD Good luck! Have fun! ^^

Wondering why her brand new iPod is skipping, this is Dandy Wonderous, signing off.


	22. First Fight

Title: First Fight

Rating: K+

Characters: Zeff, Sanji

Pairings: None

Timeframe: Pre-canon, a year or two after Zeff rescued Sanji

Notes: I know I have a ton of other stuff to work on, but yesterday morning I quite literally woke up and was like, "What if…" and then this idea, so that night I had to write it. I finished at three in the morning and was too tired to post it, and I've been busy today, but here it is!

Summary: Zeff thought he was too young to fight? Sanji would show him!

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* * *

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First Fight

By Dandy Wonderous

It was a fairly normal day on the _Baratie._ The dining room was full of pirates and high class socialites, foul-mouthed merchant sailors and off duty marines. Sanji, now just barely over twelve, was taking a careful sip of his marinade. With a smile he nodded confidently and began to spread it over some steaks.

Zeff clacked around the kitchen on his peg leg, barking orders and checking dishes, keeping his staff in line. He paused to taste Sanji's marinade and declared it "passable," starting a short spat between the two that ended with a painful reminder to the young chef who was boss in this kitchen. He grumbled and rubbed the new knot on his head while Zeff moved on, growling menacingly at a dish boy who wasn't doing a good enough job with the plate washing.

"Owner Zeff!" cried a waiter, rushing through the door. "We got problems!"

The rest of the cooking staff sighed and wiped their hands off on their aprons. Zeff turned to the man and raised an eyebrow. "What kind, exactly?"

"There's a whole mess of pirates trying to plunder the customers!"

Zeff shook his head and stalked for the door. "Come on, men, let's take care of these punks."

Sanji listened to all this with excitement. It was true he'd only been learning red leg for a little over a year, but he was dying to try out his new moves on real opponents. He hopped down eagerly from his stool and ran after the others, ready for some action.

A hand caught him, and he looked up into a narrow-eyed Patty. "What're ya doin', little bastard?"

"Lemme go!" he cried, struggling against the apelike palm. "I wanna help!"

A wooden leg caught him and sent him sprawling across the floor. "What are you talking about, Eggplant? You're nowhere near ready to fight anyone!"

"Crap-geezer! Afraid I'll show you up in battle?" he challenged, standing up and rubbing his second knot in as many minutes.

"No, I just know you'll get in the way." He started out into the dining room, the crashes of an all-out brawl already echoing loudly. "Stay here!"

Sanji folded his arms and pouted in what he considered a very manly way. It wasn't fair; he might be short, but he was just as strong as many of the other cooks. Why did _he_ have to cower in the kitchen like a waiter or a busboy?

"Don't look so down, kid," said the dish washer who'd been berated. "You're too young to get into that mess, anyway."

Sanji bristled, then turned to the older man with a glare. "I can handle myself, dish boy! Just watch!" And with that, he marched to the door.

"Hey, kid!" yelled several of the waiters, moving to catch him. With a sneer, Sanji ran out the door and straight into the fray.

The dining room was a mess of brawling men and broken tables. Sanji slipped around several engaged cooks and pirates, artfully dodging strugglers and their attacks. He felt a strange exhilaration filling him as he moved through the activity, the battle thrill the older cooks talked about.

His first opponent finally showed himself: a pirate with bad teeth and a big knife. He spotted Sanji and moved in for what he thought would be an easy kill. With a spring, the little cook managed to plow a foot straight into his stomach, winding the man and slamming him to the floor. Sanji brought his foot straight up and crashed it down into his rib cage, rendering him unconscious.

Sanji stared down at his first defeated enemy and rejoiced with a quick "Whoop!" So this was how it felt to win. It was invigorating!

He was so busy congratulating himself that he almost didn't notice the sword swinging toward him. He jumped back just in time, then swung his leg around into the pirate's knees, bringing him into a kneeling position. Sanji then kicked up into his stomach, knocking him out as well.

Sanji was starting to feel powerful. He hopped up onto a still standing table and leapt off of it, kicking first one pirate's head and then rebounding to kick another. A third came after him with a big club, but he blocked and kicked him in his back.

Sanji felt invincible.

Then there was a sudden bang, and pain exploded in the small blonde's shoulder. He yelped in surprise, falling back from the force of the shot, then cried out again when he felt his back slam into the floor. Warm, sticky blood seeped into his white chef uniform as he lay there in shock.

Sanji couldn't feel anything but the pain from his shoulder, claiming all his senses. He tried to move, to flee to safety, but he couldn't find his legs through the haze. Panic seized him as the gravity of the situation dawned on him: he was paralyzed in the middle of a deadly brawl, and there was nothing he could do to save himself. Convulsions pulsed through his body in time with his pounding heartbeat, causing him to clench and unclench his fists against the floorboards. Tears of pain and fear welled in his eyes, and he cried out once more, desperate that someone hear him.

There was a yell of fury somewhere beyond his world of panic, and then the sound of someone tearing through the fray, sending bodies left and right. The sound was coming toward him, and he trembled uncontrollably, sure that his doom was rushing for him with all the force of a train…

Then there was the tap of a peg leg coming to rest on the floor and a hand was on his uninjured shoulder. "Little eggplant! Hey, stay with me!"

Sanji managed to focus his wildly roving eyes. A blonde mustache and a huge, white hat towered over him. "G-geezer," he managed to croak.

"Stay with me," Zeff repeated. He looked angry, and Sanji trembled again.

"I'm s-sorry," he rasped, barely audible. "I sh-sh-shouldn't have-"

"Shhh," the old chef interrupted, somewhat gently. "We'll have time for that later."

Sanji gave the smallest hint of a nod before pain pulsed through him again. Tears threatened to spill down his cheeks as he moaned out, "It hurts…"

Maybe it was just Sanji's imagination, but he could swear a large, calloused hand engulfed his small one. "I know." Around them, the sounds of battle had stopped. They must have won. "Well, don't just stand there catching flies! Find a doctor, damn it!" Zeff ground out angrily, sending the cooks scrambling over each other to do his bidding.

"Am I g-going to die?" Sanji gasped out, squeezing the maybe-hand as another wave of pain rippled from his shoulder.

Zeff laughed wryly. "I hardly think it's that bad, eggplant."

"Mmm…" It would do no good to die now, Sanji decided, but he didn't have the energy to say that aloud. It was becoming a serious fight to stay awake, but if the old man wanted him to win, he would do his best. "I'm sorry," he whispered again. He felt like that was important and that he should keep repeating it.

Zeff chuckled. "You did a pretty good number on them, for a brat."

For a second, the pain went away completely as pride swelled in Sanji over the compliment. But his shoulder would have none of that, and it brought him plummeting back to earth with the sharpest pain yet. The child gasped and clutched the maybe-hand, those tears finally breaking free. He cursed them mentally, because it certainly made him look weak, just when the geezer was beginning to think he was strong.

Zeff was angry again, and it took a moment for Sanji to realize the fury wasn't directed at him. "Where's that doctor, damn it?"

His voice demanded an answer, and one came in the form of a harrowed ship's doctor who had been fetched. He hurried over with a white bag with a big red cross on it, Sanji noticed, and he watched warily as the man started to look him over. He kept his fingers locked to the maybe-hand, and it never left him. The doctor gave him a shot of something and then started cutting and cleaning and stitching, but Sanji wasn't a part of this, because the pain was finally seeping away and the bone crushing exhaustion was nearly unbearable. After what seemed like an eternity, the doctor declared that he would be fine and should get some rest, and Sanji took that as his cue to finally pass out while two strong arms picked him up and carried him away.

* * *

When Sanji woke up, he was aware of several things at once.

First of all, he was in bed. Not his bed in the crews' quarters but another. He let his head flop to the side and realized it was Zeff's private cabin.

This led to the next discovery, which was that Zeff was sitting in a chair next to the bed, fast asleep.

A painful swallow alerted him to his extreme thirst, and a slight movement told him of the fullness of his bladder. He decided that this was the most pressing matter at hand, so he slowly pushed the covers back and started to slide out of the bed.

He got a few stumbling steps forward before sinking to the floor on his hands and knees, already tired after so few steps. His shoulder protested sharply and he shifted his weight onto his other arm.

"Eggplant?"

He stiffened when the old man spoke. He'd hoped that he wouldn't wake up.

There was the light tapping as Zeff came to stand over him. "What are you doing?"

"…I need to pee," he answered lamely, wincing at how stupid he sounded.

With no warning, Zeff hauled him to his feet and nodded toward the door. "Then go."

Sanji took a few more stumbling steps forward, Zeff trailing along just behind him, subtly offering help if it was needed. Sanji took this as a challenge and became determined to make it on his own. He gripped the wall when he stumbled, using it as support until he finally arrived at the bathroom. He thanked whatever gods were up there when he didn't pass out inside, then tripped back out to Zeff. He groaned involuntarily when he realized he still had the trip back to deal with.

"You're too slow," Zeff said suddenly, grabbing him by the waist and swinging him over his shoulder. Sanji protested vehemently, kicking as much as he could at the man's broad back and secretly thanking him for helping without making him ask.

Within seconds he had been dumped unceremoniously back into the bed. He lay there a moment, glaring at the ceiling, before announcing flatly, "I feel like crap."

"That's what happens when you get shot," answered Zeff, rolling his eyes. "Your body is still recovering from your idiocy. Give it a day or two, you'll feel better."

"Hmph." Sanji pouted. "I don't regret what I did. If I left it up to you, I'd never see any action."

"I don't know; you seemed pretty apologetic about it earlier." He smirked at the flustered young boy's face as he yelled out protests and explanations. "Speaking of that," he continued, cutting him off mid-sentence, "I was going to give you two weeks of potato peeling duty for this, but getting shot is a pretty good punishment in itself. So you only have one week of potato duty!"

Sanji's head sank to the pillow with a groan. He should've know that he wouldn't get off so easy. Then he coughed and remembered how parched his throat was. Zeff raised an eyebrow.

"Thirsty?"

Sanji nodded.

"I'll get you something. You should probably stay extra hydrated, anyway…" He muttered the last part more to himself than to the boy, getting up to leave.

"Crap-geezer?"

He paused in the doorway to look back at his sheepish protégé. "Yeah?"

Sanji stared at his blanket as he asked, slowly, "Did you mean what you said? About me… and the fight?"

Zeff considered. "Well, it's like this, eggplant. You're plenty strong to take out weaklings like that in a fair fight, I'll give you that much. Problem is, pirates don't fight fair. They do whatever they have to to win."

"I know that!" the boy spat in annoyance.

"No, obviously you don't. You weren't expecting anyone to shoot at you, because you're a child and it's just foul play to shoot an unarmed man anyway. But scummy pirates and scummy people in general _don't care _about that." He shook his head. "You're getting the skills down, but you're not battle ready yet."

Sanji's shoulder throbbed and he winced. "Okay. But then _when_?"

Zeff scowled. "When I say so. And until then, you stay in the kitchen when I tell you to, got that?"

Sanji grumbled something, and Zeff raised an eyebrow in warning. Sanji sighed and muttered, "Okay, I will."

"Good. I'll go get you a drink." He started to leave again. "But you did pretty good for your first time," he tossed back over his shoulder.

Sanji stared at the door in shock. Then a smile crossed his face as he snuggled down against the pillow. The old man was proud of him.

It made the bullet worth it.

When Zeff returned with Sanji's water, he was sound asleep again. The old pirate stared at him a moment, at the bandages that wrapped his exposed shoulder, and sighed, setting the cup down on the nightstand for when he woke up. After a moment's hesitation, he reached out and ran a hand fondly through the tousled blonde hair before leaving to deal with the dinner shift.

**The End**

* * *

So, that was fun. Zeff is like a bear when his young are threatened. XP

**Reader Review Corner for "At the Bottom of the Sea"!!**

Abra Cadaverous: Nuuu! Don't cry! T_T Thanks! Oh, I can get pretty sappy, if I set my mind to it. XD

Lady Embezel: Woot! Thanks! ^^ Yeah. I always prefer the idea that they get old and die. XD Yes, actually, he did. I had this vision that he lost it in the duel with Mihawk and still pulled it out and won. O.O I didn't want Sanji to lose a body part because that already happened to Zoro, and I've done that before, so I thought it would be funny if he went bald, especially since part of his character is that his hair always covers the left side of his face. But it's true; a bald Sanji is SAD!!! TAT Thanks! ^^

Three-days-late: Lovely, isn't it? XD Yup, Zoro lost an arm, Robin lost her eyesight. But Robin didn't go blind until MUUUUCH later on in her life (and she just may have had Franky there to help her… .). Thanks! ^^

RedSavent: Thanks! ^^ Hah, I thought it would flow better that way. XP Oh, he would! He'd hold two swords in his mouth. Or tie one to his leg. Or to his forehead. Or something. XD Well, it came about because I've seen sword fics where Zoro's swords have been in love, so I thought, if the swords can be in love, the ships can be in love, too. XP I like to think that Merry lives on in Sunny, yeah. ^^ Thanks! Okay, I shall! XD

Penniless1: Really? Morbid? I honestly didn't think it was sad at all when I was writing it, but people keep telling me otherwise. XP Thanks! …That would be… interesting. O.O

Starry-Night-11.0: Thanks! Really? Well, that's not morbid at all. XP I like to think they live for awhile, but who knows what Oda's thinking? Thanks! ^^

BakuraFromSchool: Really? Thanks so much! ^^ Your review was so sweet. ^^ And now I feel all warm and fuzzy. XD

VergofTowels: (I don't remember if I replied to these, so here you go! ^^) 1) Yeah, it is. XP 2) Thanks! I'm glad. ^^ 3) Yeah, Sanji cares, even if he pretends he doesn't. He is also a little paranoid, apparently. XP 4) Thanks!!!

Yumi: Haha, yup. ^^ Thanks!! I'm glad you liked it! ^^ I get emotional myself. Heehee. ^^ They're so sweet, eh? Technically, as far as we know, Merry and Sunny's klabautermann do NOT meet, so it's not a spoiler, don't worry. (technically, we don't even know if Sunny HAS a klabautermann yet, but we can be pretty sure if it doesn't yet, it will)

And now Dandy Wonderous has to sign off and go march in a Christmas parade. Joy.


	23. Yule Log

Title: Yule Log

Rating: K

Characters: All Straw Hats and various others

Pairings: ZoroxKuina and UsoKaya hints

Spoilers: Light spoilers for Robin's past

Timeframe: Pre-Canon by varying amounts of years

Notes: I know I've already got a Christmas thing out, but I came up with this while chilling and watching Lifetime Movie Network with my parents. Short and cute, so I had to write it. ^^ Oh, and the title came because I was watching a news report earlier about how the Yule Log was back in style. ^^'

Summary: Christmas traditions come in all shapes and sizes.

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Yule Log

By Dandy Wonderous

"Is it done? Is it done?"

Makino smiled down at the little raven-haired boy bouncing excitedly up and down next to her. "Almost." She pointed to the top of the tree. "All we have left is the star on top."

Luffy's grin broadened, if that were possible. "So who's going to put it up there?"

Makino laughed and took the golden star out of the box. She knelt down in front of him and held it out teasingly. "How about you?"

The child's eyes sparkled. "Really?" She nodded. "So cool!" He grabbed the star away and stared at it a moment, before turning to the heavily decorated tree.

Makino straightened. "Now do you need he-oh!"

His arm stretched, placing the star lightly at the top. "Now is it done?"

She laughed. "It's done." She walked around the bar. "Now, would you like some hot chocolate?"

"Yeah!" He cheered, hopping up on a barstool and spinning around. "And meat, too!"

"Haha, okay, and meat, too!"

"Yahoo!"

She placed a mug of steaming hot chocolate topped with cream in front of him and watched as he tipped the cup up and back like the way he had watched pirates drink beer. After several long gulps he slammed down the mug and sighed in satisfaction, and she couldn't help but laugh at the mustache of froth that now ringed his lips. He stuck out a rubber tongue and licked it off while she brought him two drumsticks and a large pork chop.

"Wow, thanks!" He shoved a whole drumstick in his mouth, mumbling around it, "Mewwy Cwismis!"

She laughed and pushed the straw hat down on his forehead. "Merry Christmas, Luffy!"

* * *

"Kuina! Today's the day I'm gonna beat you!"

"Sit down, moron." She bopped him hard over the head. "I'm not fighting you today."

"Why not?" Zoro stamped his foot and tried to pretend the punch hadn't hurt.

Kuina folded her arms and shook her head. "You're as hopeless as your sword fighting; it's Christmas, you know."

Zoro blinked in confusion. "It is? Really?"

"Yes." She gestured around. "See?"

He followed her outstretched hand. There was a small tree in one corner of the dojo, covered in glittering lights and red bows. There were more lights and garland hung on the walls. And Kuina wasn't wearing her normal training outfit but instead a bright red dress.

"…Oh."

She hit him over the head again. "You're so slow… Aren't you going home for Christmas like everyone else?"

Zoro coughed and rubbed the back of his neck, trying not to blush. "Ah… well…"

She stared at him skeptically for a moment, then sighed in understanding. "Alright, alright… I guess you're joining us for Christmas."

He immediately bristled. "Shut up! I don't need Christmas; I'll go train."

She hit him a third time. "Come on, loser. Let's go eat some turkey. Oh, and, uh…" She glanced down nervously and shrugged a box she had been hiding into his chest. "Here."

He stared at it in surprise before opening the box. Inside was a new black bandanna.

This time he couldn't help the blush. "Uh… thank you. But I didn't get you anything."

She shrugged. "Don't worry about it. Come on now, let's go. Oh, and Zoro?"

"Yeah?"

"Merry Christmas, loser." She stuck out her tongue and ran out of the dojo. He chased after.

"Just wait until tomorrow!"

* * *

"Okay, girls. Put the last of these ornaments on the tree while I finish the goose."

Bellemere walked to the stove while Nami and Nojiko happily unwrapped the last of the colorful glass spheres.

"Nojiko! Let me stand on your back and put these up high!"

"Why would I do that?"

"Oh, come on! Just for a second, okay?"

Bellemere sliced up a mandarin and placed the bits around the edges of the cake, then heard a cry, a thump, and a crash. She turned around to see Nami sitting on the ground, rubbing her tailbone, Nojiko crouched on her hands and knees next to her, the splintered bits of an ornament littered in the floor around them.

"Whoa, what happened there?" she asked walking over and looking down at the mess.

"It was Nami's idea."

"Was not!"

"Was too."

"Okay, stop fighting. It's Christmas, ya know." Bellemere helped the two girls to their feet. "Now, clean this up. Careful, don't cut yourself on the glass! Okay, finish decorating, Genzo will be here any second."

"You're not mad about the ornament?" asked Nami softly, standing with head bowed while Nojiko swept up the mess beside her (grumbling slightly).

"Nah, things break." Bellemere grinned cheekily around her cigarette. "Now come on, help your sister!"

The preparations continued frantically by the three women until Bellemere glanced out the window and smiled. "Hey, he's coming!"

Nami and Nojiko looked at each other with a giggle and quickly pushed two chairs onto either side of the doorway. They crawled up into the seats and waited anxiously with conspiratorial smiles.

"Hello?" The door opened, and Genzo stepped into the doorway, bowing his head so the pinwheel cleared the frame. Before he knew what had happened, a girl leaned in from either side and planted a big, slopping kiss on either cheek. He went beet red. "Wh-what?"

Bellemere laughed loudly, wiping her hands off on her apron, and pointed at the doorframe. "Mistletoe, Genzo; gotta watch out for it."

Nojiko and Nami smiled innocently at him while he looked from one to the other, still blushing.

"Merry Christmas!"

* * *

Kaya heard the tapping on the window and climbed excitedly out of bed, wrapping her robe tighter around herself. Merry would freak if he knew she was opening her window with this snowfall, but this was worth it.

"Hey, Kaya!" Usopp called cheerily, perched on her windowsill. "Sorry I couldn't get her earlier."

"It's fine," she assured him. "Oh, but aren't you cold out in the snow?"

He laughed confidently. "The great Captain Usopp-sama has been in much worse situations. Have I told you about the time when I was four years old and I was captured by the evil ice witch?"

She shook her head eagerly. "No, I don't think I've heard that one!"

"Oh, it's a good one." He put his hand on his chin in a thoughtful gesture. "Let's see… my entire crew had been captured by the evil witch's army of giant man-eating snow rabbits, and I was on my way to save them when suddenly I was ambushed by the captain of the army, a big, ravenous deer monster. But I wasn't at all afraid, no, I had a plan to break out and save my crew…"

Kaya listened with bright eyes while he told the tale, complete with wild arm gestures and many funny faces and accents. Too soon, the tale's climax and resolution passed, the sun sinking down in the horizon and two extra inches of snow on the ground.

"Oh, you must be freezing," she said worriedly. "I'm sorry I kept you so long."He gave her a thumbs up. "Don't worry, Kaya; I'm perfectly fine!" Even so, he had to fight to keep his teeth from chattering or sniff his runny nose. "But it is getting late…" He started back down the tree. "See you tomorrow, then."

"Wait! Usopp!" He paused on the tree, looking back up at her. "Wait here; I got something for you." She disappeared for a few minutes, then returned holding a bright yellow scarf, which she held out to him.

"Ah… what's this?" he asked, taking it in wonder. It was soft and warm.

"I… made it. For you," she explained hesitantly.

"Oh. But I don't have something for you!"

She laughed. "Just visiting me is enough of a present." Then her cheeks tinged pink.

He was blushing slightly as well, and he cleared his throat and wrapped it around his neck. "Thank you."

She smiled and waved as he climbed down the tree. "Merry Christmas, Captain Usopp-sama!"

"Merry Christmas!"

* * *

"What are you doing, Sanji?"

The little chef jumped, turning abruptly on the chair he was standing on. "Patty, you craphead! You startled me!"

"What are you doing?" he repeated, poking the boy in the chest with one sausage-like finger.

"Nothin'," he said defensively, trying to look innocent.

Patty picked him up by his shirt collar, causing him to flail wildly and kick at his head, protesting loud enough for the whole restaurant to hear. "You're trying to sneak a peek at Owner's special Christmas meal, aren't you?" he barked.

"I should be allowed to help, anyway!" Sanji yelled, trying to kick the chef's face.

"You crazy, little bastard? Owner don't let _no one_ help him with the customer's main dish on Christmas; it's his secret recipe."

The child finally stopped flailing, crossing his arms with a pout. "It's not fair! I'm the sous-chef, I should be allowed to help, too!"

"I already told you, no one helps Owner with this, ever!"

The door slammed open, the chair toppling over with a clatter. Patty and Sanji both jerked around to look at Zeff as he towered in the doorway.

"What are you two shitheads doing lurking outside the window?" he demanded.

Both burst into explanations at once, yelling to be heard over each other. Zeff waited, arms folded, for about a minute before holding up a hand for silence. Both chefs hushed.

"Patty, get back to work helping with desserts. Eggplant, come with me."

Both chefs' jaws dropped. Sanji recovered first. "Why?"

"There are a lot of customers this year, and I don't have enough hands to finish this all myself. So get in here!"

Patty dropped Sanji in shock, and the little chef shot him a cheeky grin and a "Merry Christmas" over his shoulder before following Zeff into the kitchen to learn his secret recipe.

* * *

"Christmas?"

"Yeah!" Doctor Hiruluk's was jittery with excitement. "You really mean you've never heard of it?"

Chopper, eyes alight in wonder, shook his head.

"What? Really?"

Another shake. "What is it?"

"It's only the most wonderful day of the year!" The man waved his arms around excitedly. "Everyone gets together with their families, and they cover a tree with lights," he pointed at a small shrub he had set up, lit up with simple lights, "and eat good food and lots of candy."

"Wow!" Chopper licked his lips at the thought of it all.

"And," Doctor Hiruluk continued, "they sing songs and tell stories and dance!"

"Pirates, too?"

"_Especially_ pirates!" The man slammed his palm against the Jolly Roger. "Pirates are the heartiest celebrators of Christmas there are!"

"So are we celebrating, too?" Chopper was bouncing up and down in his seat at the thought.

"Are you stupid, boy? Of course we are!" He ran over to the little stove and picked up something. "Here, try one of these."

"What!?! What is it!?!"

The man held out a golden sphere on a stick, which Chopper took in confusion. "It's a candied apple." He took a bite of his own. "Try it!"

Chopper sniffed it experimentally, then took a big bite. "Wow! It's delicious!"

"Of course it is! Everything at Christmas is delicious!" Hiruluk ran spastically back to the stove and returned with a cup. "And here, try the eggnog!"

"Eggnog?" Chopper took a sip. "Yummy!"

"Good, eh?" Hiruluk laughed. "Merry Christmas, Chopper!"

Chopper smiled around a mouthful of apple. "Merry Christmas!"

* * *

"Shh… she's coming, everyone! Be quiet."

The door opened slowly, and then a small child walked in. "Hello? Everyone? I'm here to return my book."

The lights flipped on, and all the researchers working in the Tree of Knowledge hopped out of their hiding places. "Surprise! Merry Christmas, Robin!"

Robin gasped. The tree had been decorated with lights and garland and a big pine tree, and everyone was decked out in reds and greens. There was good smelling food on the table, and a few wrapped gifts stowed under the boughs.

"Wh-what…"

"It's Christmas," said Professor Clover, walking over and standing next to her. "Your aunt and her family were going away for the holidays, right? So you wouldn't mind celebrating with us."

She stared in shock at the party and all the smiling faces, then nodded and smiled herself. "Um, okay."

The old man hastily ushered her to the food table and someone shoved a plate in her hands. "Here, go ahead, eat anything you want!"

Robin took a step back. "Oh, no, I couldn't-"

"Go ahead, go ahead!" everyone cheered, and someone started piling ham and turkey and rolls and potatoes and all manner of other foods onto her plate.

She watched the growing mound of food and sweets with well-concealed anticipation. "I can really have all this?"

Professor Clover nodded. "Sit and eat with us, Robin. Enjoy! It's Christmas, after all."

The archeologists cheered and started filling their own plates, and everyone sat in a big circle to eat the feast. Then Professor Clover presented a package to the young girl.

"For me?" she asked in surprise. Nods from around the table. She carefully took off the bow and wrapping paper to reveal a new book on the ruins of the Nantella kingdom in North Blue. She stared at it in amazement.

"Merry Christmas!" everyone cheered.

She smiled back up at all of them. "Merry Christmas!"

* * *

"Pass the potatoes, Bakanky."

"Not until you hand me the roast, Bakaburg."

"Can't you two get along for even one day?" Kokoro complained, setting more food down on the table.

"No!" they snapped together, glaring at each other as they dug into their food.

"Ta ha ha ha! It's Christmas, you two; calm down!" Tom took a drink of sake and watched the bickering teens. "Then I guess you aren't going to give each other your presents, then?"

Both boys stopped talking abruptly, looking away and grumbling incoherently. Tom watched them in amusement while Kokoro crossed her arms and waited somewhat patiently.

Finally, Iceburg reached out and grabbed a small package just as Franky pulled something out from under his mat. They refused to meet each other's eyes as they thrust the gifts forward and exchanged them. Still not looking at each other, they ripped the wrapping off.

"Hey, a new wrench!" Iceburg raised an eyebrow. "To replace the one you borrowed two weeks ago that I never got back?"

Franky was inspecting his new hammer. "At least you got this to replace the one you dropped in the sea."

"I told you, that wasn't _my_ fault, you ran into me!"

"And I told _you_, I needed that wrench!"

"Stupid Bakanky!"

"Idiot Ahoburg!"

The two grappled with each other until Kokoro reminded them that the food was getting cold. Tom just watched on in amusement.

"Ta ha ha ha ha ha!!!"

* * *

"_We wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Chriiiiist-maaaaas, and a happy new year_!" The Rumbar Pirates belted out the last line of the song with enough force to rattle glass over in the New World. Everyone collapsed into a happy heap of moderately to obscenely drunk pirates on the deck, laughing and joking loudly.

"Brook!" called out a voice, and they looked up to see Yorki, standing on the railing, glass raised as though in a toast. "Let's have _that_ song!"

Brook raised his violin to oblige but was cut off by the protests of the crew.

"It's Christmas!" several yelled. "That's not a Christmas song!"

"Fine, fine, okay then." Yorki sighed in disappointment, then looked up again, a mischievous light in his eyes, and said, "Then play that song, and make it Christmassy!"

"Yohohoho! I can do that! And I know just how to." The tall musician turned and pointed at one of the ship's percussionists. "Get out some sleigh bells! Alright, shake them in tempo! Yohohohohohoho!" He played the opening notes on his violin in time to the jingling of the bells. "_Yohohoho, yohoho ho, yohohoho, yohoho ho! Binkusu no sake wo…_"

The whole crew joined in, and while the song still wasn't a Christmas one, everyone enjoyed making the music together all the same. Brook went to the rail as he played and looked down at the little whale, who was splashing about happily with the music.

"This is fun, huh, Laboon?"

The whale gurgled in agreement.

Brook laughed and then belted out the refrain, then grabbed a few treats from the feast laid out and tossed them to Laboon.

"Merry Christmas, Laboon!"

The whale chirped back to him, and the happy notes of the Rumbar Pirates' celebration rung through the cold winter air until dawn's first light.

**The End**

**Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!**

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A/N: ACK! This wasn't going to be this long!!! It's all Kuina and Zoro's fault, they were just too cute, so I had to extend everyone else's sections to fit theirs. Franky's and Brook's are still short and crappy, though. I'm sorry…

I think Chopper's was my favorite; he and Hiruluk are so easily excited! It's cute. I really liked Nami's, too. ^^

I was a little worried about Robin's, because most of her past would kill the festive mood, but then I remembered, "Duh, just call on the Tree of Knowledge peeps' apparent obsession with surprise parties." XD

Oh, and I finally dropped the "E" from Brook's name. I lament its passing. It may still be "Brooke," but the wiki says different, so I'm just going with that.

Anyway, hope you enjoyed. As I write this, though, it's seven minutes AFTER Christmas in my neck of the woods. Sigh… Well, at least I tried.

**Reader Review Corner for "First Fight"!!**

Abra Cadaverous: Thanks! Yeah, it was, what, 1 to 3 in the morning or something? I'll fix it… someday… -_-'

IzumiTheMoogle: Thanks! Haha, glad you liked it! Right? I wish it WAS in one of his flashbacks, because he would so be like, "Can I fight the pirates now? Now? Now?" XP Oh good, glad you thought so. Thanks again! ^^

Three-days-late: Eek, Zeff just turned green and his mustache turned purple!!! XP Thanks! MiniSanji is adorable, eh? XD

Lady Embezel: Haha, he's just a big ol' teddy bear, right? XP I know! I just want to huggle him and hide him from the world! The kiddy Strawhats are too cute, anyway… He is indeed. It's gonna take more than a shot to the shoulder to bring him down. ^^ THAT'S ONE OF THE FUNNIEST MENTAL IMAGES EVER!!!! XD XD XD

Silverchild of the winds: 1) Thanks! Yeah, Franky is deep (though it wasn't the name he actually wanted, XP). ^^ 2) Glad you liked it! Haha, that's what makes him so fun! XD

Starry-Night-11.0: I imagine it would be something like that. ^^ He is adorable!! *huggles* Thanks!

Yumi: Don't tell _him_ that, he'll kick you to Mars. XP I'm glad! Yup, he did. And I do, I know. Actually, I have another oneshot half written where he gets shot in the back and Zoro cuts him open to get the bullet out, and then I was going to write a reversed version where Sanji gets to do the same to Zoro. XP …And I shouldn't have said that, because SOMEONE'S gonna want me to finish it now… sigh… I know I'VE never seen it, but it might be interesting. Though I think Sanji was having fun kicking ass at the time; he's smiling in the show, anyway. XP

Having eaten too much food, this is Dandy Wonderous, signing off.

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(This is just for Yumi, who reviewed every chapter of "Timeless," but since she's anonymous I didn't get to reply.)

Yumi: 1) That's okay, I was just thinking it was clever at the time. XP Thank you! I'm glad you thought so. ^^ Haha, I do that, too. XD Yup, he's a cutie! *huggles* 2) Yes! Go, Hinata, go! Awww, thanks. ^^ Haha, yeah, that was to make up for being gone to Hawaii and not updating (and then I utterly failed, but whatever). Thanks! She is, isn't she? *sniff sniff* I remember it like it was yesterday, her all timid and hiding behind a tree. XP 3) Oh wow, that's fitting and kind of creepy. O.O Yes, they should! Rawr!!! 4) Haha, I'm glad it was better. XD She is indeed. ^^ 5) Aww, thanks. I don't feel like such a failure now. ^^ Oh, I'm really glad! Reading on the roof is something my friend does a lot. It's funny. XD That's a cool way to look at it! Glad you enjoyed the chapter! 6) You're welcome! ^^ And yes, that's how I suck you in! *evil laugh* Hahaha, that would have been one for the outtake reel! The school going boom! XP Uh, sorry about that? ^^' Yes; YAY!!! Haha, I love having Neji beat people up. XP And Gentle Fist is just awesome and kick butt, ya know? XD Thanks so much!!! *is hugged* I like random pairings in AU, too. Like HidaTema; it's so weird, but green see-through ghosts got me SOOO hooked on it. XP Hmm, maybe I'll check it out sometime. XD Haha, awesome, glad to make a few converts. XP Uh… I just remind myself that he is a bad guy. Though it's still hard. I cried when my dear li'l Sasori died… *sniff sniff* Haha, that's cool! Those are a lot of my fave songs, so it's fun to imagine Zoro and Sanji singing them. Thanks so much for reading the story and reviewing every chapter!!!


	24. 30 Sentences for a Cook and a Swordsman

Title: Sentences for a Cook and Swordsman

Rating: T

Characters: Sanji, Zoro, others in passing

Pairings: One count of one-sided SaNa

Timeframe: Various times; spoilers for Thriller Bark

Notes: Written for Lady Emzebel's sentence challenge, which can be found on her profile. The others who have done this did all random characters and pairings, but I stayed focused on Sanji/Zoro nakamaship because I've been doing so much SaNa lately that I missed it. Yes, all these sentences are written as gen, though things are always open to be interpreted however you desire. Oh, and numbers 15 and 27 are AU.

Summary: Thirty sentences about Sanji and Zoro and their crazy abusive friendship.

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**Sentences for a Cook and Swordsman**

By Dandy Wonderous

1) Sanguine

"The color just brings back too many bad memories," the chef explained as he tossed the deep red shirt into the fire.

2) Hapless

Zoro supposed he should be a little more sensitive to Sanji's predicament, but really, how could he be expected to keep a straight face when the cook was standing there in a dress with his mascara running?

3) Moonshine

Sanji watched Zoro drink some shit grog he wouldn't have bought in a million years, and, with the last battle running through his mind, he decided that he _might_ buy him the good stuff in port-provided the shitty swordsman behaved himself.

4) Bookworm

It was not at all surprising to Zoro that Sanji's section of the library consisted fully of cookbooks, romance novels, and dirty magazines.

5) Relief

Sanji decided that all he was feeling was pure, unadulterated irritation with the marimo for making such a reckless deal with the shitty bear and somehow living to argue with him once again.

6) Sasquatch

Zoro received a sharp kick in the head for announcing that he had seen Bigfoot after Sanji walked out of the cabin in shorts and bare feet.

7) Welcome

"It's after closing, shitty marimo," Sanji growled as he stepped back to allow the man entrance to his restaurant anyway.

8) Unwelcome

"You can't sit here," the man said dangerously around his cigarette, "because this table is reserved for a certain group, and that seat belongs to the world's greatest swordsman _only_."

9) Exhausted

"I still think I got more than you," Zoro taunted between pants as the two warriors sank to the ground in the middle of the bloody but still battlefield.

10) Heist

"My codename is Mr. Prince, shithead, not dartboard!" Sanji yelled into the baby den den mushi, alerting all the marines in the base to his location.

11) Ricochet

After being flung like a human paddle ball out to sea and then back into the galley and straight into the dartboard's face, Zoro enlisted his help in beating the shit out of their rubbery captain.

12) Blanket

"Just take it," Sanji snapped, thrusting the quilt toward him, "because I'm not making special soup for you if you catch a cold."

13) Rum

Zoro decided that Sanji was much more fun when he was drunk, especially if there was a tone dial around to record his raucous, drunken singing.

14) Comet

"I wish Nami-san would love me," Sanji whispered up to the shooting star, and a snort of laughter behind him made him realize with sudden horror that he had been heard by the ship's resident mosshead.

15) Avatar

It wasn't hard for Zoro to guess who had given his World of Warcraft character pink hair and a dress, but luckily enough he knew the culprit's password and they were about to be getting a lot worse.

16) Comic

"It's almost like you're a comic relief character in a manga," Zoro commented while Sanji stared in horror at his new bounty poster and a picture of himself in a long, curly wig and make-up.

17) Language

No one could deny that the swordsman and cook had their own language that consisted of insults, fights, mutual respect, and undying loyalty to their captain.

18) Keychain

Sanji stared at Zoro's "present"-a picture key ring with a photo of Duval winking attached-and tried to devise a way to shove it down the swordsman's throat without tainting his hands with marimo saliva.

19) Fanatic

_And he says _I _have a sword fetish,_ Zoro thought in annoyance as he watched Sanji drool over ornate stainless steel knives behind the store's windowpane.

20) Blank

Sanji had never seen someone's face look so emotionless in the second after Mihawk went down, defeated, but then the disbelief was replaced with a grin of pure triumph.

21) Flicker

"You're making a really pathetic showing, having to be carried back to the ship like this," Zoro growled, and the spark of rage in Sanji's weary eye let the swordsman know that he would be okay.

22) Screw

"That's what she said," muttered Zoro, and it was so unexpected that Sanji couldn't help but snicker, almost dropping the board he was supposed to be holding for Franky.

23) Harmonica

"We need one of those things, uh, what are they called, harmusicas or something," he mused, staring at the bars, and why this earned him a kick to the head he would never know.

24) Millennium

"A thousand year old record… with clues to All Blue," Sanji repeated, staring in wonder at Robin, and Zoro instinctively prepared to catch him should he pass out on the spot.

25) Candle

"All I was wanted you to do was light our way with that devil leg stuff of yours," Zoro muttered before fending off yet another kick.

26) Infant

"Congratulations, marimo, and many wishes the kid has his mother's hair and not your shitty green fuzz."

27) Techno

If there was one thing that Zoro and Sanji agreed on, it was that there would be _no_ techno playing in a car they were riding in, only heavy metal or smooth jazz.

28) Rugged

"When they say women go for the mountain man look, they don't mean anything like your scraggly peach fuzz," said Zoro in his never ceasing quest to be, ah, "helpful."

29) Unbidden

Sanji certainly wasn't asking for tears to prick his eyes when he saw the bloody mess that should be his right hand, just as he didn't want to feel a rush of gratitude that Zoro didn't comment when they spilled over his eyelids.

30) Celebration

Sanji and Zoro had never gotten along so well as at the party on Raftel, in celebration of their captain, the new Pirate King.

**End**

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A/N: That was more fun than I thought it would be! XD

**Reader Review Corner for "Yule Log"!!**

Abra Cadaverous: Yeah, I was tired when I wrote this, so random typos ahoy. -_-' Wow, that's weird. O.O Chopper's was my favorite to write. Actually, I think Chopper and Hiriluk were just a hit all around. ^^ I basically just wrote about Sanji and Zoro with different names and insults. XP But I do love Iceburg, he's cool. ^^ Thanks!

Lady Emzebel: (and I think every other time I've typed your name I've switched the z and the b, random dyslexia moment, I think; I'm sorry!!! *bows apologetically*) Aww, thank you! Tiny Luffy is love. XD I know, right? Poor Zoro. *huggles* Genzo is fun to mess with. XD I know! I think UsoKaya is the only pairing I'll be really sad about if it's not canon… Glad you liked that part! ^^ Chopper's is my fave, too. And the word "spastically" makes everything better. XD Ugh, I know! Robin's threw me for a loop, because at first I was like, but all her Christmases were spent alone, that'll throw a damper on the happy mood, but then I remembered she could spend Christmas with the Ohara researchers, and then it was STILL sad… T_T Franky and Iceburg as kids are actually my favorite out of all the mini-Strawhats in the series. I love those two so much! And they get so cute when they're teenagers, I was thinking that if _I_ was a young Water 7 girl I would be hanging around the docks A LOT, XP. But all of Tom's Workers just make me happy… I couldn't think of anything else for Brooke because there's such a small window of opportunity for him that we know about that doesn't have him all alone on a ship. So I'm glad it went over okay. ^^ Thanks for reading!

Three-days-late: Thanks! ^^

Callosum: Yes, cute fluffiness all around! ^^ Zoro being socially inept was fun to write, really. XD Thanks. They were kind of the inspiration for this fic (Bellemere and Zeff especially), because I really wanted to write something about them during Christmas and so I wrote about everyone as an excuse. It would be awesome, huh? XD Thanks!

Amethyst Turtle: Thanks! His was my favorite, too. ^^

Holly-Batali: Thanks! Glad you liked it so much. ^^

Animefan1q2w: I'm glad you got so much inspiration from it! ^^ Thanks!!!

SmileyDJingles: Thanks!

RedSavant: To save on heating costs, I wrap myself in it. XP I'm glad you liked it!!! Thanks!

Remembering that she _does_ have a bigger project to work on (I am, I promise, slowly but surely!), this is Dandy Wonderous, signing off.


	25. 30 Bits of Love

Title: 30 Bits of Love

Rating: T (Sentence 10 may not be suitable for younger readers (though it's all implication))

Characters: Robin, Franky, Nami, Sanji, Luffy once, a surprise at the end

Pairings: Frobin, SaNa

Timeframe: Various; spoilers for Enies Lobby

Notes: I know, LE, I said Robin/Nami nakamaship, and I still really want to do some stuff with them, but I was looking at the word list while watching _Pride and Prejudice_ and it was at that part in the ruins in the rain where that guy who plays Mr. Darcy just looks so dang sexy and then one of the words was "Downpour" and darn it if I wasn't all geared up for fluffy romance then! So I did alternating Frobin/Sana instead. ^^ Though sentence 21 kind of works. So I tried. Frobin actually ended up being more romantic than the SaNa, probably because of the SaNa overload I am currently in (augh). No more thirty challenges with a pairing, it melts my brain! (I'm doing nakamaship next time.)

Summary: Thirty sentences about the love between shipwrights and archaeologists, navigators and cooks. For Lady Emzebel's Sentence Challenge Mark II!

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Thirty Bits of Love

By Dandy Wonderous

1) Flustered

He was so shocked when she leaned over so easily from her deck chair and kissed him that all he could do was blink for several seconds before stuttering out a, "S-s-suuupeeer!"

2) Girlfriend

"Yes, she is," Sanji responded heatedly to the man on the floor, "and if you touch her again, the heel of my shoe will be the last thing you _ever_ see in your shitty life."

3) Boyfriend

It was a word she had never thought she would use, but Robin liked the way it tasted on her tongue and she secretly hoped, as she took Franky's arm, that "fiancé" would follow.

4) Conjoined

"But Sanji, the book said you may now kiss the bride, so I did!" Luffy wailed as he was chased about the deck by a very irate groom and his new wife while the rest of the wedding party laughed at the turn of events.

5) Reflux

He explained the machine in rapid detail, finding it extremely satisfying that she actually understood such words as "reflux" and "condenser."

6) Central

He set the first dish he cooked in front of her with a flourish, showing that even here, in the middle of All Blue, she was the most important thing to him.

7) Princess

_You're almost like Cinderella,_ Franky thought, watching Robin sleep on his chest after telling him about her childhood, _it just took twenty years for your prince to return your slipper._

8) Tattoo

"I believe this is the price of entering this family, right?" Sanji asked, pulling back the collar of his shirt so she could see the tattoo of the fish and the mikan on his shoulder.

9) Wicked

No matter how many people she killed or what horrible things she did, he would always make her feel like she had goodness to spare.

10) Flounder

Sanji was not a clumsy man, or so Nami thought until she appeared before him in nothing but her underwear and fumbled in confusion until she undid the catch of her bra for him.

11) Habitual

Robin used to always drink her morning coffee in the library, so it was a bit surprising when she came into his workshop one morning with her mug, and even more surprising that she kept coming back day after day.

12) Spelunking

Going into a dark, dank hole in the ground was not on the list of things Sanji wanted to do before he died, but Nami was sure there was a treasure she wanted at the bottom, so in he was going.

13) Awake

As usual, Robin was the only one awake at this hour; or so she thought, until she heard the pounding of a hammer and discovered Franky in his workshop working on a better light for her midnight reading.

14) Hug

The first time she hugged him, she said it was because he had saved her from a marine; the second time, she pointed out how he had taken a bullet for her; but the third time she had no excuse, save that she loved the security of his arms wrapped around her and the warmth of his chest against her face.

15) Kiss

He tasted like oil and sawdust, and she tasted like old books and the smoke of a low burning candle.

16) Slap

For so long, Nami had seemed completely unaffected by his flirtations, so the day Sanji made eyes at the cute fruit seller and she left a red hand-shaped mark on his cheek, he knew he was getting that much closer to stealing her heart.

17) Dread

Each day the ship drew closer to Ohara, and yet Franky seemed to be the one most afraid of seeing that burnt-out husk of tree, for the sake of woman who snuggled against his chest each night, and if it hadn't been her idea to start with he never would have let them come here.

18) Token

"This proves you're only mine," Nami said as she slipped the silver band over Sanji's left ring finger, "no matter who you grace with your _chivalry_."

19) Wisp

Even the smallest of winds whipped her beautiful black hair back in waves, never failing to distract him from his work on deck.

20) Current

"If my calculations are correct, it is this current that makes All Blue possible, so if we follow it, we're sure to-mmph!" explained Nami before being cut off midsentence by a kiss from an ecstatic Sanji, and while she slapped him silly after she couldn't stop the blush on her cheeks.

21) Dress

"Ooo, onee-san, you should get that one!" Nami cried, watching Robin model the pure white dress in front of the store's full length mirrors.

22) Summit

Luffy pulled himself slowly up another feet of rock, then arched his back a little to be sure that Nami was still there, because if she wasn't there when he got to the mountain's top, Sanji would kick his ass, broken back or not.

23) Parched

Franky had stopped to wipe sweat off his brow once again when suddenly a shadow blocked him from the sun and a cool voice said, "Would you like a cola, Shipwright-san?"

24) Downpour

Getting lost, in the forest, in a rain as hard as any monsoon, was all worth it when he got to snuggle against Nami for warmth in the hollow of a dead tree, feeling the weight of her head as she fell asleep and listening to the music of the storm outside on the fallen leaves.

25) Musk

Opening old books only made him sneeze, but Robin found something enticing in that scent, and Franky began to wish that he could find cologne with the same smell so that perhaps she would look at him with such open adoration.

26) Rogue

"Nami-san is so clever, like a sly nymph!" Sanji praised after she had successfully robbed yet another unsuspecting pirate captain of all his riches.

27) Languid

Drowsy days at sea where she lounged with a cup of coffee, curled up against Franky's broad chest with a book in her lap that she didn't intend to read just now… these were the things Robin lived for.

28) Belated

"Happy anniversary, Sanji-kun," Nami said sheepishly, holding out the new suit she had got him, but he was too busy thanking her with kisses to point out that she was almost a week late.

29) Congenial

The loud, boisterous shipwright hardly seemed a match for the quiet, studious archaeologist, but no one could deny that they looked perfect together when they walked through port hand-in-hand.

30) Leap

She was scared-scared that this wouldn't work, scared that he would leave her for another, scared that something could happen on the unpredictable Grand Line-but when Sanji held out his hand to her, Nami put her faith in him anyway.

EXTRA!!! Sentence 3 rewrite especially for Lady Emzebel (and any other fans of the show which sports this infamous line)!!!

3 Redux) Boyfriend

"I'm not your boyfriend!" Absalom screamed back over his shoulder while the warthog zombie continued her relentless pursuit of her future husband.

**The End**

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A/N: I dislike "Summit"; I didn't mean for it to look like Luffy doesn't care about Nami…

**Reader Review Corner for "30 Sentences for a Cook and Swordsman"!!**

(By the way, many of you mentioned "Sasquatch," and I'm glad because it was my favorite. ^^)

Abra Cadaverous: Do both! Laugh while hitting Zoro! Interpret it however you wish. ^^ *is tackleglomped* Glad you liked it!

Lady Emzebel: ^^ It is fun, no? I was actually thinking of Thriller Bark for that one, but so far everyone thinks of castaways or something similar… huh. I felt bad, and yet at the same time I'm getting to the point where I often make fun of Sanji's current situation, and it makes me feel like a bad fangirl. I'm sorry, Sanji, but now that I'm over my outrage I realize… IT'S HILARIOUS! XD How did I know you would twist "Relief" that direction? XP Sanji's hairy legs are awesomely awesome. ^^ Hmm… could be. Zoro DOES show up for awhile with Luffy… The one by syb, yes, it does, and I laugh, oh how I laugh. XP Glad you enjoyed it so much you can't pick a favorite! ^^ Thanks! And thanks for the attempted fave! ^^

Penniless1: Mine too. ^^ Ooo, inspirational, always fun. XD Thank you! Aw, thanks for the fave. ^^

Amethyst Turtle: Yes you do! Join the challenge madness! Those are hidden in a special compartment he had Franky build him in the third shelf from the bottom. XP YES THEY ARE, OMG!!! XD …We all know what Amethyst wants for her birthday. XP That… would be… O.O' Yes! Rebel! Rebel! *Muse's "Uprising" plays in background* Thanks!

Lochrann: Thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed it. ^^ Nami probably hasn't bothered to pay attention yet. As for Robin, she probably just found it amusing and moved on. XD

Starry-Night-11.0: That's because it's the shiz! XD Thanks! ^^

Jflower: Thanks! Oo, that would be really awesome if I did, and the way the plot bunnies hit me I just might make it. ^^ No, I haven't seen it, but the idea of the Strawhats going to see a kids' movie is AWESOME!!! XD I'll try to see it when it comes out on DVD and see what I can do, or if you want you can pick a different movie.

Callosum: Thanks! Haaa! As I mentioned, Robin probably just laughed and didn't care; she is very accepting of her nakama's eccentricities (and they have plenty of them). There's nothing Zoro/Sanji nakamaship fans love more than the end of Thriller Bark. XD We all did. Boy, did he have us fooled. XP He probably was. Just waiting around for blackmail… Zoro's a sly one! XP I'm actually expecting it at this point; poor Sanji… It is true, isn't it? Of course he is; it's the beauty of NAKAMA! XD Yes, Sanji was mentally drilling a nail into his own head. But he would. He so would. ^^ Yes, that's me; I have the subtlety of a drunk frat boy. XP YES!!! Because daddy!Zoro is FOR THE WIN!!! XD XD Thanks for reading! ^^

Three-days-late: I know… T_T Yep; you just can't see it under the coat of utter distaste. XP Stubborn idiot he is. (Yay, Yoda sentence! XD) I'll take your word for it (how sad is it that I've only read/seen through The Fellowship? I'm a nerd failure!!! TAT). Yes, I bet he does. ^^ Me neither. Not one bit. Ooo, good idea, three-san! XD Close enough. XP ^^ Sanji is all kinds of adorable when All Blue is involved. XD Me too! Techno and rap is just… no. *shakes head* Thanks! ^^

Animefan1q2w: Thanks! I shall!

Promising to write something worthwhile once her brain is no longer mush, this is Dandy Wonderous, signing off.


	26. Story Time

Title: Story Time

Rating: K

Characters: Usopp, OC, Zoro, Nami

Pairings: …XD (don't freak, it's not OCxCC…)

Timeframe: Sometime POST canon

Notes: I know I don't normally like this pairing, but this was a plot bunny I had for a SaNa prompt for the challenge that I thought sounded better for these guys instead. I wrote it for Abra Cadaverous. Don't worry about tomorrow, hun; it'll all be fine. *thumbs up*

Summary: Story time was one of her favorite parts of the day.

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Story Time

By Dandy Wonderous

"Tell me a story, Captain Uncle Usopp!"

The sniper watched the little girl jump excitedly up and down on the bed, grinning. "All right, all right, I'll tell you a story. But first you have to promise me you'll settle down and be _very_ quiet. I'm supposed to be sending you straight to bed, remember?"

"Oh, right," she whispered loudly, flopping quickly back down on the mattress and snuggling under the covers. She patted the sheets and Usopp crawled in next to her.

"What kind of story do you want to hear?"

"I story about a daring knight!" she demanded, eyes sparkling.

He rolled his eyes. "One with lots of swords and blood, I'm guessing?"

She nodded. "And a beautiful woman who always gets what she wants!"

He laughed. "Okay, okay, I think I know a good one. Here goes…

"Once upon a time, there was a mean witch who lived in the woods."

"A witch?"

"Did you want a princess story instead?"

"No. Princesses are boring!"

"What about Aunt Vivi?"

"Auntie Vivi is a _good_ princess. Don't you know the difference, Uncle Captain Usopp?"

"Oh, okay, I'm sorry. Do you want me to continue now?"

"Yes, please proceed."

"How very polite all of a sudden… okay, so where was I…

"This witch lived alone, and made her living off of tricking travelers out of all their money."

"That's not very nice.""Well, I did say she was a mean witch. Don't you know the difference?"

"I'm only five! I can't be expected to know these things!"

"I guess you're right. But this was a mean witch, remember that.

"One day, she was lurking about the main road when a knight rode by. He was a strange knight, to be sure; instead of shining armor, his armor was brown and white, and he had a green sash around his middle. And instead of one sword, he had three. Or at least, he used to have three, but now two of them were broken.

"The witch, being crafty, spied her chance to make some more money. She waited until he neared and then casually walked out of the trees. 'Hail, valiant knight!' called the witch.

"'I'm not a valiant knight,' he said gruffly, looking down at the witch. 'What do you want, woman?'

"'I just happened to notice that two of your swords are broken,' she explained, indicating the blades with her hands, 'and I thought you might be looking to get some new ones.'

"The knight was skeptical. 'Why?' he demanded. 'You selling any?'

"'Not I,' replied the witch. 'I am just a humble forest girl. But I can lend you the money to get new blades from town.'

"Now, the knight had been traveling for quite awhile, so he knew scams when he saw them. But that didn't change the fact that he desperately needed new swords, so he decided to see what this woman could do for him. 'If this is true, I would greatly appreciate it.'

"She grinned broadly at him and climbed up onto his horse. 'Very well,' she laughed. 'Let's go to town.'

"The knight had a horrible sense of direction, which was how he came to be lost in the first place. Luckily, the witch was a genius when it came to navigation, so she got them safely to a nearby village and found a blacksmith. It wasn't long before the knight had two new blades and was all set to get on the road again.

"'Thank you very much, miss,' he said as he started to depart.

"Before he could ride his horse more than twenty paces, though, there was a sudden rush of wind and the woman was standing before him, smirking evilly. 'Not so fast. You haven't paid me back yet.'

"The knight realized he had been tricked. 'What do you want me to do to repay you?' he asked wearily.

"Her grin broadened. 'I want you to be my slave until you've repaid your debt to me. With interest.'"

"She really _is_ mean."

"I told you, didn't I? Now, quiet down and listen!

"The witch took the knight back to her hut in the woods. It was a big hut, nicely furnished with fine things she had purchased with her stolen money and surrounded by beautiful mikan trees. She put the knight's things in a small, empty room for him to sleep in.

"'How long do I have to work for you?' asked the knight, annoyed about the whole thing.

"'With interest, I was thinking… four months,' the witch answered.

"'Four months!?! I don't have that kind of time!' the knight cried, shocked.

"'You should have thought of that when you took money from random strangers,' she answered cheekily, ignoring his shout of, 'You offered!' as she left him.

"For the next several days, the witch worked the knight like a dog. She had him scrub floors and dust banisters and clean toilets and muck stalls. She had him wash dishes and windows and countless clothes. The work was demeaning and her demands ridiculous, but the knight had made an agreement to pay her back, and he was determined to keep his vow."

"How noble of him."

"Or stupid… ah, anyway…

"After a few weeks of cleaning her house, the knight started to notice something about the witch. She was always alone in the house; there were never any visitors or other people there."

"Why?"

"Well, because she was a mean witch.

"One day, after about a month and a half of working for her, the knight finally went into her mikan trees. You see, the witch had told him never to go there, but he was trying to get to the never used guest bedroom on the second floor and had somehow ended up in the middle of them. And guess what he found!"

"A super cool scary monster!"

"You've been hanging around your Uncle Luffy too much. No, it wasn't a monster."

"Awww."

"It was the witch. She was sitting all alone among the mikan trees, looking up at the clouds."

"Was she lonely?"

"Yes. Very."

"That's sad…"

"Yeah, it is.

"The knight realized he had seen something he shouldn't have, and he quickly got back to the house-by some miracle of fate-and didn't go into the mikan trees again.

"Meanwhile, the witch was starting to get very used to having the knight around the house, and as the end of the four months drew near, she started fearing his departure. She tried to devise a way to get him to stay longer, and then she got an idea. She started using her spells to break things he was cleaning, and then adding the cost to his debt. Soon, he had enough debt for another two months.

"Finally, the knight couldn't take it anymore, and he confronted the witch one night.

"'Why do you keep upping my debt?' he demanded. 'I have things I have to do; I can't stay here and do this anymore.'

"'Then you should stop breaking things,' she replied coolly, looking at him from where she was working on a map of the surrounding area.

"'I'm not breaking anything, and you know it!' he snapped, glaring at her. 'Admit it, you're breaking stuff yourself!'

"'Why would I do that to my own things?'

"'The heck if I know, woman! Probably just so you can keep me here as your personal slave for the rest of my life!'

"'Oh, please, like I'd do that! I can't stand having you around! Just looking at you disgusts me!'

"'Then why don't you just let me leave?' he demanded, folding his arms.

"For the first time, the witch's confidence faltered. 'Because… because you haven't finished paying your debt, of course.'

"'You're such a cold, heartless b-buh-buh… witch, witch I was going to say, witch, you're such a cold, heartless witch, you don't care about others at all! You just live to make everyone around you miserable, and that's why you don't have any friends!'

"The knight realized he had said to much in his aggravation, because there was hurt in the witch's eyes before she turned away from him. 'Fine,' she said tersely. 'Leave. You've done your time and are free to go.'

"The knight felt bad, but he was still furious that the witch had been forcing him to stay, so he left without another word.

"He went out and got on his horse, then rode out into the woods. He wandered around lost for awhile, unable to get the witch off his mind. He started to feel really bad about all he had said, and he wanted to go back and apologize.

"Luckily, his wandering somehow brought him back to the mikan grove. He entered the trees and there she was, crying under the branches-"

"That's it?"

"Eh!?!"

"I feel like this story is drawing to a close, and there hasn't been one fight or drop of blood yet!"

"Well, this isn't really the kind of story that-"

"The ones Auntie Robin tells are better."

"I hope your parents don't approve of Aunt Robin telling you stories… okay, okay, I'll see what I can do.

"The knight's wandering brought him back to the mikan grove, where the witch was surrounded by a horde of evil fishmen. These fishmen were demanding that she give them all her precious mikans. The knight rushed in, all three swords unsheathed, and he single-handedly knocked out-"

"Booor-iiing."

"Single-handedly decapitated all the fishmen in a flurry of glinting steel!"

"Yay! Go, knight, go!"

"Ssh! We're supposed to be quiet, remember?"

"Oh yeah."

"So where was I? Oh yeah, he decapitated the fishmen…

"The witch stood among her dead tormentors and stared at her savior gratefully but with apprehension. 'You came back,' she said simply.

"'I got lost and wandered back here,' he answered.

"'Oh…' She looked away angrily. 'Well, then get out of here! I thought you had more important things to do then hang around a cold, heartless witch!'

"The knight looked at the witch, and suddenly he realized something. The witch hadn't increased his debt so he would be her personal slave."

"It was because she was lonely and wanted him to stay, wasn't it?"

"Yes.

"The knight realized that she just wanted him to stay, but she didn't know of another way to get him to. So she just came up with excuses. He walked up to her, stepping over the scaly corpses, and smiled. 'If you wanted me to stay, why didn't you just ask?' he said.

"The witch was surprised. She didn't know the knight had seen through her ruse. She gasped and stared at him, then looked down in embarrassment. 'I thought you would say no.'

"'Well, why don' t you ask and find out?' He leaned in closer."

"Did they kiss? Did they kiss?"

"Yeah, _Uncle Captain Usopp_; did they kiss?"

Both storyteller and audience jumped at the voice. Zoro was standing in the doorway, arms folded, face stern.

"Uh-oh," whispered the girl. She quickly flopped her head down on the pillow and fake snored, a trick she had no doubt learned from Luffy.

"Z-zoro!" greeted Usopp nervously, getting out the bed. "I was just, uh… making sure she got to sleep okay…"

Zoro didn't answer. Instead, he walked over to the bed and poked the sleeping girl on her forehead. "I know you're awake, Kuina."

The girl opened her amber eyes and stared up at him in annoyance. Usopp almost laughed; she looked so much like her mother when she did that, green hair or no.

"I want to hear the rest of the story!" she whined.

Zoro contemplated, then smiled and crawled in bed next to her. "Well, Uncle Captain Usopp? Did they kiss or what?"

Usopp sighed inwardly in relief that he wasn't in trouble while Kuina laughed and clapped in glee. "Just wait and see.

"The witch hesitated, but then she asked, softly, 'Will you stay with me?'

"'Yes,' answered the knight, 'and not just because I have a debt to repay.' And then he leaned in all the way and kissed her. The end!"

"There, you've heard the end," said Zoro. "Happy now?"

"Yes, Daddy."

"Good."

"Ahem? Why is Kuina still up?"

Everyone jumped as Nami appeared in the doorway, tapping her foot, hands on her hips.

"Ah, I think my I-can't-be-in-this-room-or-I'll-die disease is acting up again," said Usopp, quickly escaping the room before incurring the navigator's wrath.

"Mommy!" cried Kuina, smiling. "Come get in bed with us!"

Nami looked angry for a few more seconds, then sighed. "What am I going to do with you?" But she crawled in on the other side of the girl and settled down next to her. Zoro leaned over and kissed her quickly on the head.

"So what was going on?" she asked.

"Uncle Captain Usopp was telling me a story about a witch and a knight!" Kuina explained. "She was lonely, so she kept getting the knight in debt so he wouldn't be able to leave her."

"Did she now?"

"Uh-huh."

"And what happened to them in then end?"

"They realized they were in love, and they kissed." Kuina demonstrated by leaning up and kissing both her parents on the cheek.

"Then what? Did they live happily ever after?" asked Zoro.

"No."

"No?" repeated her parents in shock.

"No. They went to a big castle and met a really fun king. And there was a princess there, too, one of the good kind. And there was a really nice cook who made yummy snacks and said that the knight was no good. And there was a really cuddly doctor and a librarian who told true stories with lots of blood! And there was a carpenter who was really loud, and a skeleton who could play the piano, and a storyteller who let kids stay up past their bedtime."

"I hope he got in trouble for that," Nami muttered, and Zoro laughed.

"And the witch and the knight got to live there, and they had a baby who was a fairy!"

"A fairy?" repeated Zoro, amused.

"Uh-huh. The prettiest fairy in the whole world!"

"I'm sure she was."

The girl smiled. "And _then_ they lived happily ever after."

"Okay, good. Now you need to go to sleep, okay?"

"Okay." She yawned and settled down against the pillow. "The witch and the knight sounded a lot like you guys, Mommy, Daddy."

She fell asleep with her parents on either side of her, her dreams that night filled with spells and swords and the sweet smell of mikans.

**The End**

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A/N: I'm not the first one to throw in the theory that Nami keeps Zoro in debt to keep him around, I'm sure. It's a pretty good one, though. The part where Usopp was fumbling around was cuz he didn't want to cuss in front of the little kid; Nami would kill him. XP

**ABRA-CHAN!!! Don't worry about tomorrow! I'll be sending you lots of mental hugs and luck! *hug***

I have to do reader reviews next chapter, sorry! I might just pm all nonanonymous reviewers…

Good luck, Abra! You'll be fine. *hugs again*

I'm signing off (no creativity today, blaaaah…).


	27. Moses Supposes

Title: Moses Supposes

Rating: K

Characters: Sanji, Zoro, Usopp

Pairings: None

Timeframe: At least post-Enies Lobby

Notes: I AM working on "Kiss Kiss," I promise. But I've got _Singin' In The Rain_ on and BAM! Plot bunny. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LADY EMZEBEL! Sanji/Zoro singing for you. XD Unless you're lying on LJ. Aw well, enjoy it anyway. It's only a day late because ffn was being mean. *pouts* I don't own _Singin' In The Rain_ or_ Moses Supposes_. I simply couldn't resist Gene Kelly/Zoro and Donald O'Conner/Sanji. XP You know what I mean, Misha, if you're reading this. ^^

Summary: Who knew reading tongue twisters to Zoro and Sanji was so dangerous?

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Moses Supposes

By Dandy Wonderous

"Around the rocks the rugged rascal ran."

Sanji looked up from the carrots he was slicing while Zoro put down his beer and stared.

"What?" they chorused, staring at Usopp.

"Around the rocks the rugged rascal ran," the sniper repeated. He held up a book for the two to see. "I got a book of tongue twisters. Here, Zoro, try to say it."

"Why would I want to do something dumb like that?"

"Afraid it's too much for your brain to handle, marimo?" Sanji taunted, walking around the counter and reading over the sniper's shoulder.

"Che." Zoro frowned and took up the challenge. "Around the rocks the rugged rascal ran. Happy?"

He scowled when he realized the cook was ignoring him. "Try that one," he said, pointing at a line in the book.

"This one? Okay." Usopp cleared his throat and began. "Chester chooses chestnuts…"

Zoro looked up from Usopp to Sanji. The cook was making faces as Usopp read the tongue twister. He quickly schooled his features into impassiveness before he actually laughed at the idiot.

"…cheddar cheese with chewy chives. He chews them and he chooses them. He chooses them and he chews them, both chestnuts, cheddar cheese, and chewy chives in cheerful, charming chunks." Usopp looked back at Sanji as he finished, who quickly adopted an impressed expression. "How was that?"

"Very good, Usopp. Now try this one!"

Zoro smirked as the unsuspecting sniper read the tongue twister, Sanji making even more outrageous faces behind him. "Moses supposes his toes-es are roses, but Moses supposes erroneously. Moses he knows-es his toes-es aren't roses as Moses supposes his toes-es to be."

On the last line Usopp looked back at Sanji, who had his lips stretched back outrageously and his eyes bugged. Sanji cleared his throat and relaxed his face while Zoro finally laughed aloud at his crewmate's antics.

"Well, if you think it's so funny, why don't _you_ try," snapped Usopp, thrusting the book in Zoro's face.

Zoro took the book and read, "Moses supposes his toes-es are roses, but Moses supposes erroneously-"

Sanji grabbed the book and pulled it away before Zoro could protest. To their surprise, he started scatting the next part of the tongue twister. "_But Moses, he knows-es his toes-es aren't roses as Moses supposes his toes-es to be._"

Zoro smirked and stood up from his chair. The two clapped hands and started circling each other, scatting together, "_Moses supposes his toes-es are roses, but Moses supposes erroneously._" At then end, they walked to either side of Usopp and pulled him from his chair.

Sanji turned Usopp to him.. "_A Mose is a Mose._"

Zoro grabbed his arm and whirled him around the other way. "_A rose is a rose._"

And then he was yanked back to Sanji. "_A toes is a toes._"

"_Hoop-dee do dee doodle!_" They sang together. They started circling the confused (and scared) sniper. "_Moses supposes his toes-es are roses, but Moses supposes erroneously._ _Moses, he knows-es his toes-es aren't roses, as Moses supposes his toes-es to be._"

Zoro jumped up on a chair and sang, in a deep bass, "_Moooseees…_"

On his other side, Sanji had dropped to his knee. As Zoro sustained the note, he sang, operatically, "_Moses supposes his toes-es are roses…_"

"_Moooseees…_" repeated Zoro.

"_But Moses supposes erroneous-a-ly…_"

"_Oh my Moooseees…_"

"_He knows-es his toes-es aren't roses…_"

Zoro jumped off his chair while Sanji jumped back to his feet. Together they sang, "_As Moses supposes his toes-es to be!_"

Zoro grabbed Usopp's shoulders and started pushing him across the galley, while Sanji walked jauntily backwards in front of him. They sang, "_A rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is, a rose is what Moses supposes his toes is._"

Usopp yelped as he was flipped around and laid across the counter. Sanji and Zoro hopped up and sat on either side of him, leaning across him towards each other. "_Couldn't be a lily or a taffy-daffy-dilly…_" Then they both jumped back down, each grabbing one of the sniper's arms and pulling him with them. "_It's gotta be a rose 'cause it rhymes with Mose!_"

They sat him back down in a chair. Sanji jumped up on the table and leaned toward him while Zoro stood behind him. "_Moooseees!_" They pounded out a beat on the table. Zoro jumped up next to Sanji. "_Moooseees!_" They pounded it out again, and then both jumped to their feet. "_Moooseees!_" This time they pounded the beat with their feet, tap dancing impressively. Usopp was just afraid they would break the table.

And then, to his surprise, they started tap-dancing together. They jumped off the table in tandem, and Zoro yanked Usopp up from his chair and pointed at Sanji's feet as the blonde danced. Then they traded, Sanji pushing Usopp back into the chair and pointing at Zoro as he danced. Then they started dancing together.

The younger boy could only watch his nakama in shock and slight horror. _They've gone completely crazy! Completely insane! _

The two crazies grabbed him again and threw him flat on top of the table. They started piling random things on top of him, and he yelped and struggled but the other two were too strong. Soon he was buried under a chair, a tablecloth, several pans, a trashcan, and some couch cushions. Finally, they stopped, stood on either side of him, threw out their arms, and sang, "_Aaaaaaaa!_"

"What's going on in here?"

The two looked over to see Nami standing in the doorway, staring at them with her hands on her hips. "You're awfully noisy."

There was a crash as Usopp pushed all the stuff off of him and got down off the table. He grabbed the book, glaring all the while at Zoro and Sanji.

"Usopp!" Nami cried in surprise. "What happened?"

He walked to the doorway without answering. As he passed her, he paused and said, "Don't ever read tongue twisters with these two." Then he left.

Nami looked back at the nakama in question. Sanji had gone back to cooking, while Zoro was seated at the table, drinking his beer. Neither looked like anything out of the ordinary had happened.

She shrugged and walked back out on deck. "Whatever."

**The End**

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A/N: That was fun! I wish I could actually see Sanji and Zoro tap dancing like Gene Kelly and Donald O'Conner…

**Reader Review Corner for… various stuff (XP)!!**

Abra Cadaverous: 1) Thanks! Hee, he's cute, huh? XD 2) Obviously not. ^^ *is clung to* You're welcome. *hug*

Lady Emzebel: 1) Glad you liked it. XD I'm glad you liked them! Heehee, I thought it would. XP That's because it's an awesome movie. ^^ 2) Flail, LE, flail! Glad you liked it! ^^ Heehee, I just converted someone to a pairing I don't actually ship myself. I feel accomplished. XD

Anthrax Pretzels: Indeed you do. XD

Amethyst Turtle: I know, right!? No one ever writes about them! (I'm guilty of it too, I know). I am working on penniless1's challenge with them, but it's slow because I'm doing stuff like this instead. And next 30 fic challenge round I'm going to do all Nami/Robin nakamaship. XD Haha, Luffy would fail as a justice of the peace. XP No kidding. I'm so mean to him… Isn't it? D'awww. ^^ YES! CHOWDER! XD XD I saw that (haven't gotten time to read it yet, augh, so behind!!!). You went all out! ^^ 2) Me too, but it was for Abra, so… Thanks!!! ^^ It would! XD Daddy!Zoro and Zorospawn is always adorable. XD

Three-days-late: Yes, go Sanji! Woo! I want someone to get married just to see something like this happen. XD He is indeed. ^^ It does, doesn't it? Kinda sad… Thanks! ^^ They were indeed. ^^ Woot! XD He is so sweet… *huggles* So many favorites… Hell yeah! XD 2) I know, right? Geez, what is he teaching his child. XP It's because he's just SO CONVINCING! XP

Jflower: Thanks! You're welcome. Hmm, maybe, but I'm not big on LuffyxHancock. I'm more into Luffy with the sweet and innocent girls, like Vivi or Margaret. But I'll think about it. 2) I'm glad you liked it! ^^ I dunno, Oda-san says no one's going to pair up at all. I think I would prefer it that way. But they definitely care about each other, no matter how much they argue. ^^ 3) I'll check it out! Don't worry, I live in a small town; NOTHING sells out fast here.

Penniless1: Because you can never have too many fluffy pillows. XP Frobin is simply for the win; probably the only pairing I _really, really, REALLY_ want to see be canon. ^^ He would, eh? XP

IzumiTheMoogle: Haha, that's okay. I'm waaay behind in reading a LOT of stuff (*apologetic looks to penniless1, Amethyst Turtle, and three-days-late*). Maybe you have, but I still love to hear it. XP I would laugh so hard if that happened, and it might, you never know with Odachi. XD It was kind of inspired by a picture by olafpriol (I think; if it was someone else, I'm really sorry) where Sanji, Luffy, and Zoro are playing… Gaia Online, I think, and Luffy was being attacked by flamingoes. XP Thanks! I thought that would be typical of Sanji. ^^ Something BAD. And me having a Sanji-hand angst fetish… Raftel party will be AWESOME!!! Thanks! Don't worry about it, dearie. ^^

Animefan1q2w: That's okay, I'm not technically a fan of the pairing, either. *hides from Abra* Thank you! Uncle Luffy is just… love. ^^

AllBlueChaser: Thanks! I live to keep dentists in business. XP Meanwhile, in the other room, Sanji and Robin were working on having a little fairy of their own. XP I know feel the same way.

Katzztar: 1) I may have sent you a reply, can't remember (I have a horrible memory…). Glad you liked it!!! Haha, that would have been hilarious! Poor Sanji… 2) Glad you liked it! Yeah, it was a Kureha reference. I've always liked that about his stories. ^^ You're welcome. XD

Callosum: Yes, I did! Shock! If it weren't for Abra, I probably never would… Thanks! I like it, too; I've actually seen something somewhere using the same theory, that Nami uses debt so the crew won't abandon her. You should find it and post it! *pokes* ^^ No kidding, or the Clima-Tact woulda been flying at his face. Blame Zoro's attitude towards blood and violence coupled with Robin reading her bloody world histories in the library. XP You bet she is! Glad you liked it! ^^ He is. Daddy!Zoro is just… *huggles*

Lochrann: Glad you liked it! I love it, too. ^^

Starry-Night-11.0: Thanks! Glad you liked it! I knoooow! He better have little swordmonsters, seriously. I'm glad you forgive me. ^^

Crysania Fay: Thanks! ^^

Enjoying the snow, this is Dandy Wonderous, signing off.


	28. Heart Shaped Box of Chocolates

Title: Heart Shaped Box of Chocolates

Rating: K+ (a curse here or there and a few slightly inappropriate moments)

Characters: A whole freakin' lot of people. How about I list who's NOT in this story instead?

Pairings: See note above…

Timeframe: Sometime in canon present-ish

Notes: I know that Valentine's is almost over (less than an hour left on my side of the planet), but I've spent more or less all day on this. It's rather long, and I'm not horribly satisfied with all of it, though a lot of it turned out cute. Anyway, it's just a collection of fluff drabbles. Enjoy!

Summary: Cupid's working overtime this year…

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Heart Shaped Box of Chocolates

By Dandy Wonderous

_I'm already there, take a look around, I'm the sunshine in your hair, I'm the shadow on the ground…_

"Happy Valentine's Day, Miss Kaya!"

Kaya smiled sweetly at the three boys standing on her doorstep, holding up hand drawn cards, fresh picked wildflowers, and small pieces of chocolate. "Why, thank you very much! I love them." She took the presents and stepped back from the doorway. "Merry made Valentine's cookies, if you want them. In the kitchen."

The boys hooted in excitement and ran through the door and down the hall. Kaya watched them go fondly, setting the gifts on the table in the entry. She would put the flowers in a vase in a moment, but first she should go check the mail.

She walked slowly to the mailbox, taking in the cool air and the bright sunlight. It was a beautiful day.

She opened the mailbox and peered inside. Nothing, save a small, crinkled envelope. Curious, she pulled it out and opened it.

Inside was a beautiful picture of a flower she had never seen before and a note:

_This is the Everheart Rose. I wish I could send you a bouquet, but there's only one in existence. I single-handedly saved an entire village from a band of fifty marauders, so in return they let me sketch it. When I come back, I'll tell you the whole story._

_Happy Valentine's Day!_

_-Usopp_

Kaya smiled and pressed the picture to her heart. "I can't wait."

_

* * *

_

Marry me, Juliet, you'll never have to be alone, I love you and that's all I really know…

Cobra watched as Kohza held out the huge bouquet of roses. Watched as he leaned down and kissed his daughter - _his daughter!_. Watched as she laughed and kissed him back.

Then Cobra watched as Kohza said something to her, her face cupped in his - _unworthy_ - hand. Watched her eyes widen in surprise. Watched him sink down on one knee as he pulled out a small box.

"Sire, calm down!" cried Igaram from where he held on to the king's arms.

"Let me go! I'll kill him, I will! If he thinks he's taking my little girl from me… I won't allow it!"

Vivi hopped up and flung her arms around Kohza, crying and laughing. Then she glanced over his shoulder and right in her father's direction.

He gulped and flew back around the corner, panting. "You think she saw us?"

Igaram shook his head. "Something tells me you won't be able to tell her no…"

_

* * *

_

Why not take a crazy chance? Why not do a crazy dance? If you lose a moment, you might lose a lot, so why not?

Nojiko knew that guy from the next village over, the one who made so beautifully crafted furniture, had been flirting with her every time they met in the market.

She just hadn't expected it to be this excessive.

She stared at the five bouquets of roses - one red, one dark pink, one light pink, one white, and one with petals that were white with red tips and absolutely _stunning_ - and raised a skeptic eyebrow. "These are all for me?"

"Yes ma'am," said the delivery boy, holding out an envelope. "And there's a card as well."

She opened it. _Happy Valentine's Day from your secret admirer,_ followed by a number for a local den den mushi.

The delivery boy carried the flowers into her house and left her standing in her doorway, staring up at the sky.

Bellemere had always said you didn't need a man to be happy, but that you could be happy with a man if you had one.

"What do you say, Bellemere-san? Should I give this one a try?"

Nojiko grinned at the sun and walked back inside. She had a call to make.

_

* * *

_

Come on and lift your glass, you've won your own free pass, to be our guest…

Zeff opened his eyes and stared at the calendar. Today's date had a giant red circle around it, with another line running through it. Which meant today was bad. He couldn't remember why.

Then he focused harder and realized why; it was that accursed Valentine's day.

That meant the eggplant would be tittering around the kitchen making all kinds of sugary, heart-shaped deserts dripping in chocolate and would be flirting with every girl in sight and giving them free meals in attempt to get someone, _anyone_, to be his Valentine.

It was a source of humiliation for every other chef on board.

But when he walked into the kitchen, there were no signs of the normal Valentine's chaos. Instead, everything was clean and normal.

It was a sharp reminder that the eggplant was gone now.

Zeff shook his head and got ready for the first customers.

They appeared a few hours later in the form of four young, excited girls.

"Um, we heard that there was a cute blond waiter who gave girls free food on Valentine's," they explained, looking around expectantly.

Zeff sighed long-sufferingly, but led them to a table. "That was my irrepressible sous chef. He's gone now, but perhaps I can see what I can do for you lovely ladies…"

_

* * *

_

Look at the two of you dancing that way, lost in the moment and each other's face, so much in love, you're alone in this place, like there's nobody else in the world…

Smoker didn't think he'd ever get used to it. Being an outlaw. Consorting with pirates. Having a bounty.

But most importantly, he'd never get used to Tashigi walking around with the Demon Swordsman, Roronoa Zoro, hands interlaced like it was the most natural thing in the world.

They stopped outside a sword shop, Tashigi pointing things out and talking ecstatically. Zoro shook his head and pointed at a different sword, and the two had a good natured bicker before she conceded to his point. Then she said something teasingly, and he flushed and turned away.

They continued walking, and Tashigi tripped, as she was wont to do, over a crack in the sidewalk. Zoro caught her easily before she fell, putting his arm a little more protectively around her shoulder afterward. She laughed sheepishly and stood on tiptoe to kiss him.

Smoker turned away and almost bit through his cigars. No, he was _never_ getting used to that.

_

* * *

_

I'm sittin' in a bar on the inside, waitin' for my ride on the outside, she broke my heart in the trailer park, so I grabbed the keys to her car, crashed that piece of shit, and then stepped away…

"Bartender! Get us another round over here."

Kaku watched as Jyabura downed yet another shot. "Aren't you laying it on a little thick?"

"Shut up," he growled back.

"He's upset because this is his first Valentine's without Gatherine," supplied Fukurou, lips half unzipped.

"YOU SHUT UP, TOO!" the wolfman yelled, yanking the zipper shut again.

"With that attitude, is it any wonder she left you?" asked Lucci coolly from down the bar.

"You wanna go right now!?!" Jyabura snapped, jumping from his barstool.

"Calm down, you two," said Blueno, taking a swig of his beer. "You're giving me a headache."

"You… augh!" He whirled around to Kalifa and looked at her imploringly. "Think you can help me out here?"

"No. That's sexual harassment," she said calmly over her tea.

"HOW DOES THAT EVEN WORK!?!"

"Yoyoi! It's aaall my fault she leeeft you!" wailed Kumadori, raising a steak knife. He made to thrust it into his stomach. "Tekkai!"

"Just kill yourself already!" Jyabura yelled, then sank back down on his barstool.

"Here, have another shot," suggested Kaku. "Maybe you'll finally pass out and we won't have to listen to you anymore."

"I hate you guys."

Kaku slapped him on the back. "Well, that's what friends are for."

_

* * *

_

And compared to all the great things that would take to long to write, I probably should mention the seven that I like…

"Haaaaaaa-"

"Oh come on, just spit it out already, you're so slow, hurry up, hur, hur, hur!"

"Ppyyyyyyyyy-"

"What's taking you so long, it'll be summer by the time you're finished, come on, come, come!"

"Vaaaaaal-"

"I'm getting old here, and don't you dare say a thing about how I'm already old, you jerk!"

"Eeeeeeen-"

"You're so slow and stupid, why do I bother waiting on you, stupid, stu, stu!"

"Tiiiiiiiiines-"

"This is taking all day, come on, out with it, out, out!"

"Daaaaaaaay."

"Yes, I accept, you're too sweet, thank you, mmmmm-wah!"

_

* * *

_

Ooo, you make me live, whatever this world can give to me, it's you, you're all I see, ooo, you make me live now, honey, ooo, you're my best friend…

"What's with everyone today?" asked Chopper in confusion, watching the people of the port town give one another flowers or chocolates or cards.

"Oh! Nami told me about this!" Luffy crossed his arms and affected a look of wisdom. "It's called Vlantin's Day."

"Vlantin's Day?"

"Uh-huh. It's when people show the ones they love that they love them."

"By giving them chocolate?" Chopper asked, eyes wide.

"I think so."

Chopper's lip quivered. "But I haven't gotten any chocolate today." His eyes started to tear up. "Does that mean no one loves me?"

Luffy stared at him a moment, then held up his finger. "Wait here!" he commanded, before running off.

Chopper watched him go in confusion. He waited in the street, shrinking down a little in the wake of the odd looks he was getting. Finally, just when he was thinking he should go find Luffy, the rubberman appeared around a corner.

Holding the biggest box of chocolates Chopper had ever seen in his life.

He bounded across the street and held the pink box forward. "Here you go, Chopper! Happy Vlantin's Day!"

Chopper blinked at him, then laughed and took the box. "Thank you, Luffy!" He opened it and pulled out a chocolate, popping it in his mouth. He savored the rich taste, then noticed Luffy watching him, drooling a little.

"Here, Luffy," he said, holding out another piece. "Happy Vlantin's Day!"

Luffy grinned and tossed the chocolate in his mouth. "Vlantin's chocolates are the best, aren't they?"

"Yep!"

_

* * *

_

Like the little playmate in the school yard, we'll play jacks and Uno cards, I'll be your best friend and you'll be mine, Valentine…

She watched the boy as he walked down the street, hands shoved in his pockets. He looked appropriately grossed out by the mushiness of the day, scowling at the flowers and hearts and the pink, the pink that was everywhere.

She gripped the edges of the card, elegantly painted as it was, and stayed hidden in the alley. She _could_, if she wanted to, paint a little pink circle on the ground. It wouldn't be noticed with all the scenery. Then, when he walked into it, there would be no way he could resist her. No way she would get rejected.

Using her powers would make it so simple.

He drew closer, and she pulled out her paintbrush. She had to do it now, if she was going to, or it would be too late.

He drew closer still.

She watched, then took a deep breath and put the paintbrush back up.

After the boy passed, Miss Goldenweek stepped out into the street and cleared her throat.

The boy stopped and turned around.

"Um…" She held the card forward, an offering. "Here."

He stared at her blankly a moment, and she fidgeted under his gaze. "For me?"

She nodded.

He stared for another moment, then smiled and took it. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." She gulped again and turned on her heel to leave.

"Hey, wait!" He held grabbed her hand in his, stopping her. "Do you like chocolate?"

She stared at their hands, then looked up at his smiling face. "I like crackers," she answered simply.

He laughed and started to tug her along. "Well, come on! I know where we can get some!"

She smiled and let him lead.

_

* * *

_

Good morning beautiful, how was your night? Mine was wonderful with you by my side…

Nami was, honestly, a bit afraid of Valentine's Day.

Considering Sanji's general extravagance any other day, who knew what embarrassing thing he was going to do in celebration of their first Valentine's together?

It wasn't that she didn't love him, or that she didn't appreciate everything he did. It was just that he was overzealous, and it was intimidating and a little annoying. He didn't have to impress her or anything, so why did he insist on going overboard? Was it too much to ask to just relax and trust her to love him no matter what he did - or _didn't_ - do?

When she could no longer deny the hot sun on her face, she opened her eyes, expecting a marching band parade of love with all the bells and whistles.

Instead, there was only Sanji himself, propped up on his elbow, watching her sleep. He grinned when she looked at him, pulling a bouquet of roses from behind his back. "Good morning, sweetheart," he whispered, leaning over and kissing her cheek.

She blinked at him. "Sanji? Don't you have to make breakfast?"

He kissed her again. "They can all fend for themselves. Today, I'm all yours."

Nami was silent a second, and then she laughed. "Well, this isn't what I was expecting."

His grin dropped from his face. "Nami-san? Did I do something wrong? Do you want me to-"

She cut him off with a long, lingering kiss. "No, no. This is just what I wanted."

_

* * *

_

When the sun found the moon, she was drinking tea in a garden under the green umbrella trees in the middle of summer…

Wiper knew he would find Conis in the pumpkin patch. She spent a lot of her time there these days.

He walked over rather stiffly. She could probably tell that he was nervous, but he wouldn't let himself worry about that right now.

"Wiper-san?" she said in surprise. "I wasn't expecting you today."

"I know." He cleared his throat. "But I thought I would visit you and… and give you these." He held out the flowers, deciding not to tell her that Laki and Aisa had found them for him, because like hell he knew anything about flowers.

She was surprised. Of course she was. This was so odd for him to be doing in the first place. He shifted and said, "Um, down in the Blue Sea today, they have some kind of holiday where people give flowers to others, and… well, I wanted to give you these. Purely as a sign of peace between the Shandians and the Skypieans, of course," he added quickly.

She blinked, then smiled and took them. "Of course," she agreed.

He cleared his throat again. "Well… I guess I'll just-"

"Would you like to come in for some pie, Wiper-san?" She smiled disarmingly at him.

He sighed, faking annoyance. "Well, alright, I guess."

And he DID NOT blush when she took his hand and led him into the house.

_

* * *

_

You make the sound of pulling heaven down, you brought the rain's romantic pour, you make the sound, you make the sound, of pulling heaven down…

Well, here he was. Dead.

Ace sighed and splashed the water in the pool with his foot. It was so peaceful here. No crying. No violence. Little bunnies skipping merrily with wolves.

Booor-ring.

If someone had told him how dull the afterlife was going to be, he wouldn't have smiled as he died.

At first, he had envisioned himself finding his father and giving him a piece of his mind, but darn it to heck (no cursing in heaven!) if he wasn't allowed to punch people here.

So instead he sat and was bored.

On the bright side, he could watch Luffy continue his adventure in the pool of water, so he had some kind of excitement.

"A bit too quiet for your taste?"

The voice brought him out of his musings, and he looked up to see a woman with perhaps the strangest hair he had ever seen in his life standing above him. She grinned and sat down next to him, slipping off her shoes and dipping her feet into the water. She reached into her pocket and pulled out a cigarette, then looked at him imploringly. "Got a light?"

He smirked and snapped his fingers, a flame hovering above them. She laughed and lit her cigarette. "Handy."

"I like to think so."

She sat smoking and staring at the pool. "It took me some time to get used to, too. I was a marine, so I was used to things being more lively."

"So you were as bored with death as I am?"

She shook her head. "I had peace before I died. So I was used to it by the time I got to eternity."

He sighed and looked back at the pool. "Lucky you."

She laughed again. He liked that laugh; not girly at all, hardy, but still feminine in its own way. She leaned down and dipped her finger in the pool, and a scene grew in the ripples. One he often looked on himself.

She watched a redheaded girl barking out orders to some men scrabbling around on deck. "That's my daughter," she said proudly. "One of them, anyway."

He smirked and pointed at the raven-haired boy she was currently berating. "That's my brother."

"Hmm… I see the family resemblance."

"She has your eyes."

The two sat in silence for a moment, and then both laughed simultaneously.

"You know what's funny? I'm not related to Luffy at all."

"That's okay, because I didn't give birth to Nami."

"I thought you looked to young to be her mother."

She ran a hand through her strange hair. "I'm more than old enough for you, kiddo."

"Hey, lady, I'm no kid, you know!" he said defensively.

She quirked an eyebrow, grinning cheekily around her cigarette. "You certainly aren't." She watched the water for a second, then said, "By the way, my name's not "lady." It's Bellemere."

"And my name's not "kiddo."" He held out his hand. "It's Ace."

She took his hand, and he felt a strange spark he had never felt when he was alive. They shook.

"Well, Ace, welcome to death."

He smiled back. The afterlife just got a heck of a lot more interesting.

_

* * *

_

I love you, I loved you all along, and I miss you, been far away for far too long…

She pulled the box out from under the bed and looked at the cards inside. Each of them different and yet each bearing the same apology and the same empty promise.

_Happy Valentine's Day. Sorry I couldn't get away again. Next year, I promise._

_Yours forever,_

_Dragon_

She sighed and slammed the lid back down. Every year it was the same. She didn't expect this year to be any different.

So when the doorbell rang, she knew it was going to be the mailman with another card and another half dead bouquet and another part of her heart that broke and died.

She braced herself for disappointment and opened the door.

The biggest, freshest bouquet of roses was in her face, their fragrance wafting over her. And behind it stood… him.

"Dragon," she gasped, eyes wide.

He stepped in and swept her into his arms. "I promised, didn't I?"

_

* * *

_

This is the best thing, the best thing that could be happening, and I think you would agree, the best thing is that it's happening to you and me…

Robin stared at the giant card. Franky stood proudly beside it, grinning from metal ear to metal ear.

"What does it do, Franky-kun?" she asked, a smile playing on her own lips.

"You'll see! It's suuuper!" He grabbed edge and threw it open, so that the front, which read, "Happy Valentine's Day to a SUPER Girlfriend!," slammed onto the deck.

Almost immediately, a cacophony of sound erupted from the inside of the card, filling the air with music that Franky had played himself on his guitar, now recorded on a bunch of tone dials. Flowers and boxes of chocolates and fine tea sprang up on little metal hands and were offered up to her, while the cyborg himself launched into a song about her beauty, which wasn't very lyrical and included the word "super" in every line.

She watched the spectacle in amusement, all the way to the ending where several fireworks popped and flew in the air, making little hearts. No doubt Long Nose-kun had helped on that part. When he was done, she smiled and walked up to where he kneeled, panting, and sat down on his knee.

"A normal card would have sufficed, Franky dear," she said lightly.

"Did you really expect something that simple, especially with how particularly SUPER I've felt this week?"

"Mmm… no." She wrapped her arms around him, and then wrapped several other arms around him as well. "I liked the song," she added before drawing him into a kiss.

_

* * *

_

It's ordinary, plain and simple, typical, this everyday love, same old same-old feelin', everyday love…

The door opened and Shakky looked up over the edge of her newspaper. "Oh. You're going to grace me with your presence this year after all."

Rayleigh raised and eyebrow as he walked to the bar. "What do you mean by that?"

She folded her newspaper and went to pour him a cup of coffee. "You don't normally show up on Valentine's Day, is all."

He looked surprised. "It's Valentine's Day?"

She smirked, setting the mug in front of him. "Yes, it is. Don't you even know the date?"

He shrugged, sipping the coffee. "Doesn't matter much to me."

"I guess it wouldn't." She looked down at her newspaper a moment, then back up at him. Smiling coyly, she leaned across the counter. "Well, since you're here anyway, would you allow me to take advantage of the situation?"

He stared back at her, a grin twitching the corners of his lips. "Depends. Do you think you _can_?"

She put away her newspaper and walked around the corner and through the otherwise empty café to the door. She flipped the "Open" sign to "Closed" and then walked back, swinging her hips and pulling of her shirt as she did so.

"Trust me, Silvers Rayleigh, I think I can."

_

* * *

_

She's nothin' like no girl you ever seen before, nothin' you can compare to your neighborhood, I'm tryin' to find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful…

Brook stared at the store's window. Through it, he could see not only pictures of girls in nothing but their undergarments, but rows upon rows of panties.

He shouldn't go in. It would be ungentlemanly. Against decorum.

He stared at the panties. So, so many panties…

He went in.

Inside were three very young, very endowed saleswomen working. "Welcome!" they chorused, and if they were concerned that their customer was a skeleton, they didn't show it.

"We're having a Valentine's Day sale," said the brunette, skipping around the counter.

"Everything's half off," added the redhead, swinging her hips as she walked to the other's side.

"Are you looking for something _special_?" drawled the blonde, coming right up to him and fluttering her long lashes.

Brook gulped (except not really because he had no throat, yohohoho!) and said, "Well, s-something like that…"

"We can help you," the blonde said sweetly. "What are you looking for?"

"I'm… not quite sure," he answered, honestly. "What do you think would be best?"

The three girls looked at each other, then looked back. "We could model them for you," they said together.

"…I think I've died and gone to heaven. Except I'm already dead. Yohohohoho!"

_

* * *

_

Swear I will see you someday, I have to find a way to show you I care, even if you're not there…

"Captain?"

Ben walked in and watched Shanks scramble to hide the piece of paper he had been working so diligently on. "What?"

"I was just wondering if you'd finished your annual letter to Makino yet. I need to send the mail soon."

Shanks blushed and looked away hastily. "I don't know _what_ you're talking about. I don't write letters to Makino."

"It's not exactly a secret that you write her one every year on Valentine's, you know."

Shanks gritted his teeth. "Why would I send a love letter to a single girl, huh?" he demanded. "I'm Red-haired Shanks! A Yonkou! I can have any number of women!"

"Of course."

"Anytime I want them!"

"Certainly."

"And there's no way I would be tied to just one silly little girl!"

"Whatever you say." Ben turned to leave.

"…Hey."

He turned back with a smirk. "Yes?"

Shanks was looking down at his feet like a kid caught with the baseball bat and the broken window. He thrust a letter forward, "Makino" scrawled across it. "Can you send this to Fuchsia?"

Ben laughed. "Right away."

**The End**

**Happy Valentine's/Single's Pride Day to you all!!!**

* * *

Songs (in order of appearance):

"I'm Already There" by Lonestar

"Love Story" by Taylor Swift

"Why Not" by Hilary Duff

"Be Our Guest" by Jerry Orbach and Angela Lansbury

"I Loved Her First" by Heartland

"The Bartender Song" by Rehab

"7 Things" by Miley Cyrus

"You're My Best Friend" by Queen

"Big Girls Don't Cry" by Fergie

"Good Morning Beautiful" by Steve Holy

"When the Day Met the Night" by Panic! At the Disco

"Sound of Pulling Heaven Down" by Blue October

"Far Away" by Nickelback

"The Best Thing" by Relient K

"This Everyday Love" by Rascal Flatts

"Sexy Chick" by David Guetta

"On Top of the World" by BoysLikeGirls

* * *

A/N: So, a few notes. First of all, I did not get ALL my main ships in here (tears for the lack of LuVi and BuggyxAlvida, but anywho), but I got a lot of them, most importantly SaNa, so it's all good.

Usopp fans, I apologize that the only time he's in here is in a letter.

Seeing as Ace is dead, Kohza is my next pick after Luffy for marrying Vivi.

Yes. ZoTash. BECAUSE I WANT TO, ABRA, SO THERE! XP

If you didn't get it, the one after CP9 was Miss Merry Christmas and Mr. 4.

Miss Goldenweek doesn't get enough love! Geez.

Yes, I do like WiperxConis better than WiperxLaki, though for awhile I was actually hoping for SanjixConis (and then there was that scene with Enel and yeeeeaaaah… that died. XD).

I think it was Amethyst Turtle who mentioned Ace being old enough to meet Bellemere. It stuck with me, and who says you have to be alive to find love? ^^

Speculation that the Luff-ster's (sudden urge from nowhere to call him that, XP) mom is still alive.

I actually like BrookxShakky, but in lieu of that RayleighxShakky is just as good. ^^

And in compensation, Brook gets three hot girls in a lingerie store. Couldn't leave my second favorite living skeleton out of the fun, now, could I?

And ending with ShanksxMakino cuz it's fluffy. ^^

The hardest part of this was finding appropriate song lyrics, and a few times I just picked a love song. Meh.

**Reader Review Corner for "Moses Supposes"!!**

Animefan1q2w: Usopp appreciates your support. ^^

Abra: Yes, it was. (Duuuuh. *is hit with shoe*)

AllBlueChaser: Good Morning would be cute anyway, but agreed about Sanji being left out on the love there… I guess you could just ignore it? It's not like she kisses him in that song or anything. Dignity! And Fit as a Fiddle! That would be the awesome!!! XD Dang, I haven't seen this one! And it has Frank Sinatra in it!?! I muuuust see it!!! They would be cute in White Christmas as the two guys, especially for the "Sisters" song. XP

Lady Emzebel: *is glomped* Glad you liked it! Can't you see them doing it? Or at least Sanji, but even with Zoro, haaaaah! XD You're welcome! Sorry. But thanks for trying anyway!!! ^^

Three-days-late: Yes, because it's AWESOME! Obviously. Silly Usopp. ^^

Neko of death: Coolest teacher ever. ^^

Amethyst Turtle: I'll bet. XP Well, no, but the only thing better than the Wonderful World of Disney is the Wonderful World of OP Crack. XD Haaah, probably. ^^

BakuraFromSchool: Glad you enjoyed! I dunno, I rather liked the episode where Zoro was a babysitter. XP Thanks!!! Comments like that make _my_ day. ^^

Lochrann: Thanks! Yeah, you really have to have seen it to get it. From what I've seen the dance is on youtube, if you look up Singin' In the Rain Moses Supposes or something.

Penniless1: 1) ^^ Well, maybe I can come up with tamer stories. XP Yes. He's putty in her hands! ^^ Thanks for reading! 2) Hahahaahahahahaha!! I can see that happening! Hahaha!!! His hair is already magically gravity-defying. Remember falling out of the boat in Skypiea? Not a hair out of place. XD You're welcome! It's a great movie. ^^

Holly-Batali: Thanks! Me too; my mom loves all the old school stuff, so I have seen a LOT of good old movies. ^^ Hah, me too, actually. ^^ Thanks again!

Starry-Night-11.0: I'll bet. XD Thanks! It is, isn't it? ^^

Yumi: 1) That's okay, I can sympathize with that (and with the crying, cuz I bawled, seriously). Well, all Usopp's lies come true, so I thought I'd throw that in there. ^^ Oda never explained its significance, so I just conveniently add some subtext. Haha! XD I'm glad you liked it so much! Oh, I LOVE Iceburg at any age; he's awesome. ^^ And Sanji is such a little brat, no? Fun stuff. ^^ 2) YOU GOT THERE!!! WOO!!! It's epic, no? Totally awesome. Why I had to write this, even though it was five in the morning and I'd gotten NO sleep. Haaaha. Glad you can now fully appreciate the awesome of this moment. ^^ Thanks!!! Have fun getting the rest of the way caught up, and when you get to Thriller Bark, ohmygosh, you should come nerd out on my review page again. XP 3) Thanks! I'm an evil genius? YES!!! My life's goal, accomplished! Muahahahaha-cough, hack, cough. Gotta work on the laugh… It's awesome, huh? LOVE that movie. ^^ Sorry! I didn't really know how to write tap-dancing. *hangs head in shame* Ooo, glad you liked it. And sorry for making your entire family think you're crazy! XP Yes, he's scarred for life, poor thing. *strokes hair* 4) Thanks! I love doing Strawhat kid fics. ^^ So I'm glad you like her. (Heeehee, I like them a lot, too, ^^) Haaah, I, unfortunately, feel his pain. -_- Oh, she's gonna be WAY violent, especially with all the "help" from Auntie Robin. XP She's coming back one day. I BELIEVE! ^^ Oops, I'll have a reedit day sometime this summer and try to fix that. Thanks for pointing it out! ^^

Crysania Fay: If it was, it would be a reoccurring nightmare. XP Glad you liked it, and thanks for reading!

This is Dandy Wonderous signing off so she can go stuff her face with Valentine's candy.


	29. Sanji and the Hypnodisc

Title: Sanji and the Hypnodisc

Rating: K+

Characters: All Strawhats

Pairings: None (sorry, Sanji!)

Timeframe: Post-Thriller Bark, at least

Notes: I realize that Sanji's birthday was on the second and this is the twelfth (almost the thirteenth). I'm sorry this took so long! The hypnotism idea actually came from the fact that I myself got hypnotized _twice_ on Sanji's birthday. How cool is that? XD

Summary: Sanji's in a bad mood, and no one's sure why. Luckily, Usopp has an invention that can help them find out.

**

* * *

**

Sanji and the Hypnodisc

By Dandy Wonderous

"Has anyone else noticed that Sanji-kun's seemed a little… off today?"

Usopp looked up from his newest invention he was tinkering on. "What makes you say that?"

"Watch." Nami turned in her deck chair and waited a moment.

Sanji emerged from below deck, headed for the galley.

"Oh, Sanji-kun!" she trilled, smiling sweetly. "Could you get me a drink, pretty please?"

"Get it yourself," he snapped, pausing ever so slightly in his tracks. Then he seemed to realize what he had just done and quickly whirled back to look at her. "My humblest apologies, Nami-san, I swear I didn't mean that! I'll get your drink right away!"

He disappeared into the galley while she turned triumphantly back to Usopp. "See?"

Usopp was watching the galley door, bewildered. "Wow, you're right. He _is_ off today."

"He didn't bring me my coffee this morning," Robin added, looking up from her book, "and when I asked for it, he got tense for a moment like he was going to yell at me."

"Okay, something is _definitely_ up," said Nami, nodding her head.

"Maybe he's sick?" Usopp suggested.

"Hmm… Hey, Chopper!"

The little doctor was sleeping in the sun, but at Nami's shout he woke up. "Mmm… Nami? What is it?"

She pointed at the galley door. "Sanji's in there. Go see if he's sick."

Chopper's eyes widened. "What? Sanji's sick? Aaah!"

"We don't know for sure, Chopper. That's why we're telling you to go see," she explained.

"Oh. Okay." The reindeer hopped up and straightened his hat determinedly. "Just leave it to me!"

"Okay. We're counting on you!" Nami called after him.

He wiggled happily. "Bitch! You don't make me happy at all!" Then he went through the door.

A minute later, they heard an angry, "No, Chopper, damn it, I'm just _fine_!" and then the doctor appeared in the doorway again, yelping and running. He fled straight to Robin and hid the wrong way behind her chair. The archeologist sprouted a comforting hand on his back.

"Sanji's not sick," he whispered, fearful eyes peeking at the galley door.

"No. He's just in a bad mood."

They all turned at the sound of the dejected voice. Luffy was sitting a few feet away, slumped gloomily and drawing little patterns in the grass with his finger.

"Luffy?" said Nami and Usopp together in concern.

Luffy turned a sad face to them. "Sanji won't give me my afternoon snack," he pouted.

Navigator and sniper sighed in exasperation and turned away from him.

"Yohohoho!" Brook had just walked up, toting his violin. "Sanji-san is in a bit of a foul mood today, I hear."

"Yeah. He's acting pretty weird," confirmed Nami.

"Hmm. Perhaps a song would cheer him up!"

Before anyone could warn him, the skeleton was on his way to the galley. He disappeared inside, and they heard the opening notes of Binks' Sake begin. A second later, Brook came flying out the door with a yelp, to land upside down smashed against the mast.

"Music soothes the savage beast, but not angry cooks," he said before flopping down on his afro.

"Yeah, something's definitely up with Curly Cook today," said Franky, walking up and helping Brook to his feet. "I just went in for a soda, and he chased me out and threw one at my head. Un-super, if you ask me."

"But _what_ is wrong with him?" asked Nami. "Anyone know?"

Her nakama all shook their heads.

"Wait!" cried Usopp suddenly, jumping up triumphantly. "I think I know how to find out!"

"Really, Long Nose-kun? And what might that be?"

He held up what he had been working on slyly. "This… Captain Usopp's Amazing HypnodiscÔ!!!"

The device he held looked something like an electric screwdriver, but instead of a bit it had a round plate at the end. The plate was painted with a black and a white swirl that spiraled into the middle.

Luffy immediately snapped out of his slump to join Chopper in wide-eyed oohing and aahing. "What does it do, Usopp?"

"This little beauty will hypnotize _anyone_, guaranteed!" He gave them a thumbs up and a cheesy salesman grin.

"Hypnotize?" Luffy repeated, confused. "But Usopp, I don't want Sanji to turn into a hippo!"

"That's not what hypnotize means!" yelled Nami in frustration.

"Allow me, Nami-chan. Captain-san, to hypnotize someone means that you gain control over them and can get them to do anything you want."

"Oh." He nodded. "So Nami must hypnotize him all the time!"

"That's not the same thing," the navigator groaned.

"You see, Luffy-san, if Usopp-san uses that disc, Sanji-san will have to do anything he says," Brook explained.

"Ah, I see." He hit his fist with his palm.

"You don't look like you get it at all…" Usopp shook his head, then continued explaining his plan. "All we have to do is get Sanji to stare at the Hypnodisc and I'll hypnotize him in seconds. I haven't had a chance to test the Hypnodisc yet, but I'm sure it will work. If it does, then we can ask Sanji what's bothering him, and then tell him that he'll be in a good mood the rest of the day. Problem solved!"

"You're a genius, Usopp!" Chopper cheered.

"Hahaha! This is nothing! I once defeated a hundred armed guards using only my Hypnodisc and then turned them on their own commanders, and I was only five!"

"Wow! That's amazing!"

"You just said you've never even tested the thing!" Nami snapped.

"This sounds like a super plan," Franky interrupted before the navigator got violent. "But how do we get Cook-bro to stare at it?"

"I'll get him!" Luffy volunteered, and before anyone could stop him he had shot off into the galley.

Within seconds, they heard furious shouting and hysteric laughter from the kitchen. There was a lot of banging and crashes as some sort of epic fight ensued, and then Luffy appeared, triumphantly toting Sanji in a rubbery yet cast-iron hold.

"Got him!" he announced, bringing him over. Nami hopped out of her deck chair and the still protesting cook was deposited in her place.

"What the _hell_, Luffy!?!" Sanji shouted (among other things). "What was that for? Let me go back to the kitchen!"

"No." Luffy folded his arms and looked at him as though he were a misbehaving child. "Not until you tell us what's wrong with you."

"Nothing's _wrong_ with me, besides getting manhandled by my idiot captain!"

"Then why have you been in such a bad mood all day?" Luffy persisted.

"…No reason."

"He hesitated," Usopp pointed out.

"Ah. Hesitation," Luffy agreed with a sagely nod.

"Does that mean something?" asked Chopper excitedly.

"Yes."

"What?"

"…I don't know." He grinned obliviously.

Nami rolled her eyes.

"Sanji-san, are you certain nothing is bothering you?" Brook ventured.

"NO!" he snapped. "What is this, some kind of inquisition?"

"Come on, Curly Cook; you can talk to us," said Franky.

"There's nothing to talk about!" Sanji gave them all (minus the women) his fiercest glare. "Now let me go!"

"Sanji-kuuuun…"

The cook froze. Nami had slipped around behind him, breathing his name into his ear.

She put her hands onto his neck and slid them along the exposed skin down behind his shirt collar and started to message his shoulders. "There's something we wanted to try, to make you relaxed," she purred seductively. "Today you've seemed so tense."

"M-m-mellorine…" he sighed out, practically melting into the chair.

She looked up over the blonde's head and nodded at Usopp, and the sniper quickly pulled out the Hypnodisc. "Hey, Sanji, look at this!" he cried, turning it on and getting directly in front of the cook.

"Wha-"

"Ah, ah, ah! Don't ask questions!" He wagged a finger at the man. "Just look at the disc, relax, and listen to my voice."

Sanji was immediately suspicious. "Why?"

"Sanji-kun," Nami whispered again, and a goofy smile slid over his face. "Just relax and listen to Usopp. For me?"

"Anything for you, Nami-san!" he cooed, focusing his eye on the disc.

Usopp mouthed his thanks, then started speaking to Sanji. "Listen, Sanji. Listen to my voice. Focus on the disc. The disc. My voice. Nothing else matters. Your body will relax completely. Outside distractions will become a thing of the past. The disc. My voice. That's all that exists to you now. And now you're getting sleepy."

The others crowded around behind Usopp and watched with bated breath. Sure enough, Sanji did suddenly look a lot more relaxed, his eyelid even beginning to droop.

"You're getting very sleepy now, Sanji. Your eyelid is about to close. Go ahead and let it."

Sanji's eyelid fell all the way.

"Sanji, listen to me. I'm going to count down from five, and when I get to one, you're going to sleep, okay? Five… four… three… two… one. Sleep."

Sanji slumped down against his knees, unmoving.

Everyone released the breath they'd been holding while Usopp grinned in triumph.

"Did it work, Long Nose-kun?" asked Robin.

"Yes, he has been successfully hypnotized, just as I knew he would be."

"Usopp, that's boring!" Luffy complained. "If I wanted to watch someone sleep, I would just watch Zoro!"

"Oh, it gets better," the sniper promised. "Now, it's important that no one touches Sanji or calls his name unless I tell them to, alright? If you do, he'll break out of the hypnosis. LUFFY, WHAT DID I JUST SAY!?!"

Luffy froze, about to poke the sleeping cook. He pulled his finger back sheepishly and rejoined the group.

"Now, remember what I said. Okay. Sanji. Listen to my voice. I'm going to count to three, and when I get to three, you're going to… wake up and do your best Franky dance. Ready? One… two… three!"

Sanji sat straight up, eyes wide open. He hopped out of the chair, put his hands behind his head, and started thrusting his hips outrageously. "Ow! Dance like this, everyone! SUPAAA!" He turned and wiggled his butt, then turned back around and struck the classic Franky pose. "SUPAAA!" he repeated.

"OW! Look at Curly go!" Franky cheered. He darted forward. "Once more, from the top!"

"Ow! Yeah!"

The two did the dance again, then Luffy and Chopper joined in, unable to sit quietly and watch. Usopp, Nami, Robin, and Brook were merely trying to control their laughter.

After the boys had been through the dance three more times, Usopp cried, "Stop!" Sanji stopped and looked at him, and Usopp told him to sit back down. He sat, and with a command from Usopp fell back asleep.

"Wow! Usopp, that was amazing!" Luffy cheered.

"Sanji was so funny!" agreed Chopper.

"What else can you get him to do?" Luffy asked, eyes shining.

"Hmm…" He smirked evilly. "Sanji, wake up."

Sanji raised his head.

"You just realized you're a cow," Usopp informed him.

Sanji immediately got out of the chair and fell on all fours. He looked up at them idly. "Moo."

The others roared with laughter.

"Okay… okay," Usopp gasped out. "Now… you're a chicken."

Sanji hopped back to his feet and made chicken wings with his arms, scratching at the deck with his foot. He bent and pecked at the ground with his nose.

"Tell him he's a monkey," Luffy begged.

"Sure! Sanji, now you're a monkey!"

Sanji began whooping in monkey-like fashion, hopping around and scratching his armpits. They watched as he ran off and scaled the mast easily, swinging from the rigging fearlessly.

"Wait! Stop!" Usopp yelled.

Sanji froze, dangling from a rope with one arm.

"Now you're a championship diver," Usopp said with a smile.

Sanji dropped down to the deck and walked to the railing. He poised himself up on it like a diver, and they all rushed around him to watch. Then, with a deep breath, Sanji launched off the railing, doing a quadruple summersault with several flips before completing a perfect swan dive into the ocean.

"Wow! That was awesome!" Luffy cheered. The others clapped and cheered, and he climbed back up a rope to the deck and bowed for them.

"Alright, Sanji. Go back to the chair and sleep," Usopp said.

Sanji wandered off to do as he was told.

"Now what? Now what?" Chopper tittered excitedly.

"Hmm…" Usopp searched the deck for inspiration.

It materialized in the form of the swordsman, who had, amazingly enough, slept through all the proceedings.

"Heh heh… watch _this_."

Usopp walked back to Sanji in his chair. "Alright, Sanji, listen carefully. When I count to three, you will wake up and realize suddenly that you are in the finals of a big ballroom dancing competition, and that your partner is Zoro. But he's sleeping, and if he doesn't wake up he'll miss your last dance, which starts in a minute. You better get him up quickly and start dancing, okay? Ready? One… two… three!"

Sanji bolted out of the chair, wide awake, and sprinted across the deck to where Zoro lay, asleep.

"WAKE UP, MARIMO!!!" he roared, kicking the man in the side.

Zoro jerked awake and stared irritably up at the cook. "What do you wa-ACK!"

Sanji didn't wait for him to finish, instead yanking him mercilessly to his feet. "Come on, damn moss-head, if we don't hurry we'll lose for sure!"

"Lose?" Zoro was utterly confused. "Lose _what_? Oi, stop yanking me!"

"No time!" Sanji roared back, tugging Zoro out to the middle of the deck. To the swordsman's horror, the cook positioned them in a waltz stand and started twirling him around.

"Brook! Music!" shouted Usopp, nearly in hysteric tears over his latest prank.

"Of course, Usopp-san! Yohohohohoho!" Brook whipped out his violin and started playing Binks' Sake vigorously. The rest of the crew lapsed into uncontrollable laughter as Sanji danced while Zoro was pulled along, yelling protests and trying to wiggle away.

"Damn it, shitty swordsman, if you make me lose this…" Sanji growled threateningly.

"WHAT THE HELL IS HE TALKING ABOUT!?!"

"Hah, even hypnotized, Sanji-kun still doesn't like Zoro," Nami giggled.

"This is quite amusing," Robin agreed.

"Yohohoho! I can hardly believe my eyes! Though I don't have eyes. Yohohohoho!"

"Sanji!" Usopp yelled. "The fastest dancers win. If you want to win, you and Zoro have to dance as fast as you can!"

Zoro yelped in confusion and fury as Sanji started twirling them faster, wiggling outrageously. "What the _hell_ is going on!?!" he yelled.

"Cook-san is hypnotized and believes you are his dance partner," Robin called in explanation.

"What!?! Who hypnotized him!?!"

Five fingers and a hoof pointed at Usopp.

"Jerks," the sniper mumbled.

"Shitty marimo, stop talking and start dancing!" Sanji demanded. When Zoro refused to move any faster, Sanji flung him away and started a furious solo dance, with some rather impressive flips and splits thrown in. The crew was in awe.

Until Zoro decided to punish the idiots.

Several bumps and bruises later, the crew stood in front of a once more asleep Sanji, all depressed except Zoro.

"Now, _why_ is the ero-cook hypnotized, exactly?"

The boys looked down sheepishly, scuffing their toes in the grass. "We just wanted to know why he was in a bad mood," Luffy pouted.

"And what does that have to do with dancing with me?" Zoro demanded.

"It was funny," Luffy muttered.

Zoro gave a long-suffering sigh. "Just ask the cook whatever you wanted to ask."

The others groaned at the loss of their fun, then Usopp woke Sanji up once again.

"Sanji, answer this question truthfully: why are you in such a bad mood today?"

"It's my birthday," he answered simply.

All his nakama, even Robin, looked shocked. They exchanged glances, but every crewmate was as clueless as the last.

"A-and why does that make you upset?" Usopp stuttered guiltily.

"'Cause I'm not back at the Baratie."

Now everyone was really surprised.

"It's my first birthday away from them in nine years. I don't know if the shit-geezer even remembers." He shrugged nonchalantly, too relaxed in his hypnotic state for the proper emotion.

For a moment there was total silence aboard the _Thousand Sunny_. None of them had realized their friend worried about things like that.

Then there was a sniffle from Franky, and he yelled, "I'm not crying at all! Baka!"

"Sanji, come out of your hypnosis!" Usopp sobbed out.

Sanji blinked once, twice, then shook his head to clear it. "Whoa. What just hap-AUGH!"

Chopper had sprung forward to attach himself to Sanji's leg. Usopp and Luffy clung to his waist, while Brook and Franky got his shoulders.

"Don't worry, Sanji!" Luffy sobbed.

"We'll make your birthday the best ever!" Usopp cried.

"Yeah! So don't be sad!" agreed Chopper.

"It'll be super!" Franky wailed.

"My heart breaks for you, Sanji-san. Even though I don't have one. Skull joke!"

"O-oi! What are you shitheads doing!?! Stop hugging me!"

The smothered chef fought his way out of the unwanted group hug, scowling as he wiped tears and snot off his suit. "What was that for?"

"Why didn't you tell us it was your birthday!?!" Luffy demanded, pointing at him accusingly.

For a second, Sanji looked completely confused. Then he shrugged. "It didn't seem like that big a deal, so I didn't bring it up."

"But you're sad that your dad didn't remember," Chopper piped up, earning himself warning glares from the others.

Sanji blinked, then blushed slightly and looked away. "No I'm not. And he's _not_ my dad." Then he turned back, suspicious. "Wait, how do you know it's my birthday, anyway?"

"Oh, that's easy," said Luffy cheerfully. "Usopp has this really cool-"

He was abruptly cut off by the inventor himself, who tackled him to the ground. Before Sanji could ask anything more, Nami put herself between him and the grappling pair on deck. "Uh, you told me, Sanji-kun. Don't you remember?"

"Uh… no." Then his eye turned into a heart. "But if you say so, Nami-san, it _must_ be true! You have such a wonderful memory!"

"Eh heh… thanks, Sanji-kun."

"Right! I've decided!" said Luffy suddenly, getting away from Usopp. "We're going to have a feast tonight for Sanji's birthday!"

"That he'll have to make?" Usopp asked skeptically.

Luffy pondered that. "Well… you can have whatever food you want, Sanji!"

The cook shrugged. "No, it's really not a big deal. What do you guys want for-"

"NOOO!" Luffy objected. "We'll have whatever _you_ want!"

"But-"

"Cook-san, I'm afraid it's the only present we have prepared for you, so why don't you accept it?" asked Robin slyly.

The heart returned. "Robin-chwan is too kind to me!!! So… how does spicy seafood pasta sound to everyone?"

"Alright! PARTY! KANPAI!"

* * *

The feast was as delicious and rambunctious as all Strawhat feasts. Sanji had felt awkward about baking his own cake, so his nakama had tried their hand at it, which made for about an hour of Sanji angsting worriedly outside his kitchen and listening to shouts and crashes from inside. They had managed to make a poorly decorated but still edible chocolate cake for him in the end, which he graciously accepted.

While they were eating, Nami pulled out a small envelope and handed it to Sanji with a smile. "By the way, Sanji-kun, this came in the mail while you were cooking. I knew you would want it."

Sanji glanced at the return address (the _Baratie_) and smiled, slipping it into his suit coat. "Thank you, Nami-san; I'll read it later."

The party itself was absolutely crazy. Brook played song after song with a Binks' Sake in between each, and Franky, Luffy, Chopper, and Usopp all dancing like loons on the table. Nami and Robin both graced Sanji with a dance, and by the end of the night they presented him with his birthday present; a kiss on the cheek from the both of them which left Sanji in a happy daze of ecstasy for quite awhile.

Until he jumped up sometime near midnight and kicked Usopp in the head without warning, snarling. The party silenced in shock.

"_That_ was for making me dance with Zoro."

Everyone but Usopp laughed and the party picked up again.

* * *

At almost dawn, with the rest of the crew passed out from drink and exhaustion, Sanji stole into the galley alone and settled down on the couch with the letter and a cigarette. He lit the latter and then opened the former, eyes steadily devouring the untidy, familiar scrawl.

Soon his cigarette was forgotten as he read and reread the slightly threatening message that he knew was wishing him a very, very happy birthday.

**The End**

**Happy (laaate) birthday, Sanji!!!**

* * *

A/N: Yes, Zeff/Sanji fluffies. ^^

**Reader Review Corner for "Heart Shaped Box of Chocolates"!!**

Abra Cadaverous: Yup, gotta have it sometimes. ^^ Yeah! Cobra needs to lighten up. XD I don't know, but Nojiko is win like that. ^^ Oh, he so would. XP SUCK EEEET!!! XP Haha, poor Jya-kun. XP Random, no? ^^ Oh, yeah, it was purely nakamaship. Because LuCho would be… O.O' SHE'S JUST SO BLASTED CUTE, RIGHT!?! ^^ Whoop whoop! XD Well, I like it better than WiperxLaki, because I saw them as having a brother/sister relationship. I even thought they WERE brother/sister at first. XP YES I DID CUZ IT'S COOL!!! XP Probably, but I kind of like the idea. ^^' SUPAA!!! XD Heeee. ^^ You better believe he will! XD It is, isn't it? ^^ *sticks out tongue* Nyah nyah. XP

Lady Emzebel: Glad you liked it! And thanks! ^^

Amethyst Turtle: Thank you!!!! ^^ Yeah, you're right. *sweatdrop* I don't know what my brain was thinking, but I like it anyway. Haha! I actually DID have that idea, which is sort of what spawned the AceMere thing (my new name for them, haaaah). Really? That was actually one of the ones I liked less. ^^' Glad you liked it, then! YOU BET HE DOES!!! ^^ I know, isn't it the pwns? I'm also liking AcexNojiko right now, and I don't know why, it just… appeals to me. O.O' XD

ShadowGuardian4: Glad to be of service! ^^ Glad you liked it, that part especially! Thanks for reading! ^^

Aoihand: Thanks! Glad you liked it! Haha, mine too. XD And yeah, it's so undershipped yet so epic. ^^ Thanks!

Eternitybeckons: Thanks! Haha, I'm glad. ^^ XD Glad you liked it! And it does, indeed. Heehee!

Callosum: Thanks! Hahaha, really? XD I actually support the idea that Zeff learned his woman loving ways from Sanji, not the other way around. XP Glad you liked that one! Heehee, me too! It's so cute. XP Oh, he is. XP Ooo, secret lovers. *plays song* We are secret lovers… I'm glad you liked it!!!

Dark-and-deadly: Yeah fellow ZoTash fan! *high fives* I'm glad. Thanks!!!

Three-days-late: Of course it hasn't! ^^ No, they don't; it's sad. T_T Woot! You bet he is. Zeff be pimpin'. XD Thanks! ^^ Yeah. In a weird, messed up, murderous way. XP Yeah, they crack me up. XD YOU BET IT IS!!! *hyper from the promise of muffins tomorrow, XP* Thanks! You rekindled my love for that little darlin'. ^^ Heee, he is. ^^ YES, IT'S AMAZING!!! XD And no, she doesn't. She's totally ignored, poor thing. T_T Cool, isn't it? XD I bet it is… -_- Normal cards can't handle his level of SUPER! XP They're great, aren't they? ^^ YOU BET HE IS!!! I had to give Brooky some love. ^^ CUZ HE'S ADOWIBBLE! XD

Starry-Night-11.0: Thanks! Glad you liked it! ^^ Yes, it's fluffy tastic. ^^ I love when they stalk Vivi, heehee. XD It would be… T_T It is! Most messed up relationship EVER! XD EVERYONE loves Chopper. No one can deny it. *huggles Chopper* ^^ She's cute, no? XD YEEEAAAH!!! *high five* It's awesome, right? XD But he has no blood! SKULL JOKE! XD It's too cute! And Ben is just win. ^^ Haha, that's what I was thinking at the time. XD

Bakura From School: Thanks! Heee, I love my main ships, I do. ^^ They are FTW!!! XD Awww, thanks. You make me blush. *^^* I considered an Olympic one, but did I actually watch them much? No. *is hit with shoe*

Yumi: 1) THAAAAANKS!!!! ^^ Oo, so you like the AceMere? I did, too. ^^ WiperxConis is awesome. ^^ Yeah ShanksxMakino! XD That's okay, read it when you know about Rayleigh and Shakky (though I didn't ruin much, XP). 2) Ahhh, excellent theory! I should have thought of that. XP Awwww, thanks! You're too sweet. ^^ Yeah! Go, go, go! Learn them all! ^^ Okay, I'll try to do that (I realize I am a bit lazy on physical details, XP). It's all good; TB is my favorite arc for about a million reasons. XD 3) Heeeheehee, I feel accomplished. ^^

IzumiTheMoogle: That's fine, it's all good. ^^ Thanks! (aww, I like them. XP) Yeah, Smoker would be like, WTF? And SmoTash is my alternate Tashigi pairing, soo… yeah. XD Yeah, I miss him, too!!! *wails* It is strange, I'll admit, but I like it. ^^ THANK YOUUUU!!!

Gree: Yup. I have a mind like a steel trap (actually can't remember what she had for breakfast). ^^ Glad you liked it! XD


	30. Emergency Operation

**Hey guys, I'm waaaaay behind on review replies! If you've reviewed Kiss Kiss, Room for Two, A Chef's Hands, Gives You Hell, Nami's Christmas Carol, or any of the thirty fics challenges since my last update of those, and I haven't replied, and you happen to know this offhand, PLEASE TELL ME so I can get those replied to without spamming people. ^^ If you don't remember, don't sweat it. It's not like I expect you to dig through your inbox for me.**

**On a side note, I've never replied to reviews for The Hook, Chalk, or Claustrophobia, because I didn't know how to at first and since then I just haven't. *shrugs* BUT KNOW I LOVE YOU FOREVER FOR REVIEWING IF YOU HAVE! ^^**

Title: Emergency Operation

Rating: M for blood and grossness

Characters: Sanji, Zoro

Pairings: None

Timeframe: Post-Enies AT LEAST, probably post-current events

Notes: Hi guys! Guess what? I LIVE! ^^ First of all, about the fic: this is an unanon from the opfanforall on LiveJournal that I did several months ago for the following prompt:

_Sanji has to use one of his kitchen knives to cut Zoro open and remove something that's not supposed to be there in order to save his life. It can focus more on what's going on in Sanji's (or Zoro's) head than the actual cutting. I would love some worried, cursing, angry Sanji and almost dead Zoro._

I did my best to deliver! It was kind of a difficult fic, but it was lots of fun to write! (Despite the gore, heh heh…) I hope you guys enjoy!

On a side note, I'm sure some of you have noticed the 30 pieces stuff coming out from various authors and are wondering, "Oi, Dandy, where's you new fic-a-day thing?" Well, unfortunately, I didn't finish in time this time around. T_T But I DO have 14 fics done, and am still working on it! I may start posting them sometime soon, but for now I'm just chugging along…

Summary: Sanji didn't know what that big shard of metal was, but he DID know that Zoro needed it OUT, and soon.

* * *

**Emergency Operation**

By Dandy Wonderous

Sanji tosses the last of the marines overboard. He scowls down at the ones still conscious, dragging their not-so-lucky friends back toward the other ship, and lights a victory cigarette. He looks back over his shoulder, wonders how the marimo fared; he hasn't seen him in awhile, not since the bastards first came aboard the moored ship they were in charge of guarding.

He walks back across the ship, shoes making a soft thumping noise on the lawn. It's hard to see in the deepening twilight, but he knows there is blood on the grass, and that makes it slick, and a few times his shoe slips rather than steps across the blades, so that he glides more than walks.

There's a trail of blood that is especially thick, and he finds himself following it almost subconsciously.

It leads him up to the front of the ship, and it is there he finds Zoro. The swordsman is laying on his back, breathing heavily. There is a mess of bodies around him, and Sanji casually punts them all into the water before coming over to the prone figure.

He sees that there is a large piece of iron lodged in Zoro's gut. He's not sure where it came from, or how the idiot managed to get it stuck in him like that, but he is sure that it needs to come out.

He kneels down next to Zoro, tossing his cigarette butt to the waves as he does so. "Hey, marimo; what the hell happened to you?"

Zoro is panting, and there is a slight wheeze to that pant. He opens his eyes, and they're glazed over with pain and blood loss, yet still somehow alert.

"Nngh…" is all he can reply with before he convulses sharply, coughs ripping through his throat, accompanied by blood.

Sanji stiffens as he watches. Zoro's hands claw at the boards and then grow still. He sinks back against the deck, eyes shut again. He's still wheezing.

"Get it out," he manages.

Sanji looks down at the metal where it extends grotesquely from his stomach. It looks like it might have been a piece of some kind of missile that exploded upon contact with the deck. It's fairly flat, and looks like it might be round, like a disc. Zoro's skin opens like a rift around it, and he can see muscle wet with hot blood around the edges. He leans over and realizes that steam is rising, caressing his face in morbid fashion.

"Out," Zoro insists again, as though Sanji didn't catch it the first time.

Sanji's stomach churns, and he really wishes he hadn't.

Maybe they could just wait for Chopper… but who knows when the others will be back? If he didn't take the shrapnel out now, he wouldn't be able to bandage Zoro's wounds, and he might very well bleed to death if left like this.

Well, if the metal really _is_ round, it should come right out. _Maybe this won't be too bad._

Sanji grits his teeth and grips the metal as tightly as he can. He looks back at Zoro's face, considers, then pulls the white sword out of his normally viselike grip and places the hilt between his teeth.

"Ready?"

Zoro nods.

Sanji nods back and yanks sharply on the metal.

Zoro lets out a strangled growl of discomfort, and the metal barely budges.

Sanji's brow furrows. _That… should have pulled right out._

A feeling of panicked dread starts to settle over him, but he keeps it off his face and looks back at Zoro. "I'm gonna try again. Ready?"

Zoro nods again.

Sanji takes a deep breath and pulls.

The shrapnel moves ever so little, and Sanji can feel it catch, like it's hooked on something. Blood splashes up from the wound, flecking his suit, his hands, his face with red. Zoro can't help but yell out in pain around the hilt gripped mercilessly in his teeth.

Sanji's eye widens. The metal is not round, like he had hoped. It is barbed, and now it is hooked into Zoro's innards.

Anymore yanking could kill him.

He jerks away from the swordsman, panic and bile and heartbeat all rising. He almost ripped his nakama's insides to shreds. He almost killed him.

"Cook…"

He looks hesitantly back at Zoro's face.

"Out."

It is a tired command, one given by a man who doesn't care, who just wants the damn metal gone.

Sanji nods numbly and staggers to his feet. With one last glance at the shrapnel, he lurches away, drunkenly, toward the galley.

He stumbles across the room, pausing when he almost collapses to grasp a chair back for support. He can't believe what he is about to do. He is about to operate on one of his nakama. Something he has only done to fish.

Fish that are dead.

He squeezes the chair until his knuckles turn white, fighting back the wave of nausea.

Zoro is not a dead fish.

He has never had to gut a fish and keep it alive before.

Taking several deep breaths to calm himself, he straightens back up and crosses the rest of the dining room to Chopper's sick bay.

Inside, he finds the surgical tools that he will need. A scalpel, most importantly. He weighs it in his hand. The blade is so unfamiliar to him, so alien. He fumbles with it, akin to a young child with their first pencil. But this work is too delicate for sloppy handwriting.

Sanji puts the scalpel back and returns to his kitchen, stands and looks at his knife rack.

His prized collection. Superior at skinning, chopping, gutting, filleting… but completely untested at surgery.

Still, he knows these tools. He knows how to handle them.

He selects a carving knife, this one more dear to him than the others. It was one of Zeff's, given to him on his sixteenth birthday, though the old man had tried to pretend that it wasn't a gift at all. He holds it, hefts the familiar weight.

He only uses it on special occasions.

This should count.

Sanji starts to leave the galley when the nausea comes back. He stops and lets his head rest against the cool countertop, gripping the knife and taking deep, slow breaths.

_I can't do this._

He is not a doctor. He is a cook. He can't cut into one of his nakama. And even if he can, he can't put them back together after.

_I _have_ to do this._

Straightening and shaking his head to clear it, Sanji wipes any trace of fear or panic off his face and walks back out to Zoro. He can't let the marimo see his unease, doesn't want that hanging over him.

He kneels once more next to the swordsman. Zoro's eyes are shut and his breathing is labored. Sanji grits his teeth and examines the wound again. Why didn't he think to sterilize the blade before he came back?

"Bastard," he curses, unsure if his anger is directed at Zoro, the marines, or himself.

He decides that the knife is kept clean enough and rips off the tattered, bloodstained rag that only an hour ago was Zoro's shirt. His torso is bruising an ugly purple black that shows the proof of Sanji's earlier carelessness.

"Shit," Sanji mutters, staring at it. "Bastard," he repeats.

Zoro isn't really paying attention to him anymore. His head is back, eyes closed, his breathing harsh around the sword hilt. Sanji really doesn't like the sheen of sweat on his brow, or the dried blood trail from the corner of his mouth down to his jaw line. Doubt hangs tangibly in the air as he stares uncertainly at the wound. What if he cuts something he shouldn't? He's already royally screwed up Zoro's insides, and then he didn't have a knife in his hand.

But Zoro's desperate command still echoes in his head, and he knows he's going to have to try. He takes a few breaths, eye closed, and tries to calm the trembling in his hands. Then he raises the knife above the wound, trying to remember anything about first aid he might have learned and drawing a complete blank.

He remembers something that he might have heard somewhere, and decides to cut in an x around the shrapnel. He presses the sharp edge of the knife against the bare skin of Zoro's stomach and takes yet another deep breath.

Then he cuts.

The pull as he slices into his nakama's flesh sickens him, and he shivers, pausing when the knife trembles with him. Zoro makes a pained noise, and Sanji has to stop completely, pulling back from his work and trying for the fiftieth time not to gag. He really _can't_ do this, can't gut his crewmate like a fish. The blood is too red, the flesh is too warm.

"Shit, shit, _shit_," he curses loudly, unable to look at Zoro.

"Cook."

The gruff whisper forces him to turn back just enough to see Zoro's suddenly pale face.

"What… takin'…so long?" he manages, eyes not opening.

Sanji stares at him fully for a moment, then somehow gives the ghost of a smirk. "Just trying to decide which part of you would make the best cut," he answers with a hint of normal bickering.

Now he's poised back over the wound, knife once again in hand. He slips it back in his first cut and begins again. Slowly, he makes an incision to the metal, then a mirror image on the other side. Then he completes the x.

The whole time, Zoro is trying not to scream, teeth gritting the hilt so hard Sanji can hear them grinding.

He can get inside the cut, look around. It turns his stomach violently, but he can see where the barb is hooked into something that looks suspiciously vital. Guilt surges harder than bile in Sanji's chest as he realizes it's his fault that this happened.

Gingerly, he takes hold of the barb and moves it, similar to the way he would unhook a caught fish. He remembers when he was younger and would so often rip the fish's lip on accident. He can't afford to do that now.

He pulls the barb slowly out of the muscle and whatever else it's hooked to and then raises it up out of the incisions. It comes out easier than Sanji was expecting, and for a moment relief swells in his chest, and he believes everything is going to be okay.

Then Zoro convulses with a jerk and the blood starts running.

Sanji's vision blurs with panic, and on instinct he presses his hands against the man's wound, trying to stop the bleeding. In seconds his hands are a bright crimson. His brain rushes, trying to think of a solution, and he thinks he should try sowing _something_, but he wouldn't know a thing about what he was doing, and he can't mess up Zoro's insides any further than he already has.

Zoro's breathing has become quick and desperate. Sanji worries for a second that he nicked a lung, but that should be higher up in his chest, right? He doesn't know anymore.

The blood wells more around his fingers, and Sanji's eyes are blurring with something else entirely.

"Oh God," he mutters hoarsely, leaning more into the wound in an attempt to staunch the bleeding. "Oh God, oh God…"

Zoro shudders, and this his breathing slows dramatically, getting ominously shallow.

"Damn it, marimo, don't you do this!" Sanji spits, glaring more with guilt than anger at the swordsman's wound. "Don't you dare die on me, you asshole!"

Almost as though to piss him off, Zoro's breathing lessens even more.

"Oh God, Zoro, stop it now or I'm going to kick your ass so hard-"

Zoro goes completely still.

"Oh God!" Sanji's head sinks against his hands, then jerks back up. "Damn it, shitty marimo, you better live! Shit, shit, shit!"

In a blind daze he starts trying to press the wound as close together as he can, in a last ditch effort to stop that river of blood. If Zoro dies here, it will be all his fault.

He will have killed one of his nakama.

He's still pressing and has almost given up all hope when suddenly there is a hand on his shoulder, pulling him away from Zoro's body. He fights the arm desperately. Don't they _see_? If he moves, Zoro will bleed to death!

But then his vision is filled with brown, and suddenly Chopper is there, kneeling by Zoro's body. A hush falls over the ship as the doctor checks for a pulse.

Then he starts fishing in his bag, determination in his small face, and shouts orders over his shoulder. "Robin, can you help me?"

"Certainly, Doctor-san."

Everything blurs into mere shapes and colors and no noise at all as relief floods Sanji. He doesn't know who has him, doesn't care, all that matters is that Chopper is there, and the marimo will live because Chopper is the best there is. Tears drip down off his nose and chin and he starts to bury his face in his hands, and it is then he realizes he is still gripping the knife, sanguine with Zoro's blood. He throws it away from himself, and it skids across the deck with a final clatter.

Someone's saying something to him, but it's just a garble in his ears. He's past the point of caring. Instead, he just sighs heavily and brings his knees up to his head and waits for Zoro to be okay again.

* * *

Sanji was standing on the deck, smoking. He'd been burning through the cigarettes faster than normal lately, it seemed.

He stared down at the deceptively calm waters of the Grand Line as they lapped against the hull, his mind on anything but waves. Zoro had finally gotten to where he could move around earlier that morning, bitching, as Sanji knew he would be, about how far behind he was in his training after three days of rest. The cook, for his part, would have been quite content if the swordsman had stayed in the medical bay for just a few more days. He had been avoiding him as best he could, shielding himself behind fawning over the girls at mealtimes so he wouldn't have to meet those dark eyes.

He didn't want to face the man he had almost killed.

Zoro didn't give him much of a choice, though.

"Hey, dartboard."

Sanji tried not to jump so obviously, but he did. He turned to the swordsman with as much of a glare as he could. "What, marimo?"

Zoro didn't answer immediately. Instead, he took a swig of his beer, and Sanji raised an eyebrow at it. "I thought Chopper said you couldn't drink yet."

Zoro waved it off. "I'll be fine."

Sanji turned back to look out at sea. "That shrapnel tore into your stomach," he said pointedly. _And I made it worse…_

Zoro shrugged. "So what? I've had worse before."

Sanji knew it was true, but still, the memory of the blood bubbling up past his hands, of that awful catch of the barb, was too sharp for him to forget. His eyes narrowed and he examined his cigarette butt with overdone curiosity.

Zoro took another gulp of beer. "Hey, cook… that barb was poisoned, you know?"

Sanji's head jerked around sharply, shocked. "It was?"

"Yeah." Zoro drank his beer as though it was of little consequence. "If you hadn't of done what you did, I would have been dead before Chopper got there."

Sanji's eye widened, but he quickly looked away. "Oh really?" he said, faking nonchalance.

"Yeah."

The cook was silent for a minute. "You almost bled to death," he pointed out finally.

"But I didn't."

"Only because Chopper got there first."

"So things worked out."

Sanji smirked and flicked his spent cigarette out into the ocean. "Yeah… Yeah, I guess they did."

Zoro drained his beer and turned to leave. "I guess I'm saying… thanks, dartboard."

Sanji watched him go, stiff but still alive.

He shook his head and went to cook supper.

**The End**

* * *

A/N: Hope you guys weren't TOO grossed out! ^^

**Reader Review Corner for "Sanji and the Hypnodisc"!**

Abra Cadaverous: Uhhh… kay. XP Nah, I love her, too. ^^ Yeah, he IS a bit scary when cranky, but it's not that bad. XD Of course it is! But I will only if I have a good idea. XP

Blue Haven: YOU BET YOUR BUNS I DO! XD I'm glad you enjoyed it! Hypnotism is fun for everyone! And yeah, poor Zoro was even more lost than usual. XD Hey, he has his moments of brilliance (though they are few and far between, heehee!). Aww, yeah. But yay group hugs! I'm glad you felt better after that! Yep, Usopp can't get away with anything, I'm afraid. XP Aww, glad you liked it! ^^ Thank you!

Eternitybeckons: Thank you, and glad you liked it! Sanji dancing in any way that isn't ballroom dancing is hilarious. XP Aww, thank you! ^^ Again, glad you enjoyed it! XD

Aoihand: Woot! I have a worshipper! It's just one more step toward TOTAL WORLD DOMINATION! XP Of course he is; he's just concerned about if they still care about him over there (which of course they DO, duh!). Thank you! And I want to see that, too, really bad! XD XD XD

Three-days-late: That sucks! It's so much fun! I go out like a light. XP Well, it always ends up that Sanji's enemies become friends, so it's an even trade. XP Ahaha, I'm sorry I caused you to look crazy. XD Thank you! ^^

Starry-Night-11.0: Glad you liked it! Of course Brook had to get involved, there was dancing! XD Yes they are! ^^

Holly-Batali: Thank you! Yeah, but he got a group hug! ^^ Awww, thank you so much! I hope to have more for you soon! (even though I've been MIA for awhile…)

Ruby890: Thank you! I think he would be, but he would keep it hidden, like he attempts to in this fic. ^^

Naomi-chan: Thank you! ^^ Lol, they had an awesome dance party, huh? XD Yup, that was the highlight of everyone else's day right there. XP Thank you so much! ^^

AllBlueChaser: Yay! Glad you liked it! ^^ Oh yes, mind control is such a useful thing, isn't it? I love utilizing it. XD Thank you! Aha, yes, that was the thing there; Zoro was looking out for his BFF. XP And actually, Sanji probably just remembered it all (your memories of what you did while hypnotized DO come back, either right after waking or sometime later), but that could also be it! ^^ Well, of COURSE; they're the Strawhats, it's what they do! XD

Jflower: 1) Since this, I HAVE, in fact, seen The Princess and the Frog, and it IS tempting to write that request, but I have a lot of stuff to work on. Maybe someday, though, I'll try. ^^ 2) Why, thank you for your confidence in my second genning skills, but I doubt I would be THAT good, haha! *sweatdrop* But those are some interesting pairings! Maybe one day I'll give it a shot. ^^

Amethyst Turtle: You know it! XD Lol, okay, go for it! It's not like I'M objecting to that one. XP Oh yeah, the gals are trying to keep their man happy. ^^ Yes, the Hypnodisc met it's untimely end at the rubbery hands of Luffy who wanted to see how hard he could fling it against the mast, because it looked like a Frisbee. XP

Something-Cool-and-Mysterious: Hey, no sweat, I've been so busy I haven't been reviewing much of anything, much less replying! XP Awww, thank you! ^^ Haha, I share your thoughts EXACTLY on that one; I love that little blonde goofball. *huggles* Thank you so much! Aww, I'm sure it's not as bad as you think. Don't give up! You can do it! *waves pom poms*

Midnight Ghost: Thanks for reading! ^^

Taryn Streambattle: Thank you very much! ^^

Pom Rania: Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it! ^^

If you've reviewed an earlier chapter, I will reply soon, promise! ^^

This is Dandy Wonderous, who did, in the end, graduate high school (amazingly), signing off.


	31. The Cave In

Title: The Cave-in

Rating**:** K+ (language)

Characters: Sanji, Usopp, Nami

Pairings: None

Timeframe: Post-Water 7, pre-Shabondy Archipeligo

Notes: I wrote this for Sybile, awesome OP writer/artist extraordinaire, for her birthday last year. It's based of a picture she drew of Sanji saving Usopp and Nami from dying in a cave in. This is my story of what happened around it.

She said later she was actually thinking it would be more SaNa oriented but I went with Sanji/Usopp friendship because I love bros.

Summary: Sanji saves Usopp and Nami. It is then up to Usopp and Nami to save him.

…

"Kayaku boshi!"

The marine yelped as the exploding star slammed into his chest in a blaze of fire. He hit the ground flailing, and one of his buddies, sporting a limp, yanked him from the floor and dragged him along. Usopp laughed in triumph, throwing his head back.

"Ahahahaha! That's right, run from the awesome might of… Caaaaptain Usopp-sama!" he cried dramatically, tossing more pellets into his slingshot. "Sanren kayaku boshi!"

The three exploding stars tormented a few marines who were looking to sneak up on Nami. The navigator was holding her own, grinning impishly at marines who swung their swords into her, only to disappear at the touch, just before a shock of electricity would shoot through them. Usopp looked away to where Sanji was fighting, and was unsurprised to see him smoking a cigarette nonchalantly as his kicks flew, several marines with all kinds of injuries fleeing from him, dragging unconscious companions with them.

The marines had only _thought _that backing the three pirates into the abandoned temple would give them an advantage, but they had sorely underestimated the three. Really, it had been the trio, all strategically gifted in their own way, who had been laying the trap, Nami and Usopp taking advantage of the cover given by rubble and pillars while Sanji jumped straight into the thick of things, the tight space forcing the bulk of the marines within easy reach of his deadly shoes.

Usopp had been a bit nervous when Nami had first suggested this plan, but he knew she would get her way, especially with Sanji wholeheartedly agreeing with her. And he was pleased to find that he only felt his normal battle fear; these marines were far weaker than most of the horrors they had encountered, and while he wasn't nearly as excited as the Monster Trio, he at least wasn't terrified.

And anyway, they were winning; just look at those marines turn tail and run!

"Ahahaha!" Usopp laughed again as the last of them suddenly started looking around fearfully and running without even engaging the pirates. "Cowards! That's right, run as fast as you can from the fearful Caaaptain-"

"That was weird," interrupted Nami, and he realized that all the marines were now gone and his nakama were completely ignoring him. He sighed in dejection and wandered to stand next to them in the middle of the room. "The last of them didn't even bother; they just ran away."

"Yeah," agreed Sanji, brow creased. He was staring after the marines, his confusion getting momentarily in the way of his love-sickness. "I wonder why…"

"The great Captain Usopp was just too much for them," Usopp bragged, and got a glare from Sanji in return.

"It's almost like they were… afraid of something," Nami mused. "Something other than us, I mean."

"Nami-san is so perceptive!" As mentioned, it was only _momentarily _forgotten.

"A-afraid of something… not us?" Usopp repeated, looking around nervously, as though expecting some big, frightening monster to come out of the shadows.

Dirt suddenly started spilling onto Sanji's head, and he cursed and stepped out from under it. Then something that looked suspiciously like plaster began falling from the roof, and the blond held out a hand as though checking for rain, before slowly looking up. The other two looked up with him.

There was a giant crack running through the stone, many branches stemming from it, and it was quickly getting wider.

"Well, that can't be good," Sanji observed.

Then the roof caved in on them.

…

When he didn't feel the crushing weight of thousands of pounds of stone and marble beating down on him after over a minute, Usopp managed to open one eye hesitantly, to see if the cave-in had stopped or was simply unnaturally slow.

The first thing he realized was that he was neither squashed nor in heaven, and that he was cowering in a rather undignified position on the floor. He could see Nami sprawled across the ground not too far away, head down, with Sanji in-between the two of them, crouched on his hands and knees. He was gratified to see that the chef, too, had made protecting his head a priority…

Wait. Had he?

Usopp realized that the cook had one foot extended straight up in the air, holding up the crumbled bits of ceiling bearing down on them.

That was why they weren't flat as pancakes now.

"Sanji-kun!" Nami had looked up as well, gaping somewhat at him.

Sanji immediately began looking her over for injuries. "Are you okay, Nami-san? Was I in time? You're not hurt, are you?"

"I'm fine," she assured him, giving herself a once over. Then she looked back at the cook, bewildered. "Sanji-kun, how are you doing that?"

"This? It's no problem, Nami-san."

"Wow. That's incredible!"

Sanji's eyes sparkled; to be getting praise from such a beauty! He would gladly bear the weight of a hundred cave-ins if it meant this woman would say such sweet things!

"Yeah, thanks, Sanji!" said Usopp, getting up slowly and dusting off his knees. Sanji's head whipped around to him, and he muttered, "Oh, you're okay, too," though Usopp could see his eye checking him for injuries.

Nami stood up as well, brushing dust off her clothes and fixing where the strap of her tank top had slipped. "Can you get out of there, Sanji-kun?"

"Uh…"

They watched as Sanji started to lower his foot. The rocks rumbled in protest, and fell a terrifying three inches before his leg was stopping them again.

"It looks like that might be a problem," he admitted almost sheepishly.

"Hmm…" Nami looked around the small opening and then grinned suddenly, pointing. "Look, Usopp! Light!"

Usopp looked, and sure enough, there was light filtering in from further along, above a large pile of rubble. "If we climb that rubble, we can get out!" he cheered in excitement.

Nami nodded, then looked down at Sanji. "Will you be okay until I get Zoro and Luffy?"

"For you, Nami-san, I would gladly hold this rock for a thousand lifetimes!" he cooed.

"I'll try not to take _that_ long," she promised, giving him a reassuring smile. "They shouldn't be too far away; just hold on until I get back, and they'll help you out."

"Nami-san is so beautiful and considerate!"

She nodded in determination and ran for the way out, calling, "I'll be back soon, and thank you, Sanji-kun!"

"Mellorine!" the blonde called after her, grinning broadly. Then his smile started to droop and he lowered his head again.

Usopp was watching as Nami clambered up the rubble, wondering if he should follow or stay with Sanji. He was about to settle on moving to a safer part of the cave when suddenly the man spoke.

"You should leave, too, Usopp."

"Eh?" Usopp looked down at him in confusion. "Why?"

Sanji's head was still bowed, so the sniper couldn't read his expression, but his answer was more of a strained grunt than anything. "Safer."

"Huh? What do you…"

That was when Usopp noticed it; the almost imperceptible shake in Sanji's arms, the slight quiver of his leg where it held the rock. He gazed at the "roof" over them and realized just how much weight his nakama was holding right now.

There was no way Sanji could keep it up, not for long. And the moment he moved, the second his foot came down, so would the rocks, and he would be crushed.

The only reason he could stand it now was because Usopp was in danger. But once he left…

"What the hell are you waiting for, shitty longnose?" Sanji demanded. "Get going!"

"…No. I think I'm going to stay here. Keep you company."

Sanji's head whipped around to glare at him, looking positively furious. "You're going to _what_!"

Usopp sat down resolutely on the ground next to Sanji, even as his survival instincts begged him to hightail it out of there immediately. Forcing himself to ignore his fear, he folded his arms and looked right back into Sanji's eye. "I'm staying," he repeated. "Look, my I-can't-stay-in-a-scary-cave-in-or-I'll-die disease isn't even acting up."

Now Sanji was completely enraged, and Usopp knew it was only the rock saving him from having a foot shoved down his throat. "Damn it, Usopp, if you don't get the hell out of here right now-"

"No. I'm not leaving a nakama behind."

For a second, Sanji was silent at that. Then he gritted his teeth and looked away. "Shit-head, don't you get it? I… I can't hold the rock long enough. They won't get here in time."

Usopp knew it was hard for Sanji to admit he couldn't do something, so they were really in big trouble. But while his cowardice begged him to leave now, the rest of him was even more determined to stay until Luffy and Zoro arrived.

"I'm going to tell you a story," he announced suddenly. One curly eyebrow raised incredulously. "To keep your mind off of this." He waved at the rocks.

"A story?" Sanji repeated. "Damn it, shitty longnose, I don't want to listen to your shit-story, I want you _out of here_."

"Once, a long time ago, in a far away kingdom," Usopp began, ignoring his protests, "there lived a beautiful princess. She had hair that flowed like ripe oranges, eyes a rich hot chocolate brown, and skin like fresh cream." Normally, he wouldn't have described the princess in such detail, but he assumed Sanji would appreciate it. The food metaphors seemed appropriate.

"Usopp, I'm telling you to _get out_," Sanji growled, but he looked a bit interested despite himself. A bead of sweat rolled down his forehead, and he shook it off impatiently.

"And _I'm_ telling you a story," he countered cheekily, already knowing there would mushrooms in his dinner tonight, should Sanji live to cook dinner… but of course he would, the Great Captain Usopp would save him!

"The princess was world renowned for her beauty, and she had suitors coming everyday from far and wide, seeking her hand. But she rejected them all, because none of them cared about her for _herself_. And because none of them were rich enough and wanted her money for their own," he added after some consideration. "Anyway, the king ordered her to choose one, but she refused, so he had her locked away from the world until he found one for her himself."

"Bastard," Sanji muttered, staring down at the ground, and Usopp wondered in amusement if he meant him or the king.

"From then on, the only contact the princess had with anyone was through her servants, one of which included a young but masterful chef who cooked her meals. He was smart and very handsome, if a little goofy around girls."

He eyed Sanji warily, but could see the edge of a grin poking from beneath the fringe of bang, so he took it as a good sign. Smiling himself, he continued the tale.

"The princess would talk to the cook because she had no one else to talk to, at first. He was a swooning idiot, but she got used to it. And after awhile, he stopped being so goofy and she started to like him more." He wondered if Sanji would get the hint in that, but continued without pause. "And though the cook didn't have much money, the princess found herself falling in love.

"Meanwhile, the king was searching desperately for a suitor for his daughter. He had a few picked out, but he wasn't sure which one to choose, so he decided to set up a contest for the three he believed were the best.

"The princess, appalled that her husband was about to be chosen by such means, immediately made a deal with her father; that she could choose one contestant who would also fight for her hand. Her father was delighted enough that she had taken an interest in one of the suitors, so he readily agreed.

"Imagine his surprise when the contestant she chose… was the cook."

Usopp paused to give Sanji a quick glance over; the cook was panting a bit and the shaking in his arms and leg was worse, but he was otherwise holding up without complaint. The sniper couldn't hear anything outside, though, and he began to worry that maybe they really _wouldn't_ make it in time.

No, they would. They _had _to.

"The next day, the four suitors appeared before the king. The first of his choosing was a strong man with incredibly long earlobes. The second was a tall man with a long mustache and a wolfish look about him. And the third was a blonde man who looked like he'd been pieced together from different animals with needle and thread."

Sanji growled low, remembering the exact three Usopp was referring to. The sniper shuddered at the pure hatred he was exuding and continued with a slight shake in his voice.

"A-and the fourth, of course, was the cook, who had agreed to the challenge to save his dear princess from having to marry a man she did not love.

"The king stood before them and announced that there would be three tests; a test of strength, a test of wisdom, and a test of… Oi, are you okay?"

Sanji's trembling had increased alarmingly, and there was a slight but noticeable wheeze to his panting. "My leg, it… Usopp, you have to get out of here," he gasped.

"Your leg," Usopp repeated, getting hastily to his feet. For a second, Sanji looked relieved, thinking the sniper was finally going to leave.

Then Usopp took his leg in his hands and held onto it, story forgotten for now. "Does it hurt?"

Scowling in annoyance, Sanji nodded. Usopp nodded back, though he couldn't see, and gripped it tighter. "Would it feel better if you put up your other leg and shifted the weight?"

The blond considered a second. "That… yeah, that could work," he finally conceded. "But getting my other leg up without dropping the rocks will be the hard part."

"Okay." Usopp braced himself, pushing Sanji's leg into the rock as much as he could and courteously ignoring the other's pained flinch. "I'll hold this leg, and you bring the other up."

Sanji gave him a determined nod and slowly pushed his other leg up, his considerably strong abs helping him unfold into a handstand. Usopp could feel the pressure the man was putting on the leg he held ease up, so he quickly put more of his own weight into holding it.

Then, Sanji's other leg was pushing up on the rock, so Usopp held it while he brought his other leg down to the ground.

"Will you be okay for a little while now?" the sniper asked hesitantly.

"Yeah," Sanji panted. "That feels better." He managed a weak smile. "Thanks."

"Y-you're welcome," he faltered slightly, not used to the temperamental man thanking him. "Now, uh, where was I…"

"Three tests?"

"Oh, right! Three tests!" Usopp chuckled self-consciously, then continued his tale.

"The king announced that there would be three tests: a test of strength, a test of wisdom, and a test of survival. Each test would be given by a master, who would choose the winner.

"The first test was to be the test of strength. The king presented the captain of the palace guard, who the cook already knew well. The two did not get along, and often had to be separated for fear they might ruin the castle after they started going at it." Usopp was gratified to hear Sanji actually snort in laughter at that.

"'I'll fight each of you,' the captain announced. 'The one who defeats me, wins.'. He walked out into the middle of the battlefield and awaited his first opponent.

"First up was the earlobe guy; he could use lightning magic. He shocked the captain many times before he could get close enough to knock him out with his swords.

"Next was the wolf man. He lied to the captain, telling him that the princess was actually his long-lost half sister and the only way he would ever get a chance to talk to her was if he won this contest, such was the throne's hatred of him. The captain wasted no time in attacking, and though the wolf man was strong, he soon was defeated.

"Next was the patchwork man. He could turn invisible, and his used this to sneak up behind the captain and attack his back unfairly. The captain, enraged that he would resort to such a dirty trick, quickly located him and had to be held back from killing him.

"Last was the cook. He didn't stall a second, jumping onto the field the second he was announced. He didn't use a single trick like the other three had; instead, he ran at the captain and launched into a frightening series of kicks. The captain blocked them all with his swords, but the fight was an even match. Eventually, the captain won, but not before a good deal of property damage had been done."

Sanji's grimace was probably due to the cook's loss to the captain, but Usopp decided to pretend that it was out of regret for damaging the ship so often in their pointless quarrels.

"After the battle, the king asked the captain who he deemed the winner. 'As much as I hate to admit it, it was the cook,' declared the captain.

"'What?' demanded the suitors, outraged. 'But he didn't defeat you!'

"'True,' agreed the captain a bit smugly. 'None of you did. But he was the only one of you who did not resort to cheap tricks to fight me, instead meeting me head-on. This makes him the strongest.' The king was most displeased, but he was sure that the cook would lose the next two tests.

"Next was a test of cunning, to be given by the king's most trusted advisor; a woman who was well-learned in history, philosophy, and law. She came forward.

"'For my test,' she began calmly, 'all you have to do is answer my question. And my question is… what is the meaning of life?'

"'Easy,' scoffed the earlobe man. 'The goal of life is to get power.'

"'Yeah!' agreed the wolf man. 'And to be stronger than everyone else!'

"'And then find a hot woman to be at your side,' finished the patchwork man.

"'And you, Mr. Cook?' asked the wise woman.

"The cook mused a minute, then answered. 'I don't think there's a single meaning to life at all, because everyone's dream is different. What you may think is the meaning to _your _life isn't the same as anyone else's.'

"'Hmm… this is quite profound of you,' said the wise woman. 'You win.'

"As before, there was a lot of protest, but the woman held firm in her verdict. The king relented, but also said that the final test would be all-or-nothing. He was _sure_ the cook would lose this one, as the test of survival was to hunt down a reindeer, and the other three were incredible trackers. Hey, Sanji, how you holding up?"

"I'm fine, I'm fine," he panted, snappish. "Will you just get on with the story?" Then he grimaced when he realized what he just said, and Usopp smiled in glee. He knew the cook loved stories about dashing heroes and princesses, and it seemed he had hit the mark this time around.

"Okay, okay. The reindeer was released, and he fled into the woods. The three ran off at the signal, splitting up as they tracked the reindeer.

"The earlobe man floated high above the forest, looking for any sign of the deer. The wolf man used his powerful nose to sniff out its trail. And the patchwork man turned invisible and began tracking the deer.

"But the cook, who knew a few things about hunting food, instead headed into the woods and made his way to a pond in a clearing. There, he waited patiently in a tree, waiting until the hiding reindeer would be forced to come by for water.

"His plan worked, and after awhile the reindeer came. The cook leapt nimbly out of the tree and approached the deer with light footsteps.

"The cook jumped forward and grabbed the deer around its middle, then was shocked when it yelped in fright. The reindeer turned into a smaller form and wiggled against the cook's hold, but he held tight.

"'Please let me go,' said the deer.

"'Sorry, but I can't,' replied the chef. 'You're to be dinner.'

"'Aah! Don't eat me!'

"The cook was a bit put off by his food talking to him, so he explained that he was trying to win the princess' hand, because he loved her, but he wouldn't eat the reindeer if he would just come back to the castle. The reindeer, eager to help the man in his quest of love, agreed.

"When the cook returned with the reindeer, the king was furious. Though the cook was the clear winner, he denied the man his daughter's hand. 'My princess won't marry a lowly cook!'

"'But I won every contest!' he protested. 'You swore that I could marry your daughter if I did!'

"'Well, too bad! I'm the king here, so _I _make the rules!'

"Just then, the princess broke onto the scene, wielding a staff, and she… she…"

Usopp trailed off as bits of rock started falling on his shoulders and head. "SANJI!" he cried out in alarm.

Sanji was shaking violently, his knee starting to buckle down. "Usopp!" he hissed out, voice strained. "Get out of here!"

"Sanji-"

"GET OUT, DAMN IT! GO!"

Usopp was torn. On one hand, every muscle in his body was screaming at him to flee, right _now_. On the other hand, he couldn't bear to leave his nakama to die in this hole.

"S-sanji," he sniffed, tears starting to roll down his face. "Just… just hold on a little longer, okay? Just a few more minutes. I'm sure… I'm sure Nami's almost back with Luffy, I'm sure."

"No." Sanji shook his head. "Usopp, _leave_."

"No, I'm not leaving you-"

"Damn it, Usopp, if I have to tell you _one more time_-"

"SAAANJIII!"

Usopp turned from where he was kneeling in front of the cook and looked up at the opening. "Oh, thank God… Luffy."

Then rubbery arms wrapped around the both of them and yanked them at rapid speeds out of the hole, just as the rocks crashed down around them.

…

"Damn it, you shitty emergency food supply! I'm_ fine_."

"Sanji, you have stress fractures in _both_ legs! That is _not_ "fine"!"

"But I can still walk, can't I?"

"Walking will just make it worse!"

"You shitty-"

"Stay off your legs for two days," Chopper snapped, folding his arms. It was, admittedly, rather intimidating, as he was in Heavy Point. "Doctor's orders." Then he reached forward and yanked the unlit cigarette from Sanji's scowl. "And no smoking in my infirmary!"

Sanji was still yelling curses after him as he went out the door and Usopp came in, carrying a steaming bowl. "Uh, dinnertime," he said hesitantly, seeing the furious look on the cook's face.

"Huh? Oh." Sanji's eye darted to the bowl. He sniffed the air. "Dumplings?"

"Yeah." Usopp walked over and handed him the food, then shifted nervously as the chef took his first bite. "…How is it?"

"Not too shitty," Sanji replied, slurping on some of the broth, and Usopp grinned, knowing it was a compliment in Sanji-speak. "Hey, you know… you never told me how that story ended."

"Oh, yeah." Usopp hadn't thought he was too concerned about hearing the rest. "Well… do you want to know?"

"Sure." The older man was trying to seem as nonchalant as possible.

"Okay!" the sniper agreed enthusiastically, excited that Sanji had seemed to enjoy the story. "The princess appeared with her staff, right? She jumped at her father and hit him in the head, yelling, 'I'll marry whoever the hell I want!'

"Then she turned to the cook. 'I have all the money from the treasury in bags,' she told him, smug. 'Help me carry them, and let's get out of here!'

"'Right away, my love!' he agreed, grabbing the bags. He grabbed the princess' hand and away they ran together, to be married and live happily ever after."

Sanji was grinning as he ate the dumplings. "And did the hero get a kiss from his princess?"

"Of course," Usopp agreed with a laugh. He didn't think he had ever seen the cook have such a violent nosebleed as when Nami gave him a peck on his dusty cheek for saving her after they were pulled out of the cave-in. "That's the "happily ever after" part."

He waited until Sanji was finished, then took the empty bowl. "Well, I better go give everyone else food," he said, standing up.

"What! You gave _me_ food before the ladies! Shithead, I'll-"

"Now, now, Sanji, c-calm down, I gave Nami and Robin food first! It's just the others I have to feed."

"Oh. Good." Sanji lowered back down onto the bed he had been halfway out of, his angry glare turning back to a normal expression. He produced a cigarette from somewhere (Usopp was amazed that he had gotten even _one_ past Chopper) and lit it with his lighter. "Well, go on, then," he said when he saw the sniper still standing there, staring at him.

"Ah, right." Usopp nodded and hurried to the door, only to stop when Sanji spoke again.

"Oi, Usopp… Thanks. For the story," he added hastily.

Usopp blinked in surprise, looking into Sanji's eye and seeing the words hadn't said. Then a huge, bright smile spread across his face.

"You're welcome."


	32. Practice

Title: Practice

Rating: K+ (cursing)

Characters: Zoro, Tashigi, Nami

Pairings: ZoroxNami, ZoroxTashigi

Timeframe: It's an AU.

Notes: Again, this is an AU fic set on modern day Earth, probably America. This was written last year for my friend Abra's birthday. ZoNa is her OTP and she dislikes ZoroxTashigi, so I decided to have some fun teasing her.

Summary: Zoro tells Tashigi he loves her… but he's dating Nami!

…

"I wanted to tell you… I've never felt this way about anyone before, definitely not any other woman. I want to be with you… forever. And I want you to be with me. Please. I love you. I love you more than anything."

Nami's jaw dropped. Zoro was holding _her_ hands, staring into _her _eyes, saying those words so tenderly to _her_… Like a dream come true. She couldn't believe it.

How could she have been so _stupid_?

"You… you… BASTARD!"

Zoro looked away from Tashigi but didn't react nearly quick enough; Nami's fist connected with his jaw at near-light speed, sending him thudding against the dojo floor. He looked up at her, eyes wide in shock. "Nami-" he began, trying to placate her.

"Don't you "Nami" me!" she spat, hands on her hips. "I come over to surprise my boyfriend on our anniversary, and _this_ is what I find! You, pledging love to ANOTHER WOMAN!"

"Miss Nami!" cried Tashigi, putting a hand on her arm. "He wasn't-AAH!"

Nami whirled on her and shoved the police officer to the ground. "YOU don't talk to me, man-stealing whore!" she shrieked. "I can't believe you did this!"

"Nami, really, it's not what you-AUGH!"

The infuriated weatherwoman kicked him swiftly in the balls with her sandaled foot, causing him to curl in on himself in pain. She stared down at him, eyes flashing dangerously, but then they filled with tears.

"You… you…" She stopped speaking and whirled on her heels. "Never speak to me again," she hissed finally, voice hoarse. Then she walked briskly out of the dojo.

Outside, the thunder rolled, and rain started to pour down.

…

TWENTY MINUTES EARLIER…

"Ow! Damn, woman, you really caught my side…"

Tashigi laughed, holding out her hand. "Are you okay, Zoro-sensei?"

"Yeah, yeah." He accepted her hand and got to his feet. "Alright, let's go again."

"Are you sure, sensei?" She glanced at the clock. "It's five o'clock; our session is over."

"Huh?" He looked up at the clock, and sure enough, it was five o'clock. "Oh. Well, then… good lesson." He tossed his practice sword to the side, then grabbed a towel and started to wipe sweat off his face and neck. "You did some good sparring today."

Tashigi grabbed her own towel, smiling at him. "I didn't do much better than last time. But you left some strange openings. You seemed distracted."

"What?" He blinked at her a moment. "Oh sorry, what was that?"

She laughed. "See, that's what I'm talking about. Is something wrong?"

"No, not really." He rubbed the back of his head nervously. "It's just that… well, it's mine and Nami's anniversary today."

"Really?" Tashigi looked excited. "Two years, right?"

"Yep. We're going out to dinner."

"That's nice. Ah, sensei, have you seen-"

"On top of your purse."

"Oh, thanks." She grabbed her glasses and put them on. "Anything planned other than dinner?"

Zoro choked on his drink of water. "N-not r-r-really," he spluttered.

She laughed. "Are you sure?"

He cleared his throat nervously. "Well, uh… I, uh… I got her this." He grabbed something out of his bag and thrust it at her without looking.

Tashigi skipped over and took it; a small box. She opened it and gasped. "A ring?"

He nodded.

"Awww!" Tashigi clasped her hands together. "You're going to propose on your anniversary? How sweet!"

Zoro rubbed the back of his head. "I guess so."

"Hmm?"

"I'm not… sure…" He turned on her suddenly, with a look in his eyes she had never seen on her sensei. Was it… desperation?

"How do you propose to a girl?"

Tashigi blinked a few times, then flushed a little. "Well, I'm… not really an expert, but-"

"Yeah, but you're a girl, right?" Tashigi raised an eyebrow. "Don't women eat this stuff up?"

"Well… maybe so." She grinned, excited again. "Have you thought of anything to say yet?"

"Okay." Zoro took a deep breath, then grabbed Tashigi's hands. "This is what I've got."

He took another breath.

"Nami. I love you. Marry me."

Tashigi stared at him silently for so long that he started to sweat. "What?"

"That's _it_?"

"Eh!"

She popped him on the head. "That's the most unromantic thing I've ever heard!" Then she blushed and bowed quickly. "I mean that with the deepest respect, of course, Zoro-sensei."

Zoro cringed. "It's fine. Was it really… that bad?"

"Well… yes, it was really that bad."

He dropped her hand and sighed. "This is hopeless. Maybe I should just-"

"No!" Tashigi grabbed both his hands in hers and stared hard into his eyes. "You want to do this, right?"

"Well, yes, but-"

"Then you have to speak from your heart!"

"Have you been taking lessons from Luffy?"

"Just listen to me, okay? You can do this! Now. Pretend I'm Nami."

He tilted his head. "But… you've got blue hair, and hers is red-"

She smacked him again. "Focus! _I'm_ Nami. Now, let's try again." She smiled up at him. "I'm having a wonderful time tonight, Zoro."

"You don't sound a thing like-"

"FOCUS!" She smacked him once more.

"Okay, _now_ I believe you." He took a moment, eyes closed, then nodded slowly. "Nami."

"Oooooh wow."

He opened his eyes. "What?"

"I got chills."

"Is that bad?"

"No, no, trust me; it's a good start."

"Okay… Nami," he repeated. "I wanted to tell you… I've never felt this way about anyone before, definitely not any other woman. I want to be with you… forever. And I want you to be with me. Please. I love you. I love you more than anything."

"You… you… BASTARD!"

The next few minutes happened so fast, Zoro was barely able to follow them. But, finally, he found himself flat on his ass, Nami storming away.

Outside, the thunder rolled, and rain started to pour down.

For a moment, Zoro could only sit and stare, confused and heartbroken, at the doorway. Then, suddenly, Tashigi was standing over him, holding the ring box.

"I think you're going to need this."

…

Nami walked almost blindly through the rain, not even bothering to fish the umbrella out of her purse. She couldn't believe she had been so stupid. How had she not seen the _signs_? Thinking back now, it was so _obvious_!

Okay, so not really _that_ obvious… in fact, she couldn't remember anything that could mean he was cheating on her. But still, there he had been with Tashigi… It must have been really easy to see her without Nami knowing; she was in the dojo every other day, after all. One of his best students, wasn't that what he said? Reminded him of Kuina, the girl he had known so many years ago… She had always thought he talked about her too much.

Although, that had only been because she and Tashigi were friends and she would ask about her…

Nami clenched her fists. The suddenness of it all… the way he had hidden it so well… the way she'd had no idea… it only infuriated her more.

"NAMI!"

She refused to turn around, tensing.

"NAMI!" His pounding footsteps were getting closer. She kept walking.

"NAMI! Please, wait!" He caught up with her, grabbed her arm, tried to turn her around.

She yanked her arm away. "Don't touch me!" she snapped.

"Nami, it wasn't what you thought it was. I promise." He darted in front of her and put his hands on her shoulders. "Please stop!"

She stopped, mostly because she wasn't getting past the solid wall of muscle. "What." She folded her arms.

Zoro panted a moment, gathering himself. "Listen, it wasn't what you thought. I wasn't saying that stuff to Tashigi. I was…" He sighed, looking away nervously. "I was saying it to you."

She quirked an eyebrow. "To me. Right." She tried to push around him. "Let me go, Zoro."

"No." If anything, he gripped her shoulders tighter. "I'm serious. Nami, I love you."

"Yeah, and Tashigi, and probably every other-"

"What, did I suddenly get blonde hair and a curly eyebrow?" He shook his head. "Nami, you know me. When have I ever shown interest in a girl who wouldn't kiss me after getting all over my ass about a loan?"

"So I'm the _only _one?" she hissed, narrowing her eyes.

"Yes!"

"Prove it."

He stared at her a moment, then sighed. "Well, this isn't exactly the way I wanted to do this, but…"

Nami's eyes widened as he reached into his pocket, pulled out a small box, and opened it, revealing a large, glittering diamond. He got down on one knee.

"Nami, I love you. _Just_ you. I've never felt this way before, ever." He swallowed. "Marry me?"

For a moment, she only gaped at him, the rain pouring down, while Zoro awaited his fate. Then, she knelt down and cupped his face in her hands.

"Then why were you saying all that to Tashigi?" she asked softly.

He grinned. "Practice."

"Practice?"

A shrug. "I'm not good at this mushy stuff."

"I know." She leaned her forehead against his. "You're sure?"

"Yes." His grin widened. "Promise."

She laughed lightly, wrapping her arms around his shoulders. She leaned closer, and brought her lips to his.

"Then I say yes, idiot. Yes, yes, yes."

He chuckled and slipped the ring on her finger. "Happy anniversary, Nami."

She answered him with another kiss.

**The End**

**Omake:**

"So how_ were _you going to ask me to marry you?"

"Something like, "I love you. Marry me.""

"…That's _it_?"

"Pretty much. …OW! Damn it, why'd you hit me?"

"That's the most unromantic thing ever!"

"What, do you women take a class in this or something?"

"No, but _you_ sure could have used a class. Why didn't you ask Sanji or someone?"

"What! Curlybrow? Why would I ask _him _for help?"

"At least_ he _knows how to be romantic."

"Oh, well, I'm sorry. Why don't you marry _him_ instead?"

"Nah. I think I'll keep you."

"Hunh."

"Especially since this way, I _know_ you'll eventually pay off your debt."

"Tch. Remind me why I-mmph. …Hey, stop kissing me while I'm-mmph. …I'm trying to be mad here, woman!"

"I know."

"…Think you can shut me up again?"

"Haha, sure."


	33. The Saved Contemplate the Savior

Title: The Saved Contemplate the Savior

Rating: K

Characters: Usopp, Nami, Zoro, Sanji

Pairings: None

Timeframe: Post-Thriller Bark, pre-crew separation

Notes: This is an un-anon from something I wrote a long time ago for the OP Fanforall. The prompt was for a fic where some of the other crewmembers contemplate Sanji's sacrificing nature. Like I could pass that up. XD

Summary: Why do you think he does it?

…

"Why do you think he does it?" Usopp asked, so out of the blue that Nami could only look up from her magazine and gawk at him for a minute.

"…Who?" she finally asked.

"Sanji," Usopp clarified.

Nami blinked at him, then looked over at the railing. Said cook was leaning with his good arm on the rail, his other arm up in a sling. He was lazily smoking a cigarette, which prompted Chopper to run over and yell at him that he shouldn't be smoking, shouldn't even be out on the deck in his condition, and Sanji would have kicked him for that comment if his leg hadn't been in such a heavy cast. After a minute of bickering, Chopper grew into his Heavy Point and dragged the protesting man back into the galley by his shoulders.

"…Because he's addicted to the nicotine?" she finally suggested, confused by what Usopp meant.

Usopp studied Kabuto thoughtfully, rolling a screwdriver around in his hand. "Not that. I mean… why does he…" He trailed off, motioning at his arm and leg.

"Oh." Realization dawned. "You mean, why does he jump between people and danger all the time, right?"

"Yeah. Right." Usopp became even more interested in his screwdriver. "I mean, he wouldn't have those injuries if he hadn't stayed back to hold those marines off."

Nami sighed, knowing too well exactly what Usopp meant. The building had been collapsing, but still Sanji had stayed, to ensure the other two would make it out okay. They had been lucky to find him in the rubble afterward, even more lucky that the worst of his injuries were the broken arm and leg and several broken ribs. Even _luckier_ that he had been alive at all.

Disgruntled, and not really wanting to deal with the guilt on such a nice day, she looked back at her magazine, not reading the words. "It's just his chivalry, that's all. He can't see anything happen to me or Robin."

"But that doesn't explain why he tried to save me," Usopp pointed out.

"Well, you just happened to be there."

"Oi." Usopp gave her a slightly wounded, annoyed look, then looked back down at the lawn. "Well, even if you hadn't been there… if it had been me and Franky or Chopper… I still think he would have done it."

Nami contemplated this, though she pretended to be reading her magazine instead. "Hmm… maybe. Maybe not."

"It has nothing to do with his damn chivalry."

The two turned, startled, to look at Zoro, who was leaning back against the cabin wall in the shade. He looked like he was asleep, but there was no other possible place that rough voice could have come from.

"Oh yeah? Then what do you think it is?" Nami huffed.

The swordsman's eye twitched slightly, then, reluctantly, he opened his eyes. "I think it's all the cook's pride."

"His pride," the other two echoed, skeptical.

"Yeah." Zoro nodded. "He wants to be the hero, right? So much that he has to be sacrificial every chance he gets. It's more… heroic." Satisfied that his piece was said, he closed his eyes again.

But that wasn't going to cut it. "So you're saying Sanji-kun does it for praise?" Nami clarified.

Zoro thought this over. He remembered a shaky blonde, barely able to stand, planting himself between the swordsman and that Kuma bastard, saying all that shit about his last goodbyes and getting a new cook, being overly dramatic about it… but then remembered that Sanji had never told another soul about what happened that horrible morning.

"No… not for praise." Zoro shook his head. "He doesn't care about that, or at least doesn't go around begging for it."

"Then what's with the hero complex?" Nami demanded.

"How the hell should I know! Maybe he just thinks we're worth more to the crew than he is."

Nami stared at him. Zoro glared back.

"…What?"

"Maybe that's it," she said slowly, putting a thoughtful hand on her chin. "Maybe Sanji just thinks that our dreams are more worth fighting for than his."

"What? Why?" asked Usopp. "We all have impossible dreams."

"Well…" Nami deliberated. "Whitebeard more or less confirmed that One Piece exists, so there's Luffy. Zoro has to get strong enough to beat Mihawk, and it'll be hard, but it's attainable. Of course I can make a map of the whole world, and you, you will definitely be a strong warrior by the end of this journey…" She ignored Usopp's subsequent happy grin and boasts about his thousands of followers. "But… All Blue…" She sighed, looking down sadly at her feet. "Not that I'd tell him this, but the way currents work… the differences between the four Blues… their locations relevant to each other… There's simply no way All Blue can exist."

"So you think the stupid cook sacrifices himself because he thinks our dreams are better?" Zoro said it with skepticism, but his mind went back to Thriller Bark, and he couldn't help but agree, just a little.

"Maybe…" Nami smiled sadly. "He doesn't see himself or his dream as important to the crew, so he does all he can to keep the rest of us alive-"

"No," said Usopp so suddenly that Nami fell silent and looked at him quizzically.

The sniper looked up from Kabuto and between both crewmates. "I don't think… I don't think that he doesn't have faith in All Blue."

"Then what's _your_ idea?" Nami snapped.

Usopp thought a moment. "That old chef, Zeff… He sacrificed his leg for Sanji to live, right?"

"Well, yeah, but I don't see-"

"And then Sanji stayed at the _Baratie_ because he wanted to help Zeff with his dream, and was willing to sacrifice both his own dream and his life to defend it."

Zoro and Nami looked at him expectantly, so he cleared his throat and continued.

"Not that they'd admit it, but I think… I think they really cared about each other. So they were willing to sacrifice anything for the other, down to their lives.

"And now, Sanji has us. And he won't admit this, either, but he cares about all of _us_, too. So maybe… maybe he just doesn't know any other way to show that he loves us. And not that lovey stuff he spews for you and Robin; _real_ love."

For awhile the three were silent, lost in their own thoughts. Nami stared at her magazine without comprehending it, Zoro closed his eyes without sleeping, and Usopp looked at his weapon but didn't tinker.

"That… makes a lot of sense, actually," said Nami finally.

"Yeah, I guess," Zoro agreed, albeit uncomfortably.

Usopp laughed. "Well, the great Captain Usopp-sama is very good at reading his crewmates! Hahahaha!"

"Ehnt. Wrong. Try again," said Nami, rolling her eyes. "You just got lucky." Usopp pouted.

"Still," he half-whined, "it's a good theory, right?"

Nami nodded. "But if it's true, I just wish he would find some _other_ way to show love…" She stared at the galley door, then suddenly sat up, eyes shining. "Wait; why don't we _show_ him a better way?"

Both boys looked at each other fearfully. "Uh…" began Usopp.

She rolled her eyes. "Not like _that_, you idiot. I mean in friendship. Nakama."

"Oh. I knew that."

"We could get him a dirty magazine," Zoro suggested, only to get Nami's own magazine chunked at his face.

"No, moron. I have a better idea…"

...

Washing dishes with one arm was annoyingly difficult.

Sanji frowned at the plate in his hand. He could hold it with the broken arm and dry with his good arm, but every movement of the broken bones was painful. Not to mention his leg was screaming in agony from being stood on all day.

"Hey, Sanji-kun. Do you need some help with the dishes?"

Sanji was so startled that he almost dropped the plate. He quickly turned at his waist to smile at the ship's resident red-haired goddess. "No, no, Nami-san, I would never dream of troubling you! I've got it all under control."

"Then could you trouble _them_ to do it?" she asked sweetly, jabbing her thumb over her shoulder. Behind her, Zoro and Usopp said, "Oi, oi, you're gonna help."

Sanji blinked in confusion at the unexpected offer, then shook his head. "No, that's okay. I've got it."

"Sanji-kun, really, sit down and relax. We can do the dishes tonight."

Sanji made to protest again, but Nami took his hand and led him to a barstool, and he was too surprised by the gesture to say anything, only wiggle a little with love. He sat down where Nami indicated, then watched as she joined their crewmates, calling drying at the same time as Zoro and leaving Usopp to do the washing.

"By the way, Sanji-kun," she said suddenly, looking over her shoulder and grinning. "Thank you."

"Yeah, thanks!" agreed Usopp cheerfully. When the swordsman stay quiet, he nudged him in the shin with his foot.

"Sure, thanks a lot, ero-cook," Zoro muttered, glaring sideways at Usopp as he did so.

Sanji was surprised and confused by this turn of events. "Thanks for what?" he asked.

They didn't answer, instead concentrating on the dishes.

He watched them awhile longer, wondering if he should ask about it again. But then decided against it, and just sat back and enjoyed the peace.


	34. Advantages

Title: Advantages

Rating: K

Characters: Strawhats

Pairings: None

Timeframe: Post-Thriller Bark, pre-Kuma attack

Notes: Another unanon from the fanforall. This one was for Misha's birthday; this was her prompt and I filled it. The prompt was that Nami takes Sanji's devotion too far and gets called out for it.

To clarify, I do _not_ think that Nami would go so far as to seriously suggest her nakama put their lives in danger for her money. She acts like she wants them to, but she loves them more than gold.

Also obligatory Sanji/Zoro broness.

Summary: It was just a little thing Nami wanted Sanji to do for her. She didn't mean to almost kill him.

…

The Strawhats had assembled on the deck of the _Sunny_ as per the navigator's request, and were all currently staring up at the towering mountain that rose from the ocean before them.

"So let me get this straight," said Nami slowly, turning to look at Robin. "The legend says that the treasure is _in_ the mountain?"

"As best as I can tell, yes." Robin looked down at the book she held. "The pirates were somehow able to hide their horde in a hollow cave at the heart of it."

"But how did they get to it?" asked Usopp skeptically.

"They had two secret entrances, according to this; one on land, one at sea."

"And we're trying to find the one at sea because…"

"Because the townspeople living on the other side of the mountain would get suspicious," Nami explained. "Every time I tried to get information from them, they'd clam up. Those greedy jerks are totally trying to guard the gold!"

"Oi, it does _belong_ to them," Zoro pointed out, and got a glare in return.

"So where do you think the sea entrance is?" asked Chopper, peering over the rail at the waves.

"Let's take the Shark Submerge out and find it!" Franky declared, jumping into a pose, and Luffy, Chopper, and Usopp cheered in agreement. They ran below deck with him, Nami yelling after them that they weren't all going if she was. The rest of the crew watched the proceedings, then wandered off to do other things until their nakama returned. A dejected Usopp and Chopper soon joined them.

About twenty minutes later, Nami, Luffy, and Franky came back, Nami looking thoroughly infuriated.

"What happened, Nami-san?" Sanji tittered immediately, concerned. He twirled around her, then glared at Franky and Luffy. "What did you idiots do?" he demanded.

"They didn't do anything," Nami muttered angrily.

"So you didn't find the entrance, then," Robin concluded.

"Oh, we _found_ it," Nami grouched. She walked to the railing and gestured toward the cliffs that comprised the island's shore. "It's right down there, a tunnel."

"The Shark Submerge wouldn't fit," Franky explained. "Really, only a skinny person could; it's a very narrow tunnel."

"Someone has to _swim_ it?" Usopp clarified, shocked.

"Wanna try?" asked Zoro, grinning at him.

"Of course I would gallantly risk my life for the treasure, but I'm afraid I'm coming down with a bad case of Can't-Swim-in-Scary-Tunnels-or-I'll-Die disease."

"Then who'll swim it?" Nami moaned, holding her face in her hands. "Franky won't fit, Usopp won't go, I could try, but I'm too dainty to swim that far…"

"Dainty?" Zoro scoffed, and she glared from between her fingers.

"I'll swim it for you, Nami-san!" Sanji suddenly cried, twirling over to her, smoky hearts trailing from his cigarette.

"Really, Sanji-kun?" she crooned, turning to him with hands clasped and eyes shining. "Thank you!"

The rest of the crew (sans Luffy) got a strange feeling that she had planned for that.

"You're very welcome, Nami-san!" Sanji made to hug her, but she quickly sidestepped his arms.

"Then what are you waiting for?" she snapped, suddenly businesslike. "Get to it!"

"Right away!" He went the railing, already shedding his jacket.

"Oi, Curly-cook, you sure about this?" asked Franky, raising an eyebrow. "It looked pretty long and narrow; it'll be a long swim."

"Yeah, but I can hold my breath for a long time," he answered confidently. "This'll be no problem." He stepped out of his shoes.

"Take this baby Den Den Mushi," Robin suggested, handing him the tiny snail. It was curled up in its shell, as though already anticipating its imminent dive into the water. Sanji nodded and stuck it in his pocket. Then he got up on the railing and posed to dive into the water.

"Alright!" Luffy cheered. "Go Sanji!"

"Go Sanji!" Usopp and Chopper echoed.

Sanji waved his hand at them and then disappeared over the edge of the ship. After a half second there was a splash, and then they saw a blonde head come up out of the surf and bob up and down.

"The tunnel's over there," Franky called out to him, pointing, and Sanji nodded and dove again. He reappeared one last time, right by the cliffs, called, "I see it!" back at the ship, and then, with a monstrous breath, he was gone under the water.

…

Sanji's eyes stung just a bit from the salt water, but he was used to it, so that wasn't much of a problem. What _was_ a problem was the total pitch black of the tunnel, and the dirt that swirled into his face with every stroke. Not to mention it was incredibly tight, and the water around him did nothing to help with the claustrophobia he was starting to feel. _And_ he was running out of air.

He went a few more feet, and then the last of his breath escaped in bubbles that he felt tickle his nose rather than saw drift past his head. His lungs were already burning, and he had to fight to keep his nose and mouth from drawing in water.

Wondering if the tunnel ended soon, he pulled himself a little bit further forward, but it was still just as dark and murky as ever.

There was no way he was going to reach the end.

Frantically, he began to claw at the sides of the tunnel, propelling himself backward. The walls seemed to close in even closer than before, and his lungs begged incessantly for air, and he clenched his jaw so tight that it was aching in seconds. More dirt drifted past him, and it occurred to him that he would drown and be buried alive at the same time. The claustrophobia and need for air drove his mind into a blind panic, and he began to push faster.

He was going to die in this hole.

And then, by some miracle, it started getting lighter. The sides pulled back just a bit, enough that he could swim rather than claw. And then suddenly he flew out of the tunnel, flipping in the open water as he continued paddling backward. It was disorienting, and for a panicked second he couldn't find the surface. He held still and started to rise, just enough to know where to swim.

And then he shot to the surface, head breaking and mouth wide open to take in a giant breath. The rush of air into his throat was the greatest thing he thought he had ever felt, and he sucked it in without pausing to exhale, which caused him to blackout for a second and slip terrifyingly under the waves again. He broke the surface again and leaned to float on his back, forcing himself to pant now, wheezing a little bit as his body greedily took in much needed oxygen.

"Oi! Sanji! Did you find it?"

Sanji groaned a little and rolled his head just enough that he could see the _Sunny_, where Luffy was waving at him. He didn't want to waste his mouth with talking, so he held up a shaky hand, gave them a thumbs down, and let it splash back in the water again.

He saw Nami throw up her hands and then say something angrily to Zoro, poking his chest. Probably telling the marimo that it was his turn. Sanji rolled slowly onto his stomach and started to doggedly paddle his way back to the ship, feeling like a failure. His beautiful Nami-san had entrusted this task to him, and he hadn't accomplished it.

A hand appeared and waved in front of his face as he drew near, and with a grateful yet rueful smile he took it and allowed himself to be pulled up on deck, where he flipped over the railing and then slumped down against it. He felt completely drained of energy.

"So, was the tunnel too long to swim?" asked Usopp after he had been given a minute to catch his breath.

He nodded, then shook water out of his hair. "_Way_ too long; you'd have to be a mermaid or a fishman to make it all the way."

Robin was flipping through the book again. "It doesn't say, but I believe that may have been the case," she agreed.

"Aw well," said Luffy with a shrug. "Let's go do something more fun now!"

Sanji rolled his eyes at his incorrigible captain, then looked over at Nami apologetically. "I'm so sorry that I couldn't get the treasure, Nami-san."

Nami's arms were folded, and she looked very cross. Sanji grimaced, the feeling of failure returning. "How far down the tunnel do you think you got?" she demanded.

Sanji shook his head. "It was too dark; I have no idea how long it was."

"Well, why didn't you keep going?"

Sanji's eyes widened a bit, and that nagging feeling that he had failed bit at him again.

"I… I was out of air," he defended weakly, dropping his head.

"Of course you were, Cook-san," said Robin gently, and he looked at her gratefully.

"You had enough air to come back," Nami pointed out. "What if you were halfway down the tunnel? You could've made it to the cave and had all the air you'd need!"

"Oi, Nami, calm down," said Usopp, exchanging a confused glance with Chopper. Sure, they all knew their navigator liked treasure, but wasn't this getting a bit obsessive? "For all he knew, the tunnel could have gone on for miles; he did the best he could."

"If he'd done the best he could, he would have found the treasure," Nami snapped.

"Not super, girly," said Franky, massive arms folded. "Curly-cook tried, but-"

"No, she's right," Sanji interrupted, getting shakily to his feet. "I… I didn't try my hardest."

"Don't be stupid, cook," Zoro said vehemently. "If you can't swim it, you can't swim it."

"Who says I can't?" Sanji shot back, whirling on the swordsman. "I just didn't get a good enough breath this time, that's all!"

Nami clasped her hands. "Does that mean you're trying again, Sanji-kun?"

He looked back at her, determination mingling with the lovesickness. "Of course, Nami-swan! I'll get this treasure for you!"

There was a shout of disagreement from the rest of the crew, but Sanji looked set on trying again. He went and got a long rope, then returned with the end of it tied around his waist.

"You guys hold this," he instructed. "Two tugs means I found the treasure; three means I absolutely _have_ to be pulled back." He gritted his teeth. "Don't expect three tugs."

"Sanji," said Luffy suddenly, and the cook turned to look at him. "Only do this if you want to."

It was said cheerfully enough, but they noticed a strange edge to their captain's voice.

"Sanji-kun!" Nami crowed from the railing. "Thank you so much for trying again!"

Sanji grinned at her. "I'd rather die than not find this treasure for you, Nami-san!" he cried, then looked back at Luffy and shrugged.

"I'll be fine. Three tugs, got it?"

…

The tunnel was even worse the second time.

It seemed even longer, and tighter, and darker. The claustrophobia was faster in coming and more persistent, but Sanji forced himself forward. He was doing this for Nami. He _would not_ fail her again.

He got past a part in the tunnel where the edges felt like they had been clawed extra hard and realized he had made it past where he turned back before. He would have grinned in triumph, but he was almost out of air as it was.

But he was doing this for Nami-san.

A few more feet. The last of his air leaked through his nose.

Doing this for Nami-san.

His lungs started burning and his windpipe pulled at air that wasn't there.

For Nami-san.

He'd made it this far; he wouldn't need to tug the rope. He could make it.

For Nami-san.

Just… a little… more…

For Nami-san.

The tunnel wasn't getting any lighter. Then again, his vision seemed to be growing even darker.

For Nami-san.

For Nami-san.

For Na…mi…

Then his mouth popped open and drew in seawater, and Sanji drifted to the floor of the tunnel.

…

Zoro swore that if Usopp said, "You think he's alright?" one more time, he would slice him into sushi. He was already doing enough _not_ worrying about the cook, and he didn't need Usopp's stupid question making him anymore _not_ on edge.

Brook's "Ballad for the Brave Hero" was turning into "Binks' Sake," so by Zoro's estimate it had been about two and a half minutes since Sanji went under. He knew the cook could hold his breath a long time, probably longer than he himself could (not that he would ever admit it aloud, of course), but eventually, he was going to have to come up for air, and in that tunnel there was nowhere to come up at.

His eyes had started making a regular circuit around the deck. First, to the place where Sanji disappeared, should he come back suddenly that way; second, Luffy's face, watching that same spot almost unblinking; third, the rope, which moved steadily forward with Sanji's progress but didn't get tugged; and finally to the witch's face, where she was already greedily counting her chickens.

"Do you think he's alright?"

Zoro had to clench his fists and compose himself before answering. "The rope's still moving, isn't it?"

"Yeah, but he's been under a long time…"

"Sanji's a good swimmer, though. Right, Zoro?" asked Chopper innocently.

Zoro snorted and adopted a _not at all forced_ condescending tone. "Tch, he's alright."

The two turned to look out at the sea, in the same silent vigil as their captain, and Zoro's eyes went back to their rounds.

Water, no blond.

Luffy, still watching.

The rope… no movement.

None at all.

"_I'd rather die than not find this treasure for you, Nami-san!"_

Zoro blinked at it a second, then said, "Oh, shit."

Before anyone else knew what was happening, he was over the railing.

…

_Damn, damn, damn, stupid ero-cook!_

Zoro swam with mad arms to where the rope dipped into the sea, then pulled himself down along with it. He kept hoping to feel a tug back, the cook fighting him off and going forward, but it never came; the rope pulled easily, and he could feel a weight at the end being towed along.

Zoro's mouth set in a grim line and he began pulling faster, glad that Sanji had at least thought of the rope before being so stupid; if he'd had to swim after his dumb perverted ass, he probably never would have gotten them both out alive.

This way, he at least had a _chance_.

He shook that thought off and pulled faster. The cook was alive; there was no way he'd go out so easily.

The rope started moving faster, and he realized that the others on deck had realized what was going on and were helping. _About time_, he thought irritably, and gripped that irritation to stave off the panic. _Bastards, making me do all the work myself._

Still, it felt like ages passed, eons even, and no sight of the blond. Really, it was only about a minute and a half before Zoro, furious with himself, had to return to the surface, grab more air, and go back down. After all, it wouldn't do for him to drown trying to save the skirt-chasing moron.

He'd only been pulling for about twenty seconds more when the rope stopped moving.

Sanji was stuck.

Mentally cursing up a storm, Zoro shot unhesitatingly into the tunnel, using the rope to pull himself. It would budge every now and then, but wouldn't break free.

The panic setting in fully, Zoro scrambled faster. The cave was too constricting, his shoulders rubbing against the walls, and he started to feel naturally claustrophobic, his body begging to leave. But he _couldn't_ leave Sanji in this tunnel, couldn't let another rival die, not like this, and in his mind's eye he could see Kuina, but in a tunnel and not on the stairs, and not limp and broken but face blue and swollen…

To his relief, Sanji was barely ten feet beyond the entrance. The swordsman's hand gripped Sanji's ankle and he shook him loose of the mud he was stuck in, then drug the unconscious man out of the tunnel, mentally telling him off for all the not worry and hoping, hoping, hoping he was still alive.

They popped out of the opening and Zoro gripped Sanji against his chest, then shot for the surface. The second his lips met air he began sucking in much needed oxygen, but to his alarm Sanji didn't follow suit, his head lolling against Zoro's shoulder and seawater pouring in little rivulets down his chin. "Come on, damn cook; breathe!"

When Sanji didn't obey, Zoro began frantically swimming back for the ship, the others pulling the rope to help him along. He scrambled up the rope of hands Robin extended for him, the cook slung over his shoulder, and then dumped him on the deck, yelling, "Chopper!"

The reindeer was already there, for once not screaming for a doctor. He knelt seriously by Sanji, checked his vitals, then started performing CPR without a word.

The rest of his nakama stood and watched the proceedings with different shades of horror on their face. Robin's mouth was set in a grim line, Franky was bawling next to her, Brook for once looked completely serious, Usopp was sniffling and trembling, and Luffy… Luffy couldn't take his eyes off Sanji's face, frighteningly still and silent as he waited for his nakama to be out of danger.

And finally, Zoro's eyes found Nami, standing apart from the rest, face pale and hand pressed to her mouth in shock and fear. Her eyes flicked from Sanji to Zoro, and she staggered back a step as though she had been slapped.

_Well, serves her right; she went_ way _too far this time._

"I've got a pulse!" Chopper suddenly cried, and Zoro snapped his attention back to the pale, wet form on the deck. The doctor breathed into Sanji's open mouth again, and his chest rose and fell and then, suddenly, his back arched with a strained cough. Chopper immediately flipped him onto his side, and the still-unconscious man vomited seawater across the lawn, shuddering violently. Chopper sighed and sat back, tears wetting his fur. "He's… he's gonna be okay," he announced, and the crew released breath none of them realized they'd been holding.

While the reindeer continued to administer to his patient, Zoro turned hard eyes on Nami. "What the _hell_ were you thinking?" he demanded, furious.

Her eyes snapped up from Sanji, and she went from horrified to defensive anger. "What, I didn't _make_ him swim until he-"

"BUT YOU DAMN WELL KNEW HE WOULD!" he roared, then turned away and stomped across the deck, unable to look at the scene anymore. The others watched him go numbly, but then their shock wore off and they all looked at Nami.

The navigator took another step back. "I… I didn't mean for…"

"Navigator-san," said Robin disapprovingly. "You knew he couldn't possibly swim the tunnel. Why did you goad him into it?"

"Yeah. Treasure isn't worth that!" agreed Usopp, nodding.

"I didn't want him to… I mean, he…" she floundered desperately.

"Forgive me, Nami-san, but taking advantage of Sanji-san's gentleman ways… that was quite cruel."

Nami shook her head, suddenly getting angry in her own defense. "I didn't _force_ him into it, okay!"

"But you pushed him into it," Franky pointed out, looking over the top of his sunglasses in reprimand. "Nico Robin's right, you knew he would do it if you pushed him."

"Well, if he had just tugged the damn rope-"

"Nami."

Luffy's deadly calm voice silenced the deck, and Nami trembled instinctively.

The boy looked slowly away from Sanji, then his eyes came to meet hers.

"I'm disappointed in you."

And in that moment, Nami felt like the world had ended.

…

"Navigator-san."

Nami looked up slowly at Robin, then nodded at her and put her head back in her hands. She was curled up in her mikan grove, where she had been hiding since Luffy's statement, avoiding the rest of the crew. She couldn't look at any of them, not able to face the disappointment in their faces, _especially_ Luffy's, and she was too ashamed to come out, anyway. Thinking back on it, she could see how awful she'd been, how she'd let her greed for money eclipse concern for her nakama.

She'd become some kind of monster.

Robin sat down next to her, silent for a long time as she watched the breeze stir the leaves of the trees. Nami didn't speak, either, waiting for the stern words she was expecting from the older woman.

Finally, Robin broke the silence. "Cook-san is awake."

It wasn't what Nami was expecting, and she jerked around to stare at the archaeologist. "Really? That's great." She smiled in relief, just a little, and looked back out at the trees. "Is he okay?"

Robin laughed. "I should say so. He's been yelling curses at Doctor-san for the last half hour because he won't let him smoke."

Nami's small smile returned. "Good; he'll be fine, then." Her brow clouded. "But… has he said anything… about me?" The last part was in a whisper.

"Yes," answered Robin, and she stiffened. "You know how he is; he's worried that he failed you."

Nami almost burst into tears. "_Worried_? That he _failed_? He almost _died_!"

"I know," and there was finally that stern tone Nami was waiting for.

She nodded miserably. "I need to tell him… tell him that I'm proud of him," she realized. "He did his best; better than his best." And she knew it was completely true. "And I need to apologize," she added.

"Cook-san won't want your-"

"Not to Sanji-kun," she said, shaking her head. "To Luffy."

"Hmm?" Robin raised an eyebrow.

"I hurt one of our nakama," she explained. "That… that was unforgivable. But still… I have to tell him that I'm sorry," she started choking up, "and just pray he'll forgive me."

Robin watched as she started crying, but didn't offer any comfort. It was, after all, her own fault, and this was a lesson she needed to learn. "Then perhaps you better go do that."

Nami sniffed and nodded. Rubbing the tears off her face, she stood up with determination. "Okay. Here I go."

…

"Luffy!"

Luffy turned around on his special seat to see Nami standing behind the figurehead. Her eyes were red and puffy from tears, but he was pleased to see that it was from remorse. He wanted to smile at her and tell her it was okay, but, as with Usopp so long ago, he had to stay firm.

"Luffy… no, _Captain_," she began slowly, staring, contemplating how to go about this. Luffy waited patiently.

Then, she got down on her hands, head bowed against the planks. "I'm… I'm sorry!" she cried out, tears streaming down her face. "I… I know it doesn't make up for what I did, but… but I'm truly sorry! For what I did to Sanji-kun… for betraying one of our nakama… for betraying your trust!"

She took a deep breath; the next part was going to be the most difficult thing she had ever said in her life.

"And… and if you don't want me in the crew anymore, I understand. And… I'll leave. No fuss."

And then she waited, trembling, for judgment.

After an age-long pause, she heard sandaled feet flop to the deck, and then she knew he was standing over her. His hand rested on her shoulder, and her tear-streaked face jerked up to stare at him.

"Nami," he began slowly, "what you did was bad. And I am still disappointed in you. But you're sorry for it now, right?"

She nodded fiercely. "I've never, never been more sorry in my life."

"I believe you," he said with a nod, and, to her amazement, smiled at her.

Nami's tears began afresh; that smile was forgiveness, and she didn't deserve it, but here it was, free for the taking.

"I'm sorry," she repeated weakly, and Luffy helped her to her feet and nodded.

"I know. But Nami," and here he crossed his arms and looked at her, and she could sense a scolding coming, "don't do it again, okay?"

She nodded earnestly. "I won't. Not if it'll hurt the idiot," she added, knowing full well that she would still use him for drinks, carrying the shopping, tending her mikans, and any other non-lethal tasks she could come up with.

Luffy looked satisfied enough with that, sensing that things would hopefully go back to normal. "Zoro's pretty mad," he warned, nodding in the direction of the crow's nest. "You need to apologize to him, too."

Nami wanted to protest against asking the swordsman forgiveness for _anything_, but she knew Luffy was right. "Okay, I will. But first… first I need to apologize to Sanji."

Luffy grinned. "Yup! And tell him to get better faster while you're there; I'm hungry."

Nami punched him in the head, snapping, "That's hardly the thing to be worried about!" and feeling infinitely better; things were the way they were supposed to be, or were going to be, anyway.

She walked away from Luffy then, headed for the infirmary. She knew just how to make this whole thing up to Sanji, after all.

And she wouldn't even charge him for it!


End file.
